Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Could Someone Please Tell Me What A "Real American" Is?!?

[Editor's Note: This is just a rant, not a fully fleshed out post of cohesive ideas with a logical conclusion and challenging assertion. Sorry, sometimes you just have to riff. This would be such a time.]

Could someone please tell me what a "Real American" is? I used to think I was one, but apparently I'm not.

Since the election of our first "African-American" President became even a remote possibility, we've seen a bunch of rabble rousing about exactly who's a "Real American" and who's, well... something other than a "Real American".

This started with the Clinton campaign, which tried to paint Obama as "exotic" by pointing out the fact that he briefly lived overseas (against his will) as a child, had parents of different races, and grew up in the 50th state. So, apparently anyone who spent formative years (against his/her will) out of the country (assuming you aren't a military brat, which is fine because, you know, the military is beyond reproach) isn't a "Real American". Nor is anyone biracial a "Real American". And if you just so happened to grow up in Hawaii, forget it, you aren't a "Real American" either.

"Real American"s also don't go to uppity private high schools or colleges, so if you went to an Ivy, forget it. I guess Occidental would also disqualify you from "Real American"-ship.

The Reverend Wright controversy basically implied you couldn't be a "Real American" if you just so happened to attend a church with or be related to some older black folks who occasionally said some crazy sh*t you didn't even agree with. You also weren't a "Real American" if you just so happened to work with someone like Bill Ayers who said some crazy sh*t that you also didn't agree with. "Real American"s only associate with other "Real American"s.

When the McCain/Palin campaign got in full gear, the Clinton "Real American" qualifications were already sorta used up, so they just skipped the bullsh*t and started implying that you weren't a "Real American" if you grew up in an urban area, or on either coast. "Real American"s don't live in New York City, Boston, Philly, San Fran, Chicago, LA, or DC. "Real American"s only live in small towns.

"Real American"s also don't work white collar jobs because professional jobs are bad, bad, bad. Nope, "Real American"s can only work blue collar jobs, because being a "Real American" requires you to get dirt under your fingernails.

"Real American"s also can't work on Wall Street, for a major corporation, at any financial institution, at a hospital, at any place of higher learning, or God forbid (shudder) on Capitol Hill. This violates all rules of "Real American"ism. "Real American"s only work at small businesses, and of course, in the military.

Once Obama won the whole election, the scope of "Real American"ism shifted to the micro level, singling out individual groups.

"Real American"s aren't members of a race, they're all members of the human race who don't see color, only character. So keep your Hispanic-, Asian-, African- prefixes. We're just "Americans". "Real American"s that is.

"Real American"s don't drive Hondas. Chevy, baby! Chevy!

"Real American"s aren't immigrants, unless of course they came properly through Ellis Island.

"Real American"s don't belong to unions.

"Real American"s don't listen to sissy music like jazz. "Real American"s love country music and country music only, because only "Real American"s make country music.

"Real American"s aren't Muslims. This is a Christian-only country. The Founding Fathers said so, even if the Founding Fathers actually said the complete, exact, polar opposite.

"Real American"s can't be liberals, since liberalism is completely in opposition to "Real American" values.

"Real American"s can't even really be Republicans, they should technically be "Conservatives", whatever the heck the difference is.

"Real American"s pull their own weight, and never require anything (unemployment benefits, healthcare, temporary food stamps) of the government, even when in times of extreme need. Because "Real American"s can just create a job opening out of thin air even when all of the jobs in their town have disappeared. This is just what "Real American"s do.

"Real American"s don't admit past mistakes or compromise. It's our way or the highway.

"Real American"s aren't gay.

"Real American"s don't give a sh*t about faux sissy science like "global warming". Some hippie liberal treehugger made up that crap.

"Real American"s don't do quasi-Communist jobs like "community organizer".

"Real American"s must serve in the military, or have a visible physical ailment that prevented serving.

"Real American"s don't travel outside of "Real America", unless it's for military duty. And they definitely don't go to Europe or Africa.

"Real American"s don't speak any language other than English.

"Real American"s must root for the Dallas Cowboys. Eff' A Tom Brady, how bout dem' Boys!!!


Sorry folks. As a 37 year old black man, all of these "Real American" requirements are just too much for me to keep up with.

Question: Given the above criteria, are you a "Real American"? Got any "Real American" requirements that I might have missed to add to this list?

* I hope nobody gets the impression that I'm anti-military. I'm not, by any means. I simply dislike how military service is continually heralded by "Real Americans" as the one and only way to show patriotism and love for ones country.

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