Wednesday, January 21, 2015

President Obama's Desperation Heave At The Buzzer.

Did anyone watch last night's State Of the Union address? Does anyone even still care anymore? Am I the only one who's found The Obama Presidency to be as devastatingly disappointing and underwhelming as "Yeezus"? Maybe it's just me.

I dunno, watching the President rattle off a sh*tload of new initiatives that have about as much a chance of becoming law as me getting drafted by the Vancouver Grizzlies, I couldn't help but think about how much promise this man once held. Seeing him reduced to guaranteed applause talking points for the 6th time, it was disarmingly evident how hard it is for a black man to get things done in Washington, DC, provided that black man's name isn't John Wall, because John Wall gets things done and John Wall is awesome!



But back to that other black guy running DC, yeah the President looks like a man defeated. It's like he's trying to convince America that he's still got it, when he knows he can't deliver 99% of the stuff he's promising. He's like a man making one last desperate plea to stop his wife from signing divorce papers.[1]
I'll go to counseling! (Free community college!)

Yes, by all means, let your mother move in with us! (Let's pass comprehensive immigration reform!)

I'll stay off Instagram and quit messin' with thots! (We'll reform the criminal justice system!)
I think in some odd way, watching the partisan sniping and gridlock of the past 8 years is probably going to sour an entire generation of millenials on the electoral process. Those poor young people thought electing Obama would fix world hunger, guarantee them 6 figure jobs post-graduation, and erase racism simply via the ballot box. Little did they (or hell, even I) realize the level of douchbaggery, racial bullshit, and outright assholery that the GOP had in store. I'm betting large swaths of those early twentysomethings are so disillusioned they'll just sit out the next few election cycles.

Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me one bit if that was the GOP's goal all along. #GrandHu$tle

Question: What's The Lame Duck Obama Administration gonna look like over the next 24 months? Any chance anything he said last night gets passed?

[1] Not that I'd know. I got 13 years in the game.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Why Can't Black Barbers Just Cut Your Hair The Way You Ask Them To?

[Editor's Note: Yes, this is an old post. I'm rerunning it because this just happened to me (again) this morning and I'm super pissed. My hairline is crooked and it got pushed back to 1994. Just read it already, while I try and figure out how to "fix" this.]

Something finally occurred to me the other day as I got out of the barber's chair. I hate strongly dislike barbers.

I have only had roughly 4-5 people who cut my hair on a consistent basis in my short lifetime, and I eventually had a falling out with each and every one of them for the exact same reason: because they cut your hair the way they want it to look, not the way you ask for it.

I have what is probably a moderately difficult head of hair to cut. I have what some older Black folks might refer to as "good" hair, which has always been the dumbest of statements to me. Isn't all hair good hair? Ask a balding dude if he'd rather have a "good" George Jefferson, or an "average" head of full hair. So enough of that nonsense.

Anyways, since I do have "good hair", this also means it's hard for most novices to cut the right way because it grows in very odd directions, as well as in odd lengths (ie: shorter at the top, longer near the temples). Also, over the past couple of years, I've noticed some light thinning around my hairline, which only adds to the complexity.

I usually stick with a barber who seems to figure out how to cut my hair correctly initially, but over time they all seem to revert to doing it "their way", regardless of what I ask for. So when I go in looking like a Wolfman and ask for "a little off the top and please don't push back my hairline!", then walk out looking like Kirk Franklin, you know something is wrong. These dudes are clearly just cutting it the way they want for the instant gratification and the praise of the other barbers when I step out the chair. They don't have to live with a pushed back hairline and a too-close for cold weather cut for the next couple of weeks. I do. And that kinda sucks.

[Editor's Note: None of these haircuts look "bad", "gapped up" or even remotely "jacked up" by any stretch of the imagination. But none of them happen to be what I ask for, so it doesn't really matter.]

Since I left my most recent barber a year or so ago[1] I've tried probably a half-dozen other barbers in search of someone who would just do what I asked them to. There was a girl who was cutting my hair for awhile that did a good job, but didn't do a great shape up, although she didn't push my sh*t back as I requested. There was a dude who cut pretty well, but then stopped showing up at the shop and answering text messages. Apparently he's taking a state-paid vacation in Jessup right now. And then, there's my current shop (and I use the word "current" loosely), owned by the Koreans. They, like everyone else, don't cut my hair the way I ask for, but the end result is usually not too bad looking, there's seldom a long wait (wonder why?), and the whole thing only costs $13, which in this economy is a steal.

But again, why can't people just cut hair the way they're asked to?[2]

To end on a positive note, I now present to you the greatest barbershop scene evar. Cop the headphones first.



Question: Fellas, do you have a similar experience with barbers who cut your hair the way they want it to look, not how you ask? Ladies, I guess I could pose the same question to you, although it's a given that women's hair is a different animal in and of itself.

[1] Yeah, that dude with the flying, rapping Superman website and the $22 cuts. I'll give him credit though, that soundtrack is still pretty tight. Listen to it. I guess that's why the cuts are so expensive. Somebody's gotta pay for all that flash animation and studio time.

[2] And before you ask, no, I'm not about to start cutting my own hair. I don't have that sorta talent.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Mike Huckabee Thinks The Obamas Are Awful Parents, Beyonce Is A Whore, And Jay-Z's A Crack Dealing Pimp.

You remember Mike Huckabee right? The bible thumping ex-Arkansas Governor who very briefly lead the GOP Presidential field for awhile, before ceding the lead to John McCain, who gave it to Obama. Yeah, that Mike Huckabee.

If you still don't remember him, or have him mixed up with Santorum (ick) I don't blame you. The Huckster (see what I did there) used the momentum from those 15 minutes to secure himself a weekend show on Fox News. I watched it once, because I was bored, and it looked like a public access television show with slightly better lighting. Huck's used his twice weekly pulpit to talk all sorts of random sh*t about the Obamas, all of which has raised his profile with Conservatives for a likely run at President in 2016. Either that, or because he has a book to sell. And because he's got a book to sell, he's gotta resort to some ho sh*t to move units.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee thinks Barack and Michelle Obama have a troubling flaw in their parenting style: They allow their daughters listen to Beyoncé.

In a recent interview with People to promote his book God, Guns, Grits and Gravy, the former Baptist minister and possible 2016 presidential hopeful calls the Obamas "excellent and exemplary parents in many ways" but says he’s baffled that 16-year-old Malia and 13-year-old Sasha are allowed to absorb content like the singer’s anthemic single "Drunk in Love."

"I don't understand how, on one hand, they can be such doting parents and so careful about the intake of everything – how much broccoli they eat and where they go to school and making sure they're kind of sheltered and shielded from so many things – and yet they don't see anything that might not be suitable for either a preteen or a teen in some of the lyrical content and choreography of Beyoncé, who has sort of a regular key to the door [of the White House]," he said.

In God, Guns, Grits and Gravy, Huckabee labels Beyoncé's lyrics as "obnoxious and toxic mental poison," and he lashes out at her husband, Jay Z – calling the rapper a "pimp" who "exploits his wife."

Michelle Obama's office reportedly declined to comment on Huckabee's statements.

The Obamas have been close with Beyoncé throughout Barack's presidency. The commander-in-chief thanked the singer and Jay Z for their friendship during a 2012 New York fundraiser, adding that "Beyoncé could not be a better role model for my girls."
Ladies and gentlemen, this is today's GOP. And just maybe, tomorrow's POTUS.



Oddly, while Huck has some odd fetish fascination with Beyonce, he has no issue whatsoever inviting such wholesome artists as Ted Nugent on his show to "rock out". Because nothing says wholesome like a guy who's been married more times than Kim Kardashian and publicly tells a government official so suck on his shotgun.

Stay classy, Mike Huckabee. Better yet, stay your fat ass on basic cable.

Question: Does this asshole have some nerve or what?

2 Chainz Is Now A Cable News Pundit.

CNN/HLN should just get it over with and air Ron Popeil informercials 24 hours a day. I mean, seriously, what production assistant thought this was a good idea? I'm happy to see 2 Chainz trying to reinvent himself again since his 15 minutes have long since expired, but everyone involved in this spectacle takes a serious "L".



This was supposed to be a debate about decriminalization of marijuana. I don't know exactly what to call what it turned into. Actually, on second thought I do: The Nancy Grace Show.

Question: Who won this debate?

Monday, January 12, 2015

AB.com Monday Open Mic

So yeah, the blog's back up and rolling. Sure, I missed a few big stories last week, but whatever, we're getting there.

Here's you open mic for the day. Use it to talk sh*t about your favorite NBA team that destroyed my favorite NBA team yesterday, Charlie Hebdo, Bill Cosby, the NFL playoffs (sorry Cowboys fans), The Golden Globes, whatever. I'm also taking requests, so drop links or email any story you want my take on.

Question: What's on your mind today?!?