Tuesday, May 19, 2009

AB.com Guest Post - The Greatest Movie Hoopers Ever.

[Editor's Note: My main man Ed The SportsFan serves up sports talk daily on his blog. Today, he goes in on the greatest movie ballers of all time.]

This is what happens when a blackberry messenger conversation goes too far. I digress...

After watching Ray Allen morph into his alter-ego, Jesus Shuttlesworth, again the other night, Kenny (fellow ETSF contributor) started fantasizing about some of his dream matchups.

Who would win in a game between Jesus Shuttleworth and Kyle Watson?

WOWZERS...then Ed's brain exploded due to the possibilities of such a legendary matchup. Since this mythical game could never take place, the least we could do is come up with an all-time greatest movie hoopers team. Something we are known for doing here at ETSF. Anyway, this is open for debate and I expect you to disagree with me, lol. HERE WE GO!

Point Guard: Kyle Watson, Above The Rim - Quite arguably the most revered PG in movie hoops history, dude witnessed it all. He was bought out by one of the biggest legends in the drug game in Birdie (Tupac), he was recruited by one of the greatest basketball scouts ever (Pee Wee Kirkland) and teams ever (Georgetown).

Kyle's game was already super nice, but then he got some added tips from none other than city legend Shep (Leon). At the end of the day, he overcame the advances of the pussy opposite sex, seeing Flip (Bernie Mac) get chopped up put away by Avon Barksdale Motaw plus finally seeing Bugaloo (Marlon Wayans) aka Kenny Tyler (6th Man) get his pride hurt made him an all around killa. Plus hitting the game winner over Seton Hall in the Big East championship his freshman year didn't hurt.

Shooting Guard: Jesus Shuttlesworth, He Got Game - Was there any doubt? Jesus was the #1 prep player from Abraham Lincoln High School (New York), and under constant pressure (two salacious white women waiting in his room) to decide which college basketball scholarship offer he will accept.

Jake Shuttlesworth (Denzel) tried to sway his son's decision to go to Bigg State, by way of that being the governor's alma mater. Jesus quite possibly balled on the livest high school team of all-time, with Coleman 'Booger' Sykes (Hill Harper) running the point, Sip (Travis Best) running the 2-guard, Jesus at the wing, Lonnie (John Wallace) at the 4, and Mance (Walter McCarty) at Center. Moreover, his girlfriend was THE ORIGINAL LaLa (Rosario Dawson) and even then she was a turncoat. At the end of the day, dude was named Jesus, not after the almighty, but Black Jesus aka Earl "The Pearl" Monroe. Legendary.

Small Forward: Jimmy Chitwood, Hoosiers - When we start to talk about the upset special, the underdog, and in more current times, "WE SHOCKED THE WORLD" and "NOBODY BELIEVED IN US" methodologies, they begin with the story of Hoosiers. From a team of only 7 players, one of which was the trainer because they had so few players, their unquestioned leader was Jimmy Chitwood.

Chitwood didn't play for about half the season because of their previous coach passing away, however, after the shaky past and beginning of the season by new coach Norman Dale (Gene Hackman) brought the town to a fever pitch, Jimmy rallied the troops and announced he'd play again. Chitwood probably is the only person in movie-sports history that could challenge Jesus (Shuttlesworth) for the greatest stroke ever. Demanding the ball for the game winning shot over powerhouse South Bend Central for the Indiana State Title sealed his legacy.

Power Forward: Saleh, The Air Up There - Quite possibly the most slept on movie-hoops player of all-time, Saleh was a man amongst men. Dude was about 6'9", with a 40+ inch vertical, yet he hooped with no shoes on whatsoever (hell he didn't hardly have any clothes on except for some warrior paint and some koala skin covering the twig and berries.

When Jimmy Dolan (Kevin Bacon) came to Africa to recruit him, they became the most dynamic duo on the continent. Dolan also taught him "The Jimmy Dolan Shake and Bake" move which if done in real life would get you immediately laughed at, however it worked for them, and ended up making Saleh a worldwide legend.

Center: Neon Boudreaux, Blue Chips - They found him in the backlands of Louisiana, they had to wade through swamps, alligators, and hootenannys to find this man, but when they found him it was definitely worth it. Neon Boudreaux (Shaquille O'Neal) was listed at 7'4", 335 pounds and was a beast in the lane. However, admittedly not an academic achiever or surprisingly had never played organized basketball makes you wonder how the hell did he even get into school. Regardless, he got recruited by fake UCLA Western University and coach Pete Bell (Nick Nolte) to formulate one of the greatest recruiting classes ever since the Fab 5 of Michigan.

Butch McRae (Penny Hardaway) and Ricky Roe (Matt Nover???) plus Neon were given more lavish gifts than Donald Trump's kids. This includes giving a Lexus to Neon Boudreaux (a la Adrian Peterson), a house to Butch's mother (a la Reggie Bush), and also a tractor to Ricky's father as well as "bags of cash," just to sign these players up. Besides his name is Neon Boudreaux, how great is that?

Bench: Monica Wright and Quincy McCall (Sanaa Lathan & Omar Epps - Love & Basketball, however, Monica must immediately tear her ACL and forced to watch the games from the box for fear she'll make every guy on the team want to make it rain on her she'll ruin the team's chemistry.), Kenny Tyler (Marlon Wayans - The 6th Man), Sidney Dean & Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson & Wesley Snipes - White Men Can't Jump), Butch McRae (Penny, Blue Chips), Jamal Wallace (Rob Brown, Finding Forrester), Spaceman (Terrence Howard, Sunset Park).

Coach: Ken Carter (Samuel L. Jackson, Coach Carter), only he has to coach in his Snakes On A Plane/A Time To Kill Voice. "YES they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in Hell!"

Referee: Micky Gordon (Billy Crystal, Forget Paris), just for diversity's sake.

Question: Is there anyone I'm forgetting? Of course there is. Who else belongs on this fabled squad? Let us know!!

More From Ed The SportsFan [ETSF]

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