Thursday, February 5, 2009

What Would You Do?: The Missing Wedding Band.

I don't go anywhere outside the house without my wedding ring on. I just don't. I'm not legalistic about many things, but wedding band wearing would be one such item.[1] The few times I've left the house without my virtual ball and chain, I've felt almost naked without it, as if I'm somewhere I really shouldn't be. Bad things happen to nice looking, confident, chatty guys when they don't wear wedding rings.

Or so I've heard.[2]

Anyways, I routinely remove my ring and leave it on my desk everyday before I break for lunch and hit the gym. The other day, for some odd reason, I forgot to do so. Among other reasons for not wearing it to the gym, it sometimes gets snagged in my weightlighting gloves, and slips off if I'm sweating too much. So before I left the locker room, I slipped it off and slid it in my pants pocket. Since it was nearly 1:30pm and I was working out late, I figured there would be no issues with theft, which seems to happen frequently at my Gold's.

I finish my workout, grab a shower, and dress. I reach in my pocket to retrieve my ring, and holy Jesus, the ring ain't there! I damn near tear up the locker, crawl on all fours around the floor, and empty the contents of my gym bag in the middle of the floor to no avail. My 8 year link to holy matrimony is gone, just like that.

I immediately eliminate the possibility of theft. The ring was tucked deep in the pants pocket, and the pants were at the back of the locker, under my bag. The locker didn't appear to have been disturbed. This left only one possibility: the ring had fallen out of my pocket when I was tucking my jeans away, and landed on the carpeted locker room floor without so much as a thud. Someone picked it up, and surely turned it in to the front desk.

Only... they didn't. The a$$hole at the front desk not only told me that there weren't any rings turned in, but that I "should keep that sorta stuff in a safe".

Well no sh*t, Sherlock! Is the sky also blue? How about the number 6, does it indeed come after the number 5? Do bears actually defacate in the woods? Inquiring minds want to know. Do tell, oh thee Sage Of Creatine & Protein Shakes! What other mysteries of the universe can you solve for me before 3pm?


I had to do my Negro-best not to cock back and slap the living sh*t out of this moron. The fact that he was 6-3, 250, and cock diesel prolly was a deterrent as well. It didn't matter anyway, he didn't have the ring either. It was lost.

I sulked back to my office and called my wife to tell her the bad news. She found it comically amusing, and given the ring's (comparatively) cheap price, wasn't too upset. But I wondered what sort of man would find another man's wedding band on the sweaty assed floor of a locker room and not turn it in to lost and found. If you're into that sorta stuff, I've got some dirty underwear you can borrow too.

All together now... "EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!"

Yeah, that's how I feel about it. That's just digusting. Why would you want another man's ring.

What does a man do with another dude's ring besides hawk it and get pennies back on the dollar? And what about the kinship with your fellow brother who will go ringless and have to explain why his finger is naked 20 times a day until he gets around to buying a replacement? Some people have no heart.

Question: What would you do, fellas? Would you turn in the ring so its rightful owner could retrieve it, or would you keep it? Ladies, since women's rings are generally more expensive (my wife's is, by leaps and bounds), are the rules somewhat different when you misplace yours? Have you ever lost your ring or some other piece or expensive jewelry? What happened?

[1] Like some other married men I know, I have two rings: a "baller" ring for special occasions, and a cheap everyday ring. I lost the cheap one. I'm wearing the "baller" ring at the moment. I do not wear it to the gym.

[2] "...for the lover in you... this ring, means I'll always be true"

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