In case you're just tuning in... AverageSis (AS) is my wife. AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers. AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three. And I am AverageBro (AB) of course.
AOB: This show is already getting old.
AB: Is it over yet?
[Teddy Pain takes the stage in some Ringling Brothers outfit to lipsync his latest vocoder travesty.]
AB: This is like the UniverSoul Circus gone wrong.
AS: Who is this guy?
AS: Who is that guy?
AB: Rick Ross.
AS: I am speechless. His boobs are bigger than mine. And they're really hairy.
AB: His next angioplasty is on the house.
AS: Can we change the channel please.
AOB: Biggie started this whole "fat guys, show your rolls" trend.
AMB: Fat Joe does it too.
AS: Save my eyes and ears please.
AB: No honey, we're live bloggin'.
AS: Who is this guy?
AOB: DJ Khaled.
AS: I'm goin' upstairs.
[Outkast's Big Boi comes onstage to perform his verse from "I'm So Hood". His mic isn't working. Nobody seems to care. Ludacris comes on to perform his verse, dressed in Gap khakis and a Polo like he just got off a shift at IBM. Very gangsta.]
AS: Ludacris is dressed like AverageBro tonight.
AOB: They killed it.
AMB: Hip Hop is back.
[Derek Luke and Gabrielle Union come on to present the Best Video Award.]
AS: Finally some class.
AB: Don't get too excited. It won't last.
[UGK and Outkast win for "Players Anthem".]
AOB: Didn't this come out last year?
AB: This is the R.I.P. Pimp C award.
AS: Who are these guys?
AB: Man I'm so glad I married you.
AB: Never mind.
AOB: Bun B looks 49 years old.
AMB: His partner died. That was cold, man.
AS: How did he die?
AB: Syrup overdose?!?!
AOB: Sleep apnea.
AB: My bad.
[The director of the video flubs and notes that Kanye conceded the award to honor UGK.]
AOB: That was classy.
AS: Maybe this is gonna get better.
AB: Don't hold your breath, dear.
[BET begins the "see, we ain't all about ass, we play gospel videos too" segment of the show. Marvin Sapp, whom DL Hughley introduces as ex-NFL player Warren Sapp, shows up in an oversized suit, lookin', well, sorta like ex-NFL player Warren Sapp.]
AB: That's one crazy suit. Is that leather?
AS: No, it's linen.
[A photo montage plays in the background, showing famous faces in black history.]
AOB: The Obama photo is coming up. Watch.
AMB: No way they'd do that with Bob Johnson still related to this channel.
[The inevitable Barack/Michelle photo appears.]
AOB: Told you.
AB: Bob Johnson is somewhere chokin' on his fillet mignon. Somebody bout' to get fired.
AS: This is the highlight so far. How will they ruin this?
[Gospel artists Mary Mary show up, accompanied by someone named Lisa Lisa, to present an award.]
AB: Who is that with Mary Mary?
AS: Lisa Lisa.
AOB: You know, like with Cult Jam, the dudes with the jheri curls?
AB: No way. That ain't the same one. What the heck happened to her?
[An offline debate about whether or not this is the same Lisa Lisa we all know ensures.]
AS: I guess we know why she's called Lisa Lisa, and not just Lisa.
AS: She was always one cookie away...
AOB: She had some big boobs.
AMB: Wow, what happened?
AS: This was 20 years ago.
AB: Ya'll are just so wrong.
[Editor's Note: We Owned The 80's: Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam, coming soon.]
AB: I got a bad feeling the show's about to take a turn for worse ya'll.
[Chris Brown enters the stage.]
AS: Bo-Ring. But you know he's gonna break out with some surprise.
AOB: He looks like he's struggling.
[Chris Brown quits pretend lipsyncing and just starts dry humpin' the floor. Ciara pops up outta nowhere and joins him in a multi-orgasmic display of rapid-fire pelvic thrusts.]
AOB: That was hot!
[Just as we're gettin' into it, after 30 seconds, the performance abruptly ends.]
AB: What!?! What happened?
AS: Usher's still winnin'.
AOB: Yep. Chris Brown had it, then he just let it go.
AB: Bring back Bobby Brown!!!!
[Kanye West wins some random award for "The Good Life". T-Pain slowly pimp walks onstage.]
AB: Man, Lil' Wayne is really losin' tonight.
AOB: He didn't have an album out until last week.
AB: He was on every 3rd song the past decade though.
AOB: Doesn't matter.
[The camera zooms in for a mega closeup on T-Pain's gold grille.]
[Toccara appears onscreen to (poorly) read a promo. Al Green is clearly seen behind her, ogglin' that booty like nobody's business.]
AS: Dirty old man'.