Tuesday, June 24, 2008

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: PreShow Edition

[We still watch, so you don't have to.]

Editor's Note: This is my first exercise in semi-live blogging. Forgive the typos, we're just live like that. Things occurring onscreen appear [inside brackets like these]. Our comments are always proceeded by our names. Enjoy Responsibly.

Last Fall, I delivered a landmark post here at AB.com, the cryptically titled The 3rd Annual Festival of Negro Nonsense Recap. For those unaware of the freshness, you might wanna take a moment to peep that BET Awards recap to get some idea for how we roll. Otherwise, spare me the "why you always gotta pop sh*t about black folks" comments. If you wanna defend "Bust It Baby", knock yourself out.

And just in case you're clueless about this whole "Bust It Baby" thing, get familiar.

This year, I decided to switch things up a bit for my recap of the flagship BET Awards. Instead of reviewing the nonsense dolo, I'm using the occasion to introduce you to my family, who'll be live blogging shotgun.

AverageSis (AS) is my wife. For those of you wondering what sorta woman tolerates the real life trainwreck that is AverageBro.com on a daily, here ya' go.

AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers.

AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three.

6:45 PM

[R&B Crooner Raheem DeVaughn gives an acceptance speech for some random BS award. His proceeds to thank his grandma, his management, his fans, his Jewish lawyers, God, the DMV, all 11 of his kids, and even his ex-cornrollist. You'd think this cat just won a Grammy, not some nondescript BET-J Award so insignificant they didn't even bother presenting it during the actual ceremony.]

AB: Man, this dude would faint if he won a real award.

[Lil' Kim pops up on the red carpet, conservatively dressed, yet bursting out of her modest dress like some kinda ghetto Kielbasa.]

AS: What the heck happened to Lil' Kim? She looks like the Asian chick who does my pedicures.

AB: She ain't so Lil' no more neither. That girdle is crying inside. She should call herself Medium Kimberly.

AS: Quit it.

[Jennifer Hudson shows up in a non-flattering Coca Cola colored dress.]

AS: Jennifer Hudson looks a mess. She looks like somebody from Star Wars.


AS: Nah.

AB: Chewbaca?

AS: Yeah, that's it.

[BET begins showing J-Hud's video for her new single "Spotlight".]

AB: This sounds like something you'd hear when you get to the club too early. Not that I'd know nowadays.

AS: True.

AB: I think Beyonce gets the last laugh on this one.

AS: Ditto.

[Alicia Keys, looking radiant as always, makes her label-mandated appearance on the Red Carpet. Her mouth says "I'm happy to be here", her body language screams "Aren't I a bit big for this sorta thing by now? There's Musiq Soulchild waiting tables across the street. I think I see Joe and Jon B eating out of a trashcan in the parking lot. Tweet was sellin' ass on Crenshaw and La Cienega. Damn, I need a new agent!"]

AB: Yeah, that's probably what she's thinkin'.

AS: Huh?

AB: Nothin' honey.

[A promo commercial reminds me that the show is being hosted by none other than DL Hughley. This is gonna be one looong night, but my family is on the way over. I can't bail out now. Too late.]

[Sean Kingston shows up on the red carpet to perform his latest single.]

AB: Damn, that's a big a$$ boy. Clearly somebody's eatin' well.

AS: I think he just looks big beside the girl he's singin' with.

AB: Naw, that's just one big a$$ boy. He's an angioplasty just beggin' to happen.

[AverageSis takes AverageToddler and leaves to go pickup some pizzas. I'm stuck by myself watching this crap. I briefly contemplate pulling the switch on this whole thing before I get too deep in. And just as I'm about to cave in and restore some brain cells by tuning in to Jeopardy, the Gods of Bloggerdom send me a kite.]

AB: Whoa! "Skew It On The BarB"!!?

[Outkast's Big Boi and Wu-Tang's Raekwon the Chef perform the classic mixtape staple, as well as their newest collaboration "Royal Flush". Noticeably absent, and painfully missed: Andre 3000.]

AB: Damn, this is like The BlueNotes without Harold Melvin. And why am I talkin' to myself?

[Where the heck are my brothers anyway? They're runnin' late.]

[Chris Brown shows up on the red carpet, violating about a half-dozen of AB's New Man Laws. But with legions of shrieking young girls behind him, clearly he can't be wrong. Somewhere in a shack in Roxbury, Bobby Brown is cryin' inside.]

[Chris Brown's protege (?!?) preteen (!??!) rapper (!?!?) Scooter (!??!) shows up to kick a "freestyle" (?!?!)]

AB: Who the heck is this Scooter Smiff character? What the heck happened to kids being kids. Am I really supposed to buy this 11 year old as "a Ryder"? Please. Go somewhere and do some times tables or something.

7:45 PM

[Keyshia Cole's dysfunctional and tootless mom and sister arrive on the red carpet poppin' maad sh*t and acting altogether ignant. Cue the "disturbing and unnecessary turn around and show us what you got" shots. I think I just threw up in my mouth.]

AB: Damn, is that Pretty Ricky? In gold tuxes? Don't these dudes have some ghetto prom to crash?

[And on cue, here comes BET Head Nigress In Charge Debra Lee, looking very radiant yet very over aged. Co-hosts Terrance and Rocsi tense up, sorta like I do when my boss drops by unannounced. For once, I feel sorta sad for all involved parties. Myself included.]

AB: Where the heck are my brothers?

[Magically, the doorbell rings. AOB and AMB just arrived.]

[The random dudes who sing "Get Silly" bum rush the stage]

AMB: Is that Soulja Boy?

AB: Looks like him to me.

AMB: This song is silly.

[Bun B shows up for his cameo verse.]

AMB: Dag, I sorta feel bad for this guy. Isn't he too old for this?

AB: Aren't we all?

[Young Buck shows up for his cameo.]

AMB: He's about to start cryin' any moment now.

AB: Sometimes a n*gga get confused.

AOB: You owe me $200k, it's gon' be some confusion alright.

AMB: Wait, that's not Young Buck.

AB: Does it really matter?

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