Wednesday, June 4, 2008's Free Campaign Advice For Barack Obama

Well, in the sage words of that renowned urban poet, Eli Porter, you "didiiiit". You've gone where no brotha's gone before. You crossed that magical, yet constantly moving, 2,128 delegate finish line and gained the nomination.

Savor the moment. Give your wife a cutesy fist pound. Spark up a Dominican (just don't inhale). Break out the Capri Suns. It's party time!

But if you're gonna make history again in November, you're gonna need to switch some things up between now and E-Day. You just got called up from AAA (the Senate) to the majors (precipice of the Number One Spot).

Here's how to ensure you don't get sent back down:

Ignore That Woman - She tried to steal your thunder last night. The nerve of that strumpet to try and stand in the way of history. Her stark raving mad supporters will try and bully you into including her on the ticket. Shake dem' haterz off like you're wearing Bose noise cancelling headphones. Cause we ain't tryinna hear that nonsense.

Sharpen The Rhetoric - Your campaign vs That Woman was all about personality, since both of you more or less advocate the same positions. With Cotton Hill McCain, such is not the case. Dude has very different views, and you'll need to be very upfront about how your positions differ from his and why they're vastly superior.

Take A SoundByte Seminar - The news cycle, for better or for worse, is all about soundbytes. Folks tend to get fixated on 5-10 second blurbs. You've gotta become better at droppin' these sorts of jewels. And why not learn from the kings themselves? Rebb'n Al and Jesse aren't up to much nowadays. Fly them into DC for a weekend of crabcakes and Nats games. Pick their brains. Just don't let the press know you're doin' this. Be discrete. Sit in the skybox, not that baller section with the waiter service behind home plate.

Become a Great Debater - Your performance in debates thus far has been mediocre at best. Which is odd, because for all your fiery rhetoric on the podium when you're delivering a speech to thousands, you're an enigmatic dud when forced into a basic question and answer format. You stumble with basic queries, as if you've never considered having to respond to them before. You do a lot of odd pausing, "uhhhmmmms", and "ahhhhs". Your answers are too longwinded and professorial. Sometimes it's just fine to give a quick, poignant response and let it ride. You've already got a huge advantage on your opponent on the basic issues. And the visual contrast of a 6-3 former basketball player with a 5-9 septuagenarian will be startling enough on TV. Step up your game on items two and three, and this'll be a chipshot.

Update Your iPod - I know you're from the Motown generation, not the Hip Hop one, but c'mon man. If I hear "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" one more time, it's a wrap. Lots of respectable, non-LCD hip hop artists have name checked you, and in some cases, written entire songs supporting your campaign. You got the Kweli and Res jawn, that "Black President" song by Skyzoo, that Kids N The Hall mixtape freestyle, and even that godawful Will.I.Ain't monstrosity to pick from. For the sake of all our eardrums, choose one.

Free Madelyn Dunham - I'm not sure if this has been a strategic decision or whatever, but folks tend to forget you're half-white sometimes. I know your grandmother is in apparently poor health, but given the widely held perception that you're some wayward Negro with a secret plan to enslave white America once in office, wouldn't this be a good time to trot/roll her out? All those folks in Kentucky and West Virginia who think you don't relate to them for some reason would shallow their Copenhagen at the sight of you embracing "Toot" onstage. I'm not 100% sure it would buy you any favor with these folks, but seriously, considering what they think about you right, could it hurt? You strategically namedropped her at the outset of last night's victory speech, so maybe we're already on the same page about this one.

Do The Superfical Patriotic Stuff - Yeah, I know that wearing a lapel pin is a minor gesture of patriotism compared to the years your spent toiling as an underpaid, overeducated community activist. But this is a country of minions that gets caught up on the absence of such trivial gestures. Wear the damn pin, glue your hand over your heart, and learn some Lee Greenwood songs. If they're gonna hate on you, it could at least for some something substantive. Don't give em' that sorta ammunition.

C.Y.I.N. - I think you're long overdue for one of these. I'm not saying morph into Earl Simmons or anything, but one measured burst of niggatude might not be such a bad thing right about now. Dumb as it sounds, people will believe that a guy who's strong and wrong is a better leader than a diplomatic consensus builder like yourself. Like him or not, John McCain's Angry White Dude routine plays out well. He talks greasy and reckless, but people somehow see this as "strong leadership". You might need to find a sacrificial lamb (That Woman looks like a nice target if she keeps hangin' around) to throw under the bus just for the sake of showin' folks how gully you can be if so provoked. Because right now, your "Nice Beige Guy" routine is not really cuttin' it. We don't believe you, you need more people.

Become an Atheist - I'm not tellin' dude to deny the existence of God. That would be waay too severe. But considering all the Preacher Problems you've encountered this year alone, you should probably stay away from any sort of church or religious leaders for the time being. Why add more fuel to the fire? Join St. Matress AME Episcopal COGIC First Baptist. Most of the American public, despite their holier-than-thou judgements, are already members.

War/No War - At the base of everything that separates you from Cotton Hill is his insistence that the war was justified, and yours that it wasn't. Many of the other issues (the economy for example) are ancillary offshoots of this stark contrast. Play this one up to the tee. When he questions your lack of military service, clap back loud and frequently. Don't let him paint you as some weaselly draft dodger when reality is, most Presidents haven't served in the military and it's no prerequisite for the job, even in a time of war.

Take Your Time Choosing a Running Mate - Most candidates don't finger their #2 (okay, very bad word choice) until the week of the election. Remind all the haters and pundits of this fact, and tell them to step the hell off. It's your call, not theirs. But be sure you add someone who can help you, and doesn't bring baggage along with them. Vet everyone carefully. Examine these dudes as if they're showing up to take your daughters to the prom. Jim Webb apparently has some sexist skeletons in the closet. Cross him off the list. Consider a female running mate, but weigh all the options. Think outside the box. Reality is, most folks aren't voting for this person, they're voting for you. Just make sure whomever you choose can definitely bring a swing state along with them. That's the cost of admission.

Follow my advice, and we're party like it's 1999 come January. Bill me later.

Question: What advice would you give Obama?

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