Friday, April 4, 2008

An MultiMedia Exposé: Top 13 Debits To The Black Race

[Editor's Note: This is a controversial post, and I can already hear some folks sayin' "why does this site always denigrate black people?" Actually, this site does uplift black folks who are doing good things. This post just ain't about them.]

There's an old saying that predates me called being "a credit to your race". I don't really know where this whole thing originated, and it's not outwardly used much today now that most white folks strive for political correctness. The gist of it however, is that it's intended to be a compliment to a person of color who "makes the race look good" by virtue of their character and competence. Of course, this is an underhanded swipe in a way, since it generally implies that the rest of your brood must be completely inept imbeciles by comparison if your singular efforts are enough to improve the overall racial balance sheet. Modern day examples of this idiom would be folks like Tony Dungy, Tavis Smiley, Tiger Woods, Condoleeza Rice, and of course, the favorite Negro du jour, Barack Obama.

This being my blog and all, of course there's gotta be a logical flipside to this. Some Negroes, just by sheer virtue of their utter and complete stupidity set honest, hardworking tokens like me back every time they open their cottonpickin' mouths. These are the kinda folks that your Grandma just shakes her head at and leaves the room when she sees them on TV. They aren't credits. In fact, they are quite the opposite.

These folks are Debits To Their Race™. And yes, that indeed was a trademark (™) symbol you just saw. Because unlike the dozens (okay, there's prolly only like 4-5 of them) of other slanguistics I originate here at that get co-opted by other sites (and you know who you are), this one's mine. You heard it here first. I googled that bad boy, and it barely registered a handful of hits, so I'm claimin' it.

Anyways, my girl Thembi gave this one a run a week or so ago, but my list is a little different. Still, peep her brilliant The Only Black People I Can't Stand: Part I post when you get a moment. Props given either way. I present to you this of-so-special baker's dozen of Negroes we could all do without, in no particular order.'s Bottom? Top 13 Debits To The Black Race:

13. Tiffany "New York" Patterson

I guess I could really give this award to any of the fine ladies (Hoopz, Sapphyri, Deelishis) of VH1's Celebreality coonfest, but I'd be wrong if I didn't respect the architect of this whole thing. New York took Omarosa's "bitchy black woman" stereotype to all new levels, and has gotten humped and dumped on TV more times than I can count in the process. I guess I should give her and Flavor Flav debit credit for putting more black folks on TV than any show this side of The Wire. Then again, maybe not.

You mean to tell me Harriett Tubbman died for this sh*t?

12. Robert Sylvester Kelly

In a perfect world, R. Kelly would be in Menard washing some dude named Big Lorenzo's draws right about now. But since Kells makes a whole lot of people a whole lot of money, he has a Get Out of Jail Free For Perpetuity Card. You and I both know this cat will nevar do a day of time. Evar! And this being America and all, I guess that's not too surprising. On the other hand, I just wish folks who stop playing Step In The Name Of Love at church picnics. Something about that just seems soooo wrong.

11. Stephanie Tubbs Jones (R.I.P.)

One of the few joys of watching this election cycle play itself out has been the fact that the MSM finally discovered the joyful hot mess that is Ohio Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones. She is just as entertaining as she is irritating. Her blind allegiance to the Clintons, despite what sorta stuff she is having to defend makes me wonder if this woman has a spine under all those unnecessary chuckles. She looks and sounds more like somebody's beautician than a Congresswoman. What the hell was ya'll thinkin', Cleveland?

10. Jason Whitlock

From his unnecessary scouring of Rutgers head coach Vivian Stringer, to his posthumous ethering of Sean Taylor, Whitlock (formerly of ESPN) uses his Fox Sports pulpit to talk cash sh*t about any and every black athlete. He is the sports version of Jesse Lee Peterson, satiating the middle-American ego with a black co-signer who says the stuff they actually wanna say themselves, but can't for fear of being called racist.

9. Jesse Lee Peterson

Speaking of Peterson, this odd-looking cat keeps popping up on the usual conservative radio and TV shows, usually bashing "black leaders", and kowtowing to the likes of Sean Hannity. I figured I'd better do some homework, considering how much airtime he's been getting of late, and I eventually dug up his book Scam: How the Black Leadership Exploits Black America. Thank God for public libraries, cause this woulda been an awful waste of $16.95! It was the most poorly written, poorly substantiated piece of bullcrap I've ever wasted precious minutes of my life reading (I only made it through two chapters). Some of you think I have a problem with black conservatives. Considering most of my social views, that would be a mis-read. I don't dislike black conservatives, I just plain dislike black liars.

Peterson callously rips down folks like Al Sharpton, Louis Farrakhan, Maxine Waters, and even has the nerve to hold an annual “National Day of Repudiation of Jesse Jackson". I'm obviously not one to defend Jesse and Rebb'n Al, but Negro please. If you can't come up with a cohesive argument for just why these folks are so bad, yet alone speak a complete sentence without splitting 20 verbs, just shut up and H.S.D. already. Of course, Peterson's on the payroll of Fox News, so expect to see lots of him should Obama make it to Denver.

8. Reverend Jeremiah Wright [2]

I didn't have any problem with Wright's statements, and as I've revealed here frequently, I thought they were taken completely out of context and aren't too far removed from what the typical black preacher would say on any given Sunday. Wright's track record of service to this country and his community are above reproach. So why, you ask, is Obama's preacher on this list?

Simply because he could have short circuited this whole dilemma by just coming out a few weeks ago and saying "my comments are my own, not Barack's". I'm sure 20/20, 60 Minutes, hell, even Tyra Banks would all jump at the chance to give him an hour to explain his comments in their proper context. But he played the background and let this thing get far bigger than it needed to.

Had he spoken out, rather than taking that 3 week cruise and his subsequent victory lap around Chicago last weekend, we would be talking about Veep choices by now, not whether random white guys in Wilkes-Barre think Obama is a closet racist. Next time, fall on the sword, old man.

7. Pastor David Manning

This Negro is so far out there, I don't even know where to begin. But considering the fact that he's an ex-con with a "rap sheet longer than Manute Bol"[1], maybe we should just start ignoring him.

6. Amy Holmes [3]

Sometimes, certain people just don't "sit right" with you. You can't quite pinpoint exactly what it is about them, but try as you might, you. just. don't. like. them. CNN/Fox News contributor Amy Holmes would be such a person. They obviously pit the ultra conservative Holmes versus Obama cheerleaders Roland Martin and Jamal Simmons to provide some sorta racial point/counterpoint. But Holmes seldom if ever steers from the "protect the party" mantra, even when there's blatantly racist stuff being tossed out there. So, yeah, I guess I have a problem with black conservatives. Shoot me. I've also got a problem with her "wannabe hipster black chick crinkly hairdo". Sorry Amy, it just ain't workin' for you homegirl. And you ain't workin' for AB.

5. Isaiah Thomas

The NBA has always been an old boys club that rewarded ex-white players with cushy front office gigs to run teams (often into the ground) after their playing days are over. Even marginally talented cats like Rex Chapman, Steve Kerr, Danny Ferry, and John Paxson have been handed the reigns to entire storied franchises, with little to no prior experience. Only recently have black ex-players like Joe Dumars gotten coveted GM titles. And thanks to Isaiah Lord Thomas, and the godawful job he's done of turning the NY Knicks into the biggest laughingstock in all of pro sports, it will prolly be awhile before another brother gets a shot.

He's made terrible trades, even worse signings, fired coaches that should have never been hired, clashed openly with his own players, and let's not forget that little sexual harassment lawsuit. Thankfully he lost one of his jobs already this week, and it's only a matter of time before he's completely relieved of this duties. Knicks fans should be so lucky. They have to live with this capped out roster for another 3-4 seasons.

4. Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick

So, what's the worst of Kwame's screwups? The cherry red Navigator? The jet skis? Running up a quarter mill of personal expenses on a city issued credit card and getting your mama to bail you out? Hiring your jumpoff as CHIEF OF STAFF? The scrippers in the Mayoral Mansion? The dead scripper named Strawberry? The 14,000 sexy text messages? Lying to cover your affair? Costing the city $9M to cover your affair? Going to church and pulling a Clay Davis to save your job? Man, get this negro outta office already.

3. Karrine Steffans

Thankfully, her last book went triple wood [], so we're probably going to be spared the indignity of SuperHead: The Motion Picture. Still, by kissing (among other things) and telling all the sordid details of the random rappers, athletes, actors, and Olive Garden busboys you "serviced", you're not exactly uplifting the black female image. H.S.D.

2. T-Pain and Akon

Record Industry Hustle 06': Take a (really) average looking dude with little dignity and even less discernible talent. Give him a vocoder and some catchy tunes ("I'm In Love With A Stripper", "Locked Up"). Rinse and repeat. Two years later, these no-talent bums have double handedly ruined any semblance of respectable black radio, and now have (somewhat) talented artists like Snoop Dogg and Lil' Wayne jumping on the Zapp bandwagon. Just say no to vocoders boys and girls. Roger Troutman is crying inside.

1. Adam "Pacman" Jones

Since Mike "Can't Get Right" Vick is already doing time, and Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson doesn't have a rap sheet (yet), somebody had to take the fall to fulfill our obligatory black athlete quota. And whom better than Pacman, a man who never met a strip club he couldn't shut down? This genius once notoriously "made it rain" with over 81,000 $1 bills at a Vegas strip club, then after the dancers refused to return the money (which he claimed was simply for "visual effect"), Jones had a weedcarrier return to the club and open fire, paralyzing a bouncer. He got off with 200 hours of community service.

With more than 10 assorted arrests/run-ins with Johnny Law in just over 2 years, it's a wonder that any team even wants him, but of course, this being America and all, the Dallas Cowboys are in the process of trading for him as soon as his season-long NFL ban is lifted. What. A. Country.

DisHonorable Mentions:

Byron Allen - See Amy Holmes. I just don't like this cat. Sorry.
DJ Hughley - Nappy Head Hoes, huh? Nappy head deez "...."!
OJ Simpson - Debit To The Race first ballot Hall of Shamer.
Ward Connerly - Debit To The Race second ballot Hall of Shamer.
Congressman William Jefferson - Just disappear somewhere. Please!
The Jena Six - Stay in school, kids. And by school, I don't mean detention.
Flavor Flav - Noooo Boyeee!!!
Wayne Brady - See Byron Allen.
Bob Johnson - Debit To The Race third ballot Hall of Shamer.
Tyler Perry - Just missed the list, but one more Madea movie, and it's on.
Congressman Emmanuel Cleaver - The stereotypical milquetoast Negro.

Question: Got any glaring omissions you wanna add to the list?

The Only Black People I Can't Stand Part I [What Would Thembi Do?]

[1] Name that tune.
[2] I know some of ya'll are salty about this one. Sorry.
[3] See [2].

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