Funny how real life sometimes imitates art. And if you consider this blog art (I know, it's a stretch), you'd be spooked at how my day played out.
Yesterday, I told you fine folks I was tied up with The Day Job, and dropped one on my favorite, most slept on posts of all-time, the apocalyptic Channelling Your Inner Nigga™ as an AB Rewind to fill the space here while I toiled the night away [||] in a 3rd rate hotel down by the river. If you still haven't read this thing, please do yourself a favor and peep it, leave a comment, then come back, because this post will go right over your head otherwise.
Anyways, I had the consummate "To C.Y.I.N., Or Not To C.Y.I.N.? That Is The Question" moment today. As I've told you guys, C.Y.I.N. is darn near an essential life skill if you're black, just like code switching, knowing the "new" electric slide, and knowing all the lyrics to "La Di Da Di". For the universe to maintain it's perfect balance, some mother******'s just need to be checked on the regulack. You can't permanently C.Y.I.N., you have to use it in controlled bursts when then the need arises. If you're always in C.Y.I.N. mode chances are you are, have been, or will be incarcerated. I don't make the rules folks, that's just how it beez.
While C.Y.I.N. is a must sometimes, it's not something you can really do on the job, especially not if you work in the ever-constrictive environment of Corporate America, and double especially if you're a guy like me whose job is billing customers exorbitant rates for
I will save you guys the boring particulars, but essentially, my customer completely crossed the line today by blatantly accusing me of not knowing a specific technical aspect of my job well enough. Essentially, this dude questioned my intelligence, which isn't offensive or rare in and of itself. After all, the rare black man in a hi-tech field is always going to have to justify his thug, just because it's natually assumed that you don't know what you're doing. A black man playing basketball? Not so much. It just comes with the territory.
So I didn't have nearly as much of a problem with him second guessing my skills as I had a problem with the way he did it: loudly, with his index finger wagging, in front of several other people. The tone of sarcasm and rank condescension was about 20 steps over the line.
To put it bluntly: if we were on the street, it's the kinda stuff that would have probably resulted in An Interracial Nigga Moment.
But when encountered with such an attack in a professional setting in which you need the keep billing and collecting, you can't afford a Nigga Moment, unless you have other ways of paying your mortgage. Whoopin' somebody's ass on G.P. is a noble concept, but AverageToddler can't eat G.P. Countrywide doesn't accept G.P. Pepco won't give me lights and heat on G.P. They want general principal, not general principle. And needless to say, you guys aren't buying nearly enough of those AB.com T-Shirts for me give 2 weeks notice
So, I was faced with The Ultimate Corporate Negro Dilemma: Suck it up and keep cashin' checks, or C.Y.I.N. and probably lost my job at least, and maybe catch a case at worst?
I won't bother telling you guys which route I chose, primarily because I'd like to know how you would have handled such a situation, have handled such a situation, or will handle such a situation if presented with the same set if circumstances. Trusty AverageCommenters Ginger, Carmen D, and EBW have weighted in already, but I'd like to hear from the rest of ya'll.
Question: Is it EVER okay to C.Y.I.N. in a corporate environment to put a mutha******* in check, or is that an instant trip to the unemployment line?
Weigh in early and often you-know-where.
For those of you who have no idea what the heck we're talking about, here's a dramatization of what can happen when you C.Y.I.N. in an inappropriate setting. You might know this as Dave Chappelle's When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong. I know it as Maybe AB Shoulda Whooped Somebody Ass.
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Hehehe I had to comment. Been there done THAT with the finger waiving. Sheeeeit! Ok so in person I am rather soft spoken and it was the 3rd week at the new job.
I have ONE supervisor with whom I communicate my schedule given my classes (im in grad school). The secretary was mad because I didnt tell her about the change. Not my job. So she comes up one morning yelling at me for not telling her about the schedule change (this didnt affect her ) and how its inconsiderate because she needs to know all the changes yada yada yada. She got within 4 inches of my face doing that finger waiving shat. I told her straight out its 8:45a and she needed to get on with that finger waiving and screaming at me as if Im her kid. I had to raise my voice and she got quiet. We had a snarky exchange and she was a bit thrown off because she didnt expect it. The other mgr saw all of it and told my sup that the secretary had no right to get in my face the way she did. Mgr had a sit down with the secretary and she has been sweet as pie since then.
So while I didnt have a CYIN moment I could have and would have been justified because I was warned by my sup about her from jump street. At this stage in the game at work I dont know that it would be worth it to have a CYIN moment. Right now they are just a check and experience on the resume and therefore I dont have anything to prove. Hence the Ice Queen commentary I get from time to time. The problem is that office folks are just so damn self absorbed that they think every twitch of my eye brow has to do with them. It doesnt. Im actually over there just thinking about my next post. LOL!
I would need to know specifics of what happened along with information about your office culture and environment. We are an all women staff and most are menopausal. As in 8/10. I am also in a field that encourages the touch feeliness and so given our gender and field of work emotions are embraced here. I do know that in a male dominated field such as yours it would be wholly inappropriate especially because you are black. You're expected to remain in line and take that shat like a whipped donkey.
Every customer is a little different, but most respect that you know what you're doing and trust your judgement. I already know walking in that just because dudes who look like me are rare in my line of bidness, customers are going to be skeptical about my ability from the jump, especially when they are paying $250+/hr for my services.
That said, systems engineering is a white male dominated sociery, and even when I've sufficiently proven my ability repeatedly, reality is I'm still black, and people still think they can talk to you any old way, just because. This happens so frequently, I've wisely learned over the years to not attach my self worth to other peoples perceptions of my ability, so I've learned to cope, sometimes even thrive when doubted.
But dude completely and totally overstepped the boundary with me today in ways I can't even put in words. It was the rare time when I seriously ran the "well, if I lose my job, we can make it for a good six months" scenario in my head, which is scary.
Of course my white co-workers saw nothing wrong about this exchange, they are used to talking greasy to each other, so they wondered why I even took offense. Explaining made no sense. I needed to check in with my AverageCommenters to make sure I shouldn't have just gone ahead and bitchslapped this bama just for the heck of it. In retrospect, I am glad I didn't.
Who says blogging ain't therapeutic? Even for an anonymous dude like me who doesn't do "personal" posts, this was a badly needed exhale.
AB, I think you went out like a lil' bitch. if this offense was as bad as you seem to indicate, and you chose not to do anything, then you are setting yourself to get stepped on again and again, bruh.
Back again! I was corporate for a long, long time. IMHO you have to set your boundaries. I don't mean go off on him, but it might have been effective to say something like, "Soandso, I need you to lower your voice and address me in a way that is appropriate." It may sound stilted, but I have said just that very firmly and with clear resolve on several occaisions. The perpetrator always backed down. And you know what, afterwards on a couple of those occaisions I went back to my office closed my door and sobbed, trembling uncontrollably. BUT, the offender always, always respected me after that and never pulled that ish with me again. Good luck sorting this all out. It's not easy.
I am a 50 years of age I don't no what your age is but, you sound young. AB, you have to weight the cost. You know that Mr. Bill won't to be paid. I hope you made the right choice. The Bible says that a soft response will calm even a fool.
LOL!
This happens so frequently, I've wisely learned over the years to not attach my self worth to other peoples perceptions of my ability, so I've learned to cope, sometimes even thrive when doubted.
Wise words. I need to let that marinate because it speaks to something Ive been dealing with here at the plantation.
Mr. Latte works in project management for one of the govt contractors and goes through the same thing. But he is calm, cool and collected ALWAYS. When you come in and shake up the lazy govt workers they dont like it and especially when an educated black man is calling the shots. What you is something similar that happened to him but his style is to remain calm and get the person to match his tone because as they scream and carry on further the more silly they look for getting out of pocket. He mentioned the other day that one of the customers got out of pocket in a meeting and via email and I don't think he flinched. He is determined. However, that can further antagonize the person or make them reassess their approach.
I would say the same for you. If this is a job that you like otherwise then by all means figure out a way to get past the plantation BS. Its a game and Im sure you know how to play it. You can't change how others deal with you but you can change how you react to them and how they affect you. You know your job, you do it, end of story.
Your site is awesome and even though my thing is personal finance this gives me an outlet to discuss plantation events and coon poliwash.
Been lurking for a while at your spot but this is my first time commenting. Enjoy your work! :)
To whit: I think I am like most of the other ladies who have posted here in saying that for women especially you have to kind of set the tone from jump that you really ain't that n*gga to be played with. And that's unfortunate. But I find that with white folks, they figure out real quick who they can and cannot f*ck with.
I've had to have several closed door moments over the course of my career (I'm 34 and work in finance), normally with white supervisors who OBVIOUSLY got me confused with Timmy or Sally (i.e. their MF'ing kids!). Usually my spiel goes something along the lines of I like working here and with you but I'm obligated to let you know when the boundaries of personal respect have been crossed and they were crossed during X moment. I further say that my expectation is that that said incident won't happen again because if I can't be treated respectfully then SURELY you shouldn't think I going to give the same in return because I can be VERY UNPROFESSIONAL if necessary. I say this all very calmly, with a straight face and no smiling.
They usually understand at THAT point that this is not a f*cking game. I've never had a problem again. Once you set them straight once, you generally don't have those types of issues again. Oh and as far as administrative staff goes, I don't generally have those issues because normally they are black too so they understand the deal because they have to deal with it themselves.
Man Im having a plantation moment over here. TIH I might have to take some of your advice and put someone in their place today.
How do you handle a supervisor who is on a "im going to pick at everything you do today because Im pissed" rampage.
Jesus take the wheel.
Man, I agree with teh people who said you needed to check that cat in a respectful manner.
At my job the other day, I had a white person make a disparaging remark about black people in general while complaining to me about an action I had taken that she didn't agree with.
I had patiently ignored teh racist undertones of her previous comments, but when she made this final comment I politely let her know that she had crossed the line and I was no longer concerned with her issues and hung up the phone.
In the past, at other jobs, I've let my emotions get the best of me and my inner nigga came out much more stridently. In the form of threats and macho posturing. I realize now, that the best response is to check the offender calmly and succintly, which protects you from charges of being the out of control angry negro.
In the past, when I responded in anger to a white man's threats to sic his dogs on me, I later had to go through a round of questions with my supervisors that helped me to understand that the best way to respond is in a manner that leaves you above reproach.
Approaches like Carmen D's and CYIN can be equally effective. I have used both with success, but it really comes down to a judgement call and the particular situation at hand. I would recommend using CYIN only if you know you have something better to move on to financially and really do not care anymore, OR if you know you are 100% right in the situation and your employer will back you up. Or if the type of corporate climate you work in is ok with show-downs and shout matches and you know that in a few days or so it will be forgotten.
I probably woulda said "Belittlement and condescension is unproductive, unprofessional, unwarranted, an plainly insulting. Do the both of us a favor & behave as a professional adult should."
AB,
I feel your pain too.
Like many of the other posters I have shared that experience. I believe that with age and confidence come the ability to CYIN but do so ACCURATELY. By this I mean that I allow my Inna Nigga to respond to any personal affront, in-kind. Respect must be given to be earned so anyone in any environ that steps over the line of "common respect" will receive from me an appropriately dis-respectful response. Which I immediately follow with a VERY calm explanation of what I just did to them and why. (demonstrate to the MF's just how much you actually do code switch!)
The key is responding in-kind then explaining to that cracka mo-fo he is not at home, and he is not talking to his wife nor his children. Remind him right there in front of everybody that he is supposed to conduct himself in a professional manner when in an office. From that point you'll have no problem from him.
When I was younger I was far more likely to either do as you did or release my IN.
I further say that my expectation is that that said incident won't happen again because if I can't be treated respectfully then SURELY you shouldn't think I going to give the same in return because I can be VERY UNPROFESSIONAL if necessary. Tiffany in Houston has me CTFU... AB you should've calmly stood up NEVER let them look down on you while THEY're showin their ass! Told him calmly but firmly to remove his finger from your face and lower his voice. What you have to do while saying this is CYIN look! If you are on the phone then give the CYIN tone! it works... I still love Tiffany's comment Very Unprofessional IF necessary! CTFU
"You'd be spooked at how my day played out."
Nice play on words.
CYIN? I've done it and will do it again.
AB, I love our lexicon of initialisms - I hope that one day these terms are accepted by the mainstream media instead of that Ebonics trash. We need these terms to navigate this here world.(SEBD = Someone Else's Baby Daddy).
@thembi,
The "spooked" was completely unintentional. But I guess it was appropriate.
Update: just in case ya'll were wondering how I played it, I didn't lose my calm. I simply turned around, and walked out the room while he was still talking so I could calm my nerves and weigh my options. I'm sure he talked cash trash, but what are you gonna do? I came back in the office 3-4 mins later like nothing ever happened. He also acted like nothing ever happened. I didn't say anything more to him today. I did get errythang done by my deadline as needed. The offending party's boss was impressed with my work. I am about to go home to my wife and kid with my job and some measure of dignity in tact.
These were some great suggestions,but ultimately you can only respond when the situation arises. Would I do it differently the next time? Prolly, prolly not. Who knows?
Good convo.
Wow, AB. This topic has certainly sparked response. Maybe it's the personalization of the issue that has prompted so many comments. I love Ginger's comments on Mr. Latte's response. I work for a Gov't contractor, so I can totally relate. I also have to deal with ex-military who don't realize that they are no longer in the military, and I'm not the one you want to try to pull "rank" on. I've never been in the military, and we are all civilians, so that approach goes nowhere with me.
Tiffany in Houston, I totally agree with you. I handle my business much in the same way, and I kill them with kindness.(It's very effective, eats them up, and they'll never be able to call you on being anything but professional.) I feel you Tiffany, as black women in corporate America, it's a damn shame that we even have to take it there. But, I have to admit...I'm amused everytime I back one of them down and set them straight. And you're right, nine times out of ten, you never have to address the issue again, because in the words of Ice Cube,they figure out quickly that "You are the wrong Ni**er to Fu*k with".
It's tough, but I probably would not CYIN because like you said, my AveragePreschooler does not eat CYIN. It's times like that I just take a deep breath and count to ten, or just have a CYIN moment in my head. It's hard, but I have to have a job.
It's interesting that we're calling something "CYIN" that's really just standing up for yourself. Are we not niggers as long as we remain neutered and neutral in every way and show no emotion that will make a white person uncomfortable? And then, once we show this emotion we're acting niggerish? Is this buying into the stereotype? Can't we just be black people who sometimes have to set our boundaries? Certainly most of the methods described in the comment section do not seem in any way unprofessional.
Damn, people love to leave long ass comments! I'm not gonna do that, Average Bro. You've got better things to do than read my nonsense.
But I will say, that for someone who makes as much as you, you complain too much. I'm an unemployed black male in grad school, and I would love to be in your position.
There's no need for a CYIN moment, nor a need to brag that your white neighbors read this blog. But that's my opinion only, which has no bearing on what you do.
Just stay up and keep posting.
AverageBro, you did what you thought was necessary.
Let's be real: What constitutes CYIN in the line at Giant could've had you and AverageFamily out on the curb if you pulled that stunt at work. But like the ladies said before me, there's a way to put folks in their place--charmingly. I would've firmly reminded old boy that there was a reason I was hired to complete his project, emphasizing that I possess specialized knowledge that he needs and doesn't have. For extra gulliness, I'd have given this speech with a bit of a furrow in my brow, making sure to grin like Aunt Jemima while speaking, then shutting him the f--k up with "Now, where were we?"
Glad you completed the project anyway.
Hi Average Bro - I love reading your blog! I had a similar moment at work last month. Like you, I'm an IT Lone Black and pretty used to getting tested by my colleagues and clients regularly. I won't waste space re-typing it here. I'll just post the link below. The really offensive thing is that my 'testers' are getting younger and younger and I think there is an age threshold for the CYIN Moment...what do you think?
My CYIN Moment - http://pennibrown.blogspot.com/2007/11/oh-no-she-didnt.html
AB,
This is a fantastic post. Definitely touching on a lot of issues I've been thinking about.
I myself am a very recent college grad and in my first job working for The Man in corporate America. My job happens to involve working in small teams on cases and here's something that happened to a friend of mine at work who's another young black female. She was put on a case with 4 other people--all male, two white, two asian. For the first few weeks, she kept noticing some "odd" behavior--her opinions being passed over in team meetings, the manager triple checking her technical work while just accepting the ones of her co-workers with the same experience.
This kind of stuff is more subtle than what you experienced but at the end of the day, what's a person to do? We've decided it was better for her to just suck it up and wait it out till her next assignment with a different team. Especially this early in the career, it's just too risky to C.Y.I.N in a corporate environment. Maybe it gets different as you get up there and have more clout but us young 'uns just let it slide.
AVB, I think you did the right thing. I hear a lot of "I gotta set that boundary in stone on day one" stuff, but I would respectfully suggest that doing this is impacting your future success. Your focus should be on forming alliances, not drawing battle lines. Consulting, however, is an even worse situation to decide you want to channel Custer.
Walking out is the right course... better even than just sucking it up. The guy flipping out on you doesn't matter. He's not writing the checks... he is, in the scheme of things, a jealous pissant who wishes he could rake in half what you're making, not to mention the fact that you're probably there because him or somebody on his team didn't have the sk1llz. Look at it like this. If the guy knew enough to talk shit about your technical ability, why wasn't he doing the work?
Anyway, given that the money man was happy with you, the company that got you the work is happy with you, and the two firms are happy with each other, one loudmouth bastard means exactly nothing.
Now that I'm on the hiring side of the aisle instead of the consulting side, I give a short reminder to the team when I introduce a contractor or consultant: "Everybody, meet $name. He's here because he knows xyz, and none of us have a damn clue about that. Please give him whatever he needs to get his work done asap. $name, this is the net-ops team... they know the network and the users, not to mention a raft of network-related things you need to know to get paid, but currently do not. Please give a yell if you need anything, rather than wasting time trying to figure it out on your own.
Call me if there's a problem, I'm in my office."
Mutual respect for the situations of both the consultant and the employees is important to getting the work done, and it seems to me that if you get that out in the open from the beginning, it relieves a lot of the job-security worry and feelings of inadequacy from the employees, and draws the boundary line for the consultant to work within. People who waste their time getting into pissing contests with the hired gun are not long retained on my project teams.
Overall though, I have to say that flipping out on the peon is probably the worst choice you could have made. You lose your contract, piss off the customer, anger your own employer, and gain nothing but a story to tell at the bar about what a badass you are, while you're asking your friend to buy you a round until you get some new work.
Hey AB, just started reading your blog and really enjoy it.
My first job out of college was working for a sales finance company. I was 21 and a black woman with a degree. The only black person in the office. Did not sit well with two older white women that worked in the office, one with a high school diploma and one without, who, until that time, had been the only women in the office. I started off taking customer service calls, advanced to taking sales calls and had the highest customer service rating in the country. There were rumblings of grooming me for management. The two white women started going to my boss after I had left and pointing things out to him that I had done that THEY thought were problems.
One particular day, I was on the phone and they both decided that the moment I was on the phone was the moment to come over and tag-team me on a non-issue. I am very laid back so I guess they assumed that I would not say anything. It was an open office and I watched them signal each other and get up and walk over. They stood there as I was on the phone and just started in. I politely placed my call on hold, stood up and told them they had two seconds to get away from my desk before I went ethnic on their asses. My supervisor came running out when he saw one of them point her finger in my face and I brushed it away. I left that company about a year later. About three years after that, I went to a job interview that was probably the best interview of my life. I nailed it. I walked out laughing with the managing officer only to look up and see the two white women that I had the run-in with sitting at desks. We were cordial and said hi and I went to the elevator and left. I immediately called my husband and told him that the itnerview went well but I would not get the job because I know as soon as the elevator door closed, they ran into his office to tell him not to hire me. And I never heard from him again. Karma can be a bitch..:)
I am now a forty year old married mom of three and this is my thinking on these matters - If my parents and my husband don't talk to me like crap, then I am certainly not going to let some gray girl or boy do it. Period, point blank. I don't go looking for problems and I have let some things slide but if you want to come at me, be prepared for what you might get in return. It's standing up for yourself. If one person sees you take it, then they will try it and see if they can get away with it.
On another note, just had a prime example of white foolishness happened in my office last week. There were two young, black police officers killed in the neighborhood next to mine. Streets were cut off as they hunted for the killers and I was late to work. I got here and went to tell my supervisor that I was in. A closet redneck was talking to her when I came around the corner and he looks at me and goes, "Hi, shooter" and laughs. Now, as much as that could have been a CYIN moment, I just looked at him and said, "That's not funny, two police
were killed." He immediately stops laughing and asks me if everythings OK.
That's what most gray folks do, test you to see how you react. And I understand that. It's just something that is going to always happen...
Climbing off of my soapbox now...
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