Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The 11th Annual Judge Joe Brown "Do Better" Awards

[Editor's Note: Ok, so has only been in existence 9 months. But admit it, 11th annual sounds a lot better than first.]

It's late December, which means lots of things. A week off the Day Job. Crappy "End of Year" recaps. Fistfights in shopping mall parking lots. As we prepare to ring in the new year, I figured I'd get a few things off my chest that I'd prefer to not see in "The Ocho".

I'm sure many of you will read this list and assume I'm some bitter old man, and you'd be mostly correct except for the fact that I'm in my mid-30's, so technically I'm not old, yet anyway. Anyways, in the name of balance, I'll be rolling out my JJB "Well Done" list later this week. Keep it locked.

I now present to you, The 11th Annual Judge Joe Brown "Do Better" Awards (aka: Things AB Could Do Without In 08') in no particular order:

Pencil Jeans - Or more specifically, dudes wearing pencil jeans. I don't really understand this whole "skater" look that kids are aiming for these days, but watching 18 year old men in jeans so tight they might catch a yeast infection is not a good look. I never thought I'd long for the days of baggy jeans, but dag ya'll, c'mon. And those sparkly, mulitcolored hoodies look equally stupid. Grown men should not be dressed like Hello Kitty.

Illegal Immigrants Working In Customer Service Positions - As frequently stated, AB is all for illegal immigrants getting their hustle on. Hell, if I can get four bathrooms remodeled for $3,000, and help feed a generation of Guatemalans in the process, I'm all for it. But there are definitely some jobs you just shouldn't get if you can't speak the language. When I couldn't find any batteries at my local Target store today, I cornered an "associate" who had no idea what I was talking about, and darn near had a Radio Raheem Moment. "D, Mutha*******!!! D!!!"

Celebrity "Reality" Shows - I admittedly don't watch these things, so I'm probably not the guy to be critiquing them, but enough already. "Run's House" was palatable, but do we really need shows to Salt N' Pepa, Snoop Dogg, and Irv Gotti? And while I'm sure these shows are effected by the writer's strike, how badly scripted are they? Note to HollyWeird: reality is called reality for a reason: because real life is boring. Mixing in poor writing and contrived plots don't help much either.

Michael Jordan - MJ, looking like he's been hitting up Queen City-area Bojangles pretty often, popped in an Charlotte Bobcats practice the other day to "motivate the team". The last time he stepped in to "motivate the team", I got stuck with 4 years of Kwame Brown. Note to MJ: Stay retired.

Ringtone Rap Dances - In 07' alone, you had "Score a 10 On The Degree of Difficulty" dances like The Aunt Jackie, Spiderman that Ho, The Soulja Boy, Pop Lock and Drop It, The Ratchet, Move My Feet (or whatever it's called), Batman that Ho', and whatever the hell Chris Brown is doing. Whatever happened to simple dances like The Reebok, and The Pee Wee Herman? Middle School Dances must be hell on a young dude nowadays.

Those Red Gap Inspi[RED] Shirts - T-shirt activism personified. Drop $45 on a wringer T, and feel less sh*tty about the starvin' chil'rens in Ak-a-Fra. Sally Strothers is cryin' inside.

DriveBy Activism - 2007 was The Year Of Misplaced Sympathy. Given the number of YouTube/MySpace embarrassments suffered this year, let's all try and be a bit more discriminate in choosing who we rally around in 08'.

Karrine "SuperHead" Steffans - So, her latest book bombed and now this chick is supposedly trying her hand at the rap game. Considering the fact that she's already literally given a hand (and a few other body parts) to half the rap game already, maybe this will work out for her, but considering the quality of fem-cees out right about now, I don't see her adding much to an already bleak situation. Note to Karrine: get a real day job. It ain't that hard.

Vocoders - As if Akon wasn't annoying enough, T-Pain jumped on the bandwagon, Sean Kingston had a hit, and now Snoop is doin' it. Note to all A&R's: sangin' isn't all that hard. Find someone who can actually do it. Roger Troutman is cryin' inside.

Dumb Voters - Maybe we should bring back poll taxes or something, because if I hear one more person say they "don't know enough about Candidate X", or "don't know what Candidate X's position on Issue X is", I am going to knock a Negro out. Seriously, do you expect politicians to come and sit down at your dinner table? Do a little work for a change. Google something. Read a newspaper. Use the Internet for something other than MySpace and pRon illegal downloading. Whatever the case, if you haven't paid enough attention by now to know who you're voting for, please do me a favor and don't vote. I don't need your dumb vote cancelling out mine.

Triflin' Black Men/Self-Loathing Black Women - Here's a hint: if you're always in bad relationships, check the common denominator and stop blaming the opposite sex for all your problems.

Bill Clinton - Please sit down and STHU.

Gilbert Arenas - Please make up with your baby mama, rehab that knee, and STHU.

Coca Cola - I realize the soft drink game is pretty lucrative when you can sell quarter waters for $2 (Vitamin Water for those who are slow), but how many darn flavors of Coke do we really need? There's Coke II, New Coke, Coke Plus, Coke Zero, Coke Blak, Kosher Coke, Kwanzaa Coke, Chitlin' Coke, and now, the new and improved Plain' Ass Coke. I don't drink any of this stuff since I did that "effects of cola on ground beef" experiment for my 7th grade science fair, but c'mon, enough already.

Black Awards Shows - Or more specifically, hip-hop Awards shows like the BET Awards, The Source Awards, The Vibe Awards, and my new ig'nant favorite, The Ozone Awards. I guess it's okay to reward mediocrity (I mean, even won an award), but at what point does enough become enough? And for the record, if "Little Duffle Bag Boy" was your song of the year, just kill yourself already. Life isn't getting any easier.

Michael Baisden - Yeah, I know I stay on this dude, but for real, I just wish he'd stay in his lane. When he's talking greasy about his usual Negro Nonsense (pimpin' preachers, threesomes, triflin' baby mamas) and playing that 80's R&B music (aka: the best decade of music evar) his show is harmless, brainless fun. But when he tries to become an "activist" and uses his show to summarily discredit reputable organizations like Color of Change, well, that's borderline dangerous.

Dumb Athletes - Not a day goes by without another paternity suit, botched robbery, or roid' rage incident. Play your games and go home afterward. Please.

Feel free to add your own awards you know where.

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