Monday, June 11, 2012

NBA Baller Beats: Quite Possibly The Worst Video Game Evar.

As a guy who plays one video game, and one video game only[1], I find so many things patently offensive about the NBA Baller Beats gameplay trailer that I'm almost at a loss for words.


Let's see...
1) The game involves dribbling an actual regulation sized basketball. Did the makers of this title consider the fact that dribbling an actual regulation sized basketball indoors is both noisy and not really wise? Do they realize that every black child in America was told "Don't you dribble that damn ball inside my house!" by black parents growing up?

2) If you're a grownup, unless you live in a single family home, this makes no sense whatsoever. You're neighbors are prolly gonna hate you and do some cruel things to your car if they have to endure this level of noise. Assuming, of course, you have hardwood floors and can play this in the first place. You can't dribble on carpet after all.

3) Janelle Monae?!? "Tightrope"?!? On a video game?!? Word?

4) Mixing the "nice looking chick who plays ball" into this crew is supposed to be a realistic portrayal of how sh*t goes down in the real world? Word? "Nice looking chicks" do not play ball, nor do they hang out with losers who play XBox Kinect.

5) How many flat screen TVs will be demolished by an errant crossover? Is this the first video game that can cause actual physical damage to a household?

6) The white guy just had to be the one to mess up. That's racist.

7) And last but certainly not least, this is a freakin' Guitar Hero ripoff!?! Jesus!!!
Dear EA Sports,

Please focus on getting the Live! franchise back on the rails so you can give us a reasonable alternative to NBA2K. This tomfoolery must end, and it must end now.

Question: Would you play this nonsense?

[1] Take a wild guess.

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