Tuesday, November 1, 2011

AB.com's Completely Unsolicited Advice For Herman Cain.

I'm not a crisis manager by trade, I just occasionally play one on the internets. When notable public figures find themselves in a bind, I provide no-cost, common sense advice which if applied properly, can quickly squash any controversy. When ignored, however, the results can be downright disastrous. I'm an amateur, but I know that of which I speak. Consider me a poor man's Eli Gould.[1]

And with that, here's my completely unsolicited advice for Herman Cain...

Either Get Your Story Straight, Or Stop Talking Altogether!!! - Watching Cain's quickly evolving "see, what had happened was..." explanation for those harassment charges yesterday was a public case study in political amateurism. At first he was completely innocent, then he heard nothing about a settlement, then there was a settlement, but the b*tch was lying. Seriously, Cain knew about the pending Politico story 10 days ago. He had plenty of time to get his facts straight. He could have preemptively gotten ahead of this by issuing a statement before the story dropped. Instead, he did no homework, and looked like and outright liar as his story changed with the wind yesterday. This was rank amateurism at its worst. Now, Cain should refrain from discussing publicly and either issue a full statement, or simply not talk anymore and pray this goes away.

Contact Those Women Before The Media Does. - Cain's explanation that he had no idea there was a hush payment given to an employee when he was in charge of a small 300 person organization is also a lie. If you're CEO and you get hit with such an allegation, you don't turn this over to general counsel and keep it movin'. He certainly signed off on any monetary compensation provided to those women. He is lucky the women are bound by an NDA to not disclose further information. It would benefit him greatly to contact them now, and give them even more hush money to remain quiet.

Disappear For A Minute. - The worst thing Cain can do is keep making foolhardy public appearances. Currently on a media tour to promote (what else?) a book, Cain would be best served to get ghost until the next GOP debate. Standing in front of a mic several times a day is only going to open him up to further questioning.

Find Out Who Leaked This Story, And Leak A Story About Them. - The consensus seems to be that one of Cain's GOP opponents went to the press with this story, although depending on whom you ask, rumors about Cain's alleged transgressions have been floating out there for months. My guess is the culprit's name rhymes with Dick Derry, which makes sense because both are essentially vying for the same hardcore Conservative voters. Perry's had some tawdry rumors about his own sex-related issues floating out there for months. Make some sh*t up, leak the story to another lamestream media outlet, feign ignorance, and watch the media attention shift.

Dude, Where Is Your Wife?!? - The trump card to squelch any sex-related controversy is to drag your poor wife in front of the cameras, as if to say "see, I'm not all that bad, this lady's stuck by me for years". Cain has been married nearly 4 decades, but have you seen his wife or adult kids at all? This might be a good time to put them in front of the cameras.

For God's Sake, Show Some Darn Humility! - When Cain got in front of the cameras at the National Press Club, I knew we were in for a treat. Not since Jeremiah Wright's infamous press conference have we seen a guy so strong and wrong show his a$$. Cain doesn't have a repentant or humble bone is his body, and when you're dealing with sexual allegations, that's not exactly the image you want to project. Stop referring to yourself in the 3rd person!!! Quit comparing yourself to Clarence Thomas, dude wasn't exactly 100% innocent ya' know? Stop sangin' "Amazing Grace" everytime some white person asks you to. You're at about an 11 right now. We're gonna need you to dial the ego back to about a 5. Please.

Blame Obama!!! - Cain's already played the race card, and blamed "the media" for this "witchhunt". You know what would really get Conservatives behind you? Claim this story was somehow manufactured (forget the word "leak", go BIG) by the Obama Administration to keep a Conservative brotha down. You don't need to substantiate this. Conservatives don't need proof (look at the birther conspiracy, which was still a campaign issue as recently as last week!), they just need someone to validate their own beliefs. Run with this.

Question: Got any unsolicited advice of your own for Daddy Green?!?

[1] Just Google it already.

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