Wednesday, November 30, 2011

5 Play Thursday - Five Songs Herman Cain Can Sing To Make Voters Forget These Latest Allegations.

There's a great chance Herman Cain drops out of the race any moment now, which would make this post utterly pointless. But hey, assuming he does stay in, he's gonna need to somehow win back the support of all those Real Americans who have jumped off the Cain Train in the wake of myriad allegations of sexual impropriety. He's sorta made a name of sangin' gospel songs (by request!) on the campaign trail, which I suppose was part of this appeal in the first place. So what better time to spontaneously bust out into song now?

This very special edition of 3 Play Thursday provides a few very timely and very appropriate suggestions:

Shaggy - "It Wasn't Me!"

When it doubt, deny, deny, deny. Cain's defense to this point have been to accuse every one of his accusers of lying. Why stop now? Sure, I have faux dancehall just as much as you, but this song gets played on cruise ships, so there's a good chance Real Americans will know it, cause Real Americans love cruises.

Shirley Murdock - "As We Lay"

Since these latest allegations actually appear to have some corroborating evidence, the "deny deny deny" tactic might now work. Why not belt out this classic R&B tune about the allure, and consequences of having an affair? This is a pretty challenging song to master, but Cain's an ordained minister, and actually can sang. Plus, he's old, so there's a good chance he knows this song by heart.

TS Monk - "Can't Keep My Hands To Myself"

Claiming you fell prey to forces far larger than your own power is a good way to excuse bad behavior. Look how many people have blamed their indiscretions on the a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol? You can claim you're a serial groper whose disease simply hasn't been diagnosed yet. It's sorta "blame the victimy", sure, but it also casts you as a victim. And if there's anything the GOP loves lately, it's people who play the victim role. Personal responsibility, shmersonal shermonsibility. Bonus Suggestion: you can even claim that ObamaCare prevented your ailment from being properly diagnosed. #winning

E-40 - "Captain Save A Pro"

Cain claims he was just helping out a friend in dire financial straits. For the better part of a decade. That's not financial assistance. That's called "savin' em'". This song will help explain that whole concept, Herm.

Quad City DJ's - "Come On Ride That Train"

I'm still unsure why this isn't already Cain's official campaign song. It should be. Assuming he stays, this must happen. This needs to happen. It's also a popular song at football games and Real Americans love football. Just drop the track, and stand back. Soon as they hear that "whoot whoot", they'll be back on your side.

Question: Got any tunes you might recommend for Herman Cain's comeback playlist?!?

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