Monday, March 14, 2011

Ashy Or Classy?!? - 50 Cent's Oscar-Worthy Performance.

Look, folks. I hate being branded as a hater. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't go trolling around the internets looking for random sh*t to hate on here at I really, really don't.

Personally, I happen to like 50 Cent. Not so much as a rapper anymore, but definitely as an all-purpose entertainer. The guy's funny. He's a genuine "rags to riches" American success story. He's a hustler. He's hard not to like. Which is why it pains me so much to witness the f*ckery that is the trailer for his "long awaited motion picture release" Things Fall Apart, aka: the movie 50 Cent (allegedly) lost all that weight for.

Uhhhh, boy, where do I begin with all the wrongness in this 2:28 "trailer"?!?
Why is a college football team clearly playing inside of a basketball arena? (:10)

Mario Van Peebles & Lynn Whitfield, cast as 50's parents? Uhhhh, seriously? (:12)

Dreadloc wigs? Who's 50 posed' to be, Papa Doc?!? (:19)

My eyes! My eyes! Surely these folks know about HD trailers, right? Or maybe the fuzziness is on purpose. (:25)

Why are there cardboard cutouts masquerading as fans in the stands? Is it really that hard to get extras in Michigan? I'm guessing you offer enough people $5/hour to stand around and act enthused and you'd probably have some takers, given Detroit's economy. (:30)

That was the worst cinematic fall EVAR!!! (:35)

Lynn Whitfield is too good for this sorta nonsense. She played Josephine Baker for crissakes! BTW, does this woman ever age?!? (:46)

Ray Liotta? Wow. It's been a looong time since Goodfellas. (:50)

50 does his best Tyrone Hill impersonation. I'm impressed. (:52)

Now that was a fall. I'm definitely impressed. Them actin' lessons is payin' off, Fif. (1:21)

Anytime a Nelly song pops up at an inspirational moment, you know this movie's going straight to Redbox. (1:35)

"Curtis 50 Cent Jackson... in the most critically acclaimed role of his career!" Wow, how many times did the voiceover guy have to do that line without bustin out laughing? (1:49)

Where is he running to? (2:10)

That image will be on a motivational poster in barbershops nationwide. Mark. My. Words. (2:13)

And by "coming soon", they mean, as soon as Redbox tells us to ship the DVD's over. (2:21)
Question: Ashy Or Classy?!? Is 50 winning an Oscar for this movie, or is this jawn headed straight for the bargain bin at Target?

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