Monday, September 27, 2010's Completely Unsolicited Advice For Bishop Eddie Long.

So, Eddie Long showed up at chuuch yesterday, and defying all laws of Negro Common Sense, decided not to directly address the lawsuits he's currently facing. Not only did he not explicitly say "I did not f*ck them little boys!", he also pulled a classic Negro Jedi Mind Trick by flipping the script and making himself out as the victim of some vast media conspiracy. He also suggested that this was merely a distraction to keep people from voting in the November election.[1] It was a classic move from The Clay Davis Playbook Of Diverting Attention From Scurrilous Allegations. Take the heat off yourself by projecting the guilt onto a another party. It would be brilliant if we hadn't already seen the exact same play a million times already. Instead, it was merely predictable. And kinda pathetic.

Skip to around the 4:30 mark if you don't want to hear a pointless sermon.

Sorry, but pulling this sorta trick doesn't do anything to get the heat off you, despite the "clapping otter"-like response from the New Birth congregation. In the court of public opinion, which is quite honestly the only one that matters in a civil suit, this cat still looks guilty than a mug. Who is he getting PR advice from, The Obama Administration? This was truly a terrible way to say "I ain't do it!".

That said, I'm in the unpaid business of giving great advice. Check my resume if you need proof. So, I present to Bishop Long,'s Completely Unsolicited Advice:

If You Ain't Do It... - Say you ain't do it. How hard is it to just come out and say "I ain't f*ck them little boys"? Seriously, your entire livelihood is your reputation. If you didn't do this, there's no lawyer who should be able to put a gag order on you. This is a civil case, not a criminal one. Even if you said something that came back to haunt you in court, it would only be a monetary loss, not a loss of freedom. Tell your lawyers to shut up, sit down, and let you tell the truth.

Everyone is worried about christian dior watches and the recovery of jacob & co watches, now our company offers you vacheron constantin watches & links of lodon chain, if you buy both, you get one free home equity loans box.

Fire Your Lawyers - Whoever's representing you must be a rank amateur. Are you sure this cat, the one who made a fool of himself on Tom Joyner last week, has even passed the Georgia bar yet? Bruh, fire this moron, raise a love offering, and go get yourself some good Jewish lawyers. Lawyer up correctly, and not only will you get off, but you could sue (and bury) your accusers for slander. Call TI! Call Robert Kelly! Call Orenthal! (okay, maybe not) Whoever repped them needs to be on retainer pronto.

Explain Those Photos! - Many people, yours truly included, jumped off the bandwagon when those extra zesty photos of you in spandex dropped last week. What's up with that, bruh? You need to explain this one away. Speaking of which...

Go On Larry King - This is a no-brainer. He's not the most aggressive interviewer, and he does a good job of coddling interviewees with easy questions so things don't get too thick. Don't even think about going on Oprah. Remove Barbara Walters from your caller ID. Martin Basheer too. And stay off black radio, you don't need to be getting drilled [||] by Roland Martin anymore. Find the right interviewer who'll allow you to tell your entire side of the story with the least amount of cross questioning. King's the man.

Stop Playing The Victim Card - Again, if you ain't do nothin' wrong, what is there to hide? Stop making this out to be something more than it is, and spinning this as an attack on New Birth, the Longfellows Academy, and (no, really, this happened) President Obama. Man up, take the hit, and explain what happened. There's no "conspiracy" here.

Tone It Down - When ballers and rappers are facing legal issues, they usually cut their cornows off, leave the ice at home, and start wearing Brooks Brothers. This effectively "softens their image" and makes them somewhat more of a sympathetic figure. Stop rollin' into church wearing floor length cream colored tunics! And please, for the love of all things precious, take that effin' rug off your head for Crissakes. You aren't foolin' anybody, we know you had that Jheri Curled Mickey Mouse jawn just last year. No 57-year old man suddenly grows back a head full of curly hair after a lifetime of male pattern baldness. Cut it out!

I'm not sayin' Eddie Long will beat them charges like Rocky if he follows my advice word for word, but it can't hurt. The longer Long allows the rumors and innuendo to build without speaking up, the worse this situation gets.

Question: What unsolicited advice would you give Eddie Long right now? What did you think of his sermon?

[1] N*gga Please.

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