Friday, April 23, 2010
First of all, why does this have to be introduced as a "faceoff"? I don't watch ABC News, so maybe this is simply the name of a recurring segment, but anytime you introduce a story about relationships as a "faceoff", you're already pitting both sexes against each other, and ensuring there's no resolution coming. Seriously, the men and women are even seated on opposite sides of the stage. Why? What is this, 300?
Come on now: there is no way Jacque Reid has any problem getting a man!!! That's some bullsh*t, plain and simple. If nothing else, Jacque Reid needs to perhaps stop looking for another Boris Kodjoe, quit being so damn picky, and relax her standards just a wee bit.
If you've got an hour to burn, there's far more of this groundbreaking exercise in Black community healing to be seen here. If you don't, don't worry, I'm sure you aren't missing anything you haven't already heard somewhere else. Sure, it's sorta entertaining, but ultimately it's pointless.
Ladies, if you're taking relationship advice from a bunch of guys who've been married multiple times (Harvey and Izrael) or never even married once (Hill Harper), you're going to stay losing. Period. These guys are here to sell books, not actually help you. Not that there's anything wrong with selling books.
I'll save ya'll some time and money. I've been happily married to a beautiful black woman for nearly a decade now. I am no genius, but I have a Masters degree in common sense, and I know that of which I speak.
Here's all the advice you'll ever need to know to get yourself ringed up...
Keep Your Cookies! - Don't give it up so easily. Even better, make the man wait and don't give it up at all. Sounds crazy I bet, but where has giving it up ever gotten you? If the answer to that last question is pumped and dumped, then you need to strongly consider shutting it down. Pursuit is good.
Take Care Of Your Body - Men are visual. This is an indisputable fact. No, every woman isn't a size 2, but do the best you can. A woman who works out, no matter what size she is, is always attractive.
Keep It Movin' - Any man you've been with for more than two years that hasn't yet committed is not going to. He still thinks he can do better than you. Period. Cut bait and move on with your life.
Take Care Of Your Money - Just like you want a man who "brings something to the table", no man wants a broke or deep-in-debt woman.
Be Realistic - There aren't enough Denzels to go around, and dudes like that are usually man whores anyway. That sorta boring, sorta okay-looking dude in accounting might just be the one, but you wouldn't know it if you never give him the time of day.
Take Care Of Your Mind - No man worth having wants a dumb chick. Be able to talk about something other than your hair and clothes. Read a real book, a magazine other than Essence, and any blog not named SandraRose. Might I recommend a fine site called AverageBro.com.
Be Open To Other Types Of Men - Brothers from Africa, the Caribbean etc. might not fit your desired stylistic check-list, but don't rule them out. If you wanna get your swirl-on, and are are secure enough to deal with the occasional side-eye, go for it. Just be aware that white men are still men too. Crossing the aisle isn't going to solve all your problems, merely give you a bigger pool of potential solutions.
Stop Being So Thirsty - A man can smell a desperate woman a mile away. Don't be that chick.
Stop Being Captain-Save-A-Bro - Ladies, you can't "make" a man be worth sh*t. A thug is gonna stay thuggin'. A lazy dude is gonna stay lazy. You can't "upgrade" or "fix" a man. Relationships tools aren't found at Home Depot. If you can't accept a man for who he is right now, not what you think you can eventually make him, you probably should keep it movin'.
Make Yourself Available - If you live in Montana and work 7 days a week, you prolly aren't going to find a black man. Move somewhere where the numbers are more in your favor. And you also won't find one sitting at home every Friday night with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Get out the house. Find places where men are, and go there.
Never Say Never - Sure, the guy might be a few inches shorter than you'd prefer, and a few pounds more than you'd like. But open your 3rd eye and quit focusing entirely on outward appearance. That sort of superficiality is ok for men, but if you're a woman, not so much.
Stop Chasin' Ballers - There's nothing the average working stiff hates more than some girl who knows every Redskin on a first name basis. Newsflash! - These sorta guys don't exactly make for the best mates longterm. And no future suitor wants to know about that time you hooked up with Lebron.
Stop Sharing - That "any part of a man is better than no part" bullsh*t is why our parents' generation was so jacked up. Have some standards. You are too good to be some man's jumpoff. Learn to be content being alone.
Be Content - Reality is, if you've still gotta have a black man, at some point, you're might could end up losing. This is just based on sheer numbers alone. Accept this. Being alone is not a death sentence.
In meantime, quit watching shows like this that only make you feel more and more like its impossible to find love. Instead, spend some time around successful black couples. Talk to them and figure out how they make it happen. If you don't know anybody in a successful relationship, might I recommend the excellent documentary You Saved Me.
Question: Assuming you're married, do you have any advice for single ladies looking for a man? If you're single, tell me where my advice falls flat. Ladies, if I'm completely sexist and full of sh*t, feel free to tell me why.