Sunday, June 28, 2009 LiveBlogs The BET Awards - Hour Two.

Read chronologically from bottom to top. Updates happen whenever I get a free moment.

Just in case you're curious. AB - Me, AS - My Wife AOB - My Oldest Brother, AMB - My Middle Brother, AA - My Aunt, ASL - My Sister In Law, ABL - My Brother In Law.


{Jay-Z performance}

AS - I hate this song.

AMB - Wack song.

AB - I like the track, but he's saying absolutely NOTHING!

AOB - He needs a guest surprise appearance.

AB - Jay-Z without features is boring.

AOB - Lil' Wayne is closing the show.


{Beyonce wins her obligatory "thanks for gracing us with your presence award}

AB - I bit this is just killin' Keri Hilson.

AS - She runs the game!


{The first black mayor of Philadelphia, MS is trotted out. Clearly the higher ups at BET are doing some atonement. I suppose it's good to have these "positive images" on the TV, but how many minutes before the next Coon Moment? I say 5 minutes.}


{The hoodrat portion of the show begins.}

AB - This song puts me to sleep.

AOB - Monica is going to try and show up Keyshia Cole. She's using Keyshia to try and come back.

AS - They have no chemistry.

AB - Zzzzzzzzz.

AA - Which one is Keyshia?

{the camera pans directly under Keyshia Cole's butt.}

AS - Monica' outfit looks too masculine. She's showing off.

AB - They're trying to outsing each other.


AOB - Ciara can't sing. This is bad.

ABL - Terrible.

AOB - You got to know your limitations.

AB - Beyonce is clowning her.


Note to Kenyon Martin: before you tattoo your girlfriend's lips on your neck, you might wanna Google the term "Trina Luke's Freakshow".


{Keith Sweat comes out to perform. The house spontaneously combusts!}

AB - This is real music.

AS - This was my album.

AB - Damian Hall still has no talent.

{Guy comes out!}

AB - Aaron Hall is out of witness protection.

ABL - R. Kelly let him out.

{BBD comes out! AverageFamily sing-a-thon and dance-off.}

AB - Highlight of the night. It's all downhill from here.

AS - Yep.


{Jamie Foxx and NeYo perform for the 197th time of the night. An overzealous background dancer in a too-small outfit tries up upstage the performers and nearly has a wardrobe malfunction.}

AOB/AMB/AS - Whoa!


{Taraji P. Henson wins an award}

AS - Go head' girl! Southeast DC represent!

ASL - That is a great dress.

AS - She looks hot.


{Mary Mary performance}

AS - Those pants are too much. Bad look.

AB - Latifah.

AS - Actually, the pants look good. Queen looks good too.

AA - I like her hair.


AS - Jamie Foxx' makeup looks terrible.

{Madea proof.}

AS - This isn't funny.

AB - Oh my God, Sheneneh and Wanda, the motion picture?

AS - This isn't a real movie is it?

AB - Jesus, no!

AOB - Wow.

AMB - Wow.

AB -!?! The website isn't real, but that promo was too long for a joke. Somebody please tell me that wasn't real.


{Beyonce performance.}

AB - Take that Keri Hilson.

ABL - What is this song? Is this Mike?

AMB - She got a body like Eartha Kitt.

AOB - She got a nice little...

ABL - Everything.

AS - CAMELTOE!!! A chink in the armor!


ABL - Pan down.

AS - That ain't pannin' back.

AA - This performance is strange.

AS - Her hair is bad, the song is stupid. This is bad. She stunk the joint up.

ASL - What did I miss?

AS - Nothing.

AA - This is Ava Maria. It's a tribute to Michael.

AB - It sucks.

AS - This is one long song.

AOB - Cameltoe!

AS - Cameltoe is in!

AOB - Dinosaurtoe! She grew a fossil in there.

AS - Somebody made her do this. That wasn't her idea.

AOB - Nobody is standing up.

AS - It's finally over.

AB - Dinosaurtoe, FTW!


{The "Three Doctors" are introduced. Clearly someone is feeling guilty about all the coonin'. A debate over the sincerity of BET including this ensues.}

AA - Tyra is going to try and get one of them.

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