Thursday, March 19, 2009

I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller.

Tell me ya'll remember this corny a$$ed 90's song.[1]

[Song removed due to SeeqPod issues]

Despite the title of this post, I don't actually wish I was a little bit taller. I'm 5-11 1/2, which is just fine by me. I do however wish there were some minor, but niggling, things I could do better/change about myself. Don't we all?

I'm 35 now, and consider myself a fairly confident guy, as if you couldn't tell by my writing voice. I'm well aware of my strengths, and my areas where I'm lacking. This understanding comes with time. When we're young, we truly believe we can do and be anything we want to. We don't realize our natural limitations until life doles us various disappointments that make them impossible to overlook. We're cut from the high school basketball team, because we're too slow defending the pick-and-roll. We stand in line for 14 hours auditioning for American Idol, only to get clowned by Simon and Paula. We try Open Mic at the local comedy club, only to find out we're not nearly as funny as our friends tell us we are. We hit Amateur Night at The Foxxy Lady, only to find out that swangin' on a pole ain't as easy as it looked in that "Coochie' Poppin On A Handstand" video. Not that I'd personally know that last one of course.

Eventually real life sets in, we accept our God-given talents and rejoice in them, while more or less forgetting about the stuff we're not so good at. It's called self-awareness, and it's not a bad thing.

But let's face it, everyone, if given three wishes, prolly has some talent deficiency that they'd like to address. And I'm no different. If I had three wishes, here's what I'd like to be able to do.

1) Sangin' and Playin' Piano - I mean, come on, who wouldn't wanna be able to do this?!?

Dude is both sangin', and playin' the hell outta the piano simultaneously. Who wouldn't want the ability to have ladies melt hang onto your every word? I've always contended that singing is a somewhat overrated talent. Every church has some twentysomething chick that could put Beyonce to shame. But sangin', mixed with the ability to play an actual instrument (ie: not ProTools) is a pretty dangerous combo. I sure hope that didn't count for two wishes. Yep, I'm jealous.

2) Doing Complex Dances - Growing up, I wanted to be a backup hip-hop dancer. If you missed The Golden Age (87-91) of hip-hop, backup dancers were the pair of dudes (and sometimes ladies) that every rapper had behind them when they performed. This was done with an awareness that without some other onstage diversion, rap performances were little more than a guy pacing back and forth with a DJ standing behind him (see: EPMD) spinning a record. Heavy D had G-Wiz and Trouble T-Roy (R.I.P.). Queen Latifah had The Safari Sistas. But no dudes were iller than Big Daddy Kane's weedcarriers, Scoob Lover and Scrap Lover.

My cousin Nell and I thought we were Scoob Lover and Scrap Lover. We got the hightop fades, the ill fitting suits, and spent hour upon weekend hour practicing the dance routines. Alas, we never made it to our desired profession, because by the mid-90's, the "attention whore hypeman and 20 random hood n*ggas standing behind you mean muggin'" model of posse deployment was en vogue.

Zzzzzz. Unlike the old school, today's dances are usually tie-ins to some ignoramus LCD rap song, and for some odd reason, too damn difficult for a middle-aged dude like me to figure out. I mean, come on, I watched this damn "Stanky Leg" video for about a half hour on DVR the other day and I still can't get it down.

This stuff is too hard. Bring back Scoob and Scrap!!!

3) Dunking Viciously. - Seriously, could you imagine how huge your ego would be if you could pull this off?

Cotdang! Except for the whole teabagging thing at the apex of the dunk, who wouldn't want hops like Vinsanity? Only 3-4 folks in the entire world could do that.

Question: If you had three wishes, what talents would you like to magically acquire? Note, I am NOT talking about unattainable SuperPowers, I'm talking about stuff that real human beings can actually pull off.

[1] BTW, Universal Music Group can go play in traffic with that BS no-embed policy. Litigious A-holes. If you wanna see the actual Skee-Lo video, catch it here on YouTube.

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