It was quite by accident that I fell in love with a Chinese-American man. For years, I'd said that I "...liked my men like my coffee -- black." My (mostly white) friends would roll their eyes, sigh, and admonish me that if I'd only be more open-minded, maybe I wouldn't be single.
I, however, wasn't interested in being open-minded. After junior-high and high school in suburban southern Indiana and four years at a majority white, private university, I had had enough experience being passed over by white guys. I'd been single all through high school. My first kiss was with the first (and only) white guy I've dated - an ill-fated relationship with a Jewish Texan whose family was cool with me being a shiksa, but not so much with my mocha colored skin. Or, at least that's what he told me. Plus, how complicated would an interracial relationship be? My goodness, I'd have to explain my hair (!) to him. And I was finally starting to be accepting of my own blackness thanks to moving to D.C. - how could anyone who wasn't black understand my newly developed militantness.
So for the rest of college and the beginning of my twenties, I sang the single black woman blues. I was a voracious reader of all the details about black women being single forever. I occasionally dated (using the term very loosely) the worst guys and tolerated all kinds of nonsense because they were black. And because "the media" (both black and white) had told me that I couldn't possibly expect more in a relationship...
...and I want to interrupt this paragraph to say that this article is not going to be about me dating outside my race because there's something wrong with black men. KEEP READING...
...and if I did, then I was going to be alone for the REST OF MY LIFE. So in between reading apocalyptic tales of permanent singledom and dating the wrong guys, I remained steadfast that I could and would someday find the perfect black man because that was my duty as a successful black woman. In fact, it was my responsibility to make sure that I eventually became part of a successful black couple to prove the world wrong about black men being everything they supposedly are and about black women being everything we supposedly are.
So how did I accidentally start dating a Chinese guy? Well, all I can say is that on that night in July when we met, I magically stopped thinking about the fact that he wasn't black, and was more concerned by how great he was.
We ended up talking for hours, both the night we met and then over the next few weeks. As culturally conflicted, yet militantly black as I am, he is with his Chinese culture. Yes, my afro and it's daily changes of behavior do require the occasional conversation, but it's not nearly as complicated as I thought it would be (of course, he hasn't seen me with my hair tied up and in rollers yet).
In fact, the interracial/intercultural part of our relationship is not nearly as complicated as I would have thought it to be. Yes - there have been a few hiccups and nervous moments. Him telling his Hong Kong-born mom about me. Me meeting his mom and realizing that when nervous, she's less comfortable speaking English. Me meeting the rest of his family at Thanksgiving. Him meeting my Bible-study group. But at the same time, I'm sure some of these things (family, religion) are complicated in any relationship.
And I've found that some things are true regardless of race or culture: I won his mom over by going shopping together on the day after Thanksgiving. I impressed the rest of the family by cooking pies for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've knitted his mother a scarf. All things I know any black mother would be impressed by, as well.
As for the rest of the world, the reaction is mixed. Mostly, there's no reaction. There are the occasional stares. Usually from older black or Asian women. Worse though, are the people who feel the need to patronize us by commenting on our Benetton-ad cuteness. Yes, we are a phenomenally cute couple. But we are neither puppies nor babies, so why do strangers (strangers!) feel the need to comment (to our faces) about our cuteness. There have been a few quizzical looks and even fewer glares - particularly when we were in DC for the Inauguration. Maybe it's just that we're in the Bay Area, but most people don't seem to care.
Which is good, because I don't really care if they care. What they think, say, or do really doesn't matter. What matters is that we're happy. And I have to say that this has been a great "accident."
Question: Will black women in interracial relationships ever stop being an anomaly? Have you ever been in an interracial relationship? Have you had any interesting reactions to it?
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I don't think that black women in interracial relationships will ever stop being an anomaly, but also don't think it really matters that much either. I come from what could possibly be the most ignorant Southerners on the planet, but that's not an issue we have problems with at Thanksgiving. Let me rephrase, that's not something that gets a big deal made of it, provided the newcomer is cool. For us that seems to be less about race and more about the new person's willingness to accept our craziness. For us I think the only problems arise when the new person does something to anger someone else in the family. We love each other harder than any family I've seen but we also fight amongst ourselves with that same passion. So, yeah I really wouldn't mind seeing my cousin's girlfriend get hit by a bus(don't look at me like that our buses don't go that fast and it'd be funny), but that has nothing to do with her being white, it's because of something she said and did, and the way she went about the whole thing.
I use my family as an example because for most people that's where they encounter the major portion of their difficulties. I tend to date interracially as a rule,(not because I hate my brothers, or I like the attention, but because that's my preference right now) and as far as people I'm not related to go, there is a group of people who have something to say, but I really believe those are the same people who would have something to say regardless and who am I if I live my life for those people? My Granny used to tell me that "people will always talk, there's nothing you can do to change that so you just have to live your life to make you happy because those people doing all the talking are doing so because they aren't happy."
Live life to the fullest for the future is scarce...
@ Gracie B
Do you realize you have the "fixin's" for a great play and/or movie?? I'm sure dating the Jewish Texan provided many memorable moments!! The parents could get over you being Goy but not "mocha"--priceless!! And I have seen some beautiful mixed jewish/black babies!!
If you're happy with a Chinese man more power to you! You don't owe anyone an explanation. But you should find humor in the compliments from strangers. Obviously, you strike a chord with them in some way.
My mom dated a black man from DC. She would have married him but he passed from cancer. That took place in the 80's and I will say it was somewhat awkward for me. My grandparents never met him. Granddad was a tad racist. But he was better to me than my own white father and I learned at that time that race is totally irrelevant in a relationship.
Living in the metro area I've seen a ton of mixed couples (especially in Howard County, MD) and it did initially make me look twice--moreso if the female was black and the male was "other".
I've always had the impression black women took great pride in their skin color and they liked their coffee like their men--black!
But, as I've grown older, I've come to see that love is truly color blind.
Hi Gracie. Yes, those "cuteness" comments are totally out of order.
Congrats on finding someone nice.
I have never personally been in an interacial relationship but I do have cousins who have. Matter of fact one of them is in one now. I don't see a problem at all. We love her, she's cool and her and my cousin have the cutest little boy together.
Gracie I hope you and your man (husband right?), are extremely happy together. Nothing wrong with crossing racial lines. That's how most of us got here.
I have never dated outside of black, I'm including all the Islands too cause I've dated some fine Dominican and Puerto Rican sisters, but have a uncle who dates white women exclusively. Never understood it because even as a shorty I realized he was not only dating white women but ugly white women. My cousin, his daughter, has a black mother and I guess that failed relationship turned him off of the sistas cause I ain't never seen him with a black womam. People will always have some smart shit to say about interracial relationships; me personally I say what ever makes you happy.
I have never dated outside of black, I'm including all the Islands too cause I've dated some fine Dominican and Puerto Rican sisters, but have a uncle who dates white women exclusively. Never understood it because even as a shorty I realized he was not only dating white women but ugly white women. My cousin, his daughter, has a black mother and I guess that failed relationship turned him off of the sistas cause I ain't never seen him with a black womam. People will always have some smart shit to say about interracial relationships; me personally I say what ever makes you happy.
I suppose I'm getting a little tired of all the Black women and interracial dating talk all over the internet.
Usually the talk is that we are so pitiful and lonely that we should start considering dating outside our ethnic group if we are ever to have a chance at happiness.
Why is it that when White women, Hispanic women or Jewish women have problems finding someone no one ever suggests dating outside their ethnic group?
If a Black women finds love beyond her ethnic group great for her. But I don't really get all of the dialogue over it.
No offence to the author of this post of course.
@ Monie - I felt the same way. I saw it as an insult because only one of my friends were dating/married to anyone who wasn't their race, so why lecture me when everyone you've dated has been white. By the time I met my boyfriend, they'd given up that I would ever consider dating a non-black guy. So far, I've only heard one "I told you so" to my face.
I think what's interesting is that in the Asian press/blogosphere, there's lots of talk about Asian men "needing" to date out of their race for various reasons (Asian women aren't interested, White men have Asian fetishes...etc). There's an author who for nearly 10 years has said that black women and Asian men should get together because black men and Asian women have "abandoned" us.
@ Gypsy Eyes
Well - his real test will be coming home with me for Memorial Day. I don't think it's possible to warn anyone enough to prepare them for my crazy, loud, mish-mosh of a family. His family has been immensely sweet and welcoming. I've been to Thanksgiving, Chinese New Year, and one other family dinner with them. I think once his mom realized that I know how to cook and can give her a pretty grandchild, she was happy.
"people who feel the need to patronize us by commenting on our Benetton-ad cuteness"
HA, i love this part.
I remember when I was dating this girl that was chinese/white, and I'd also get the same thing. First date, the waitress at the restaurant was like "oh you guys are just so adorable."
My sister is totally in love with the Asian man. I don't have a problem with any man she likes as long as he treats her right.
I've never dated outside of my race, not because of a lack of interest, but I didn't want the drama that would ensue. The South still hasn't embraced that concept of inter-racial dating, at least where I live.
In the end, we are all the same color in the dark, and that's where the most magic happens. :^)
EG
I have no problems with anyone dating outside their race, as previously said as long as the woman is getting treated right.
I think it takes a little maturity to reach the point where stares/glares/smirks/compliments don't bother you.
Dating in your race is no guarantee of peace and happiness.
Congrats to you and the level of acceptance you have acheived, and even more praise for not letting the lack of acceptance influence your decisions.
There are real problems in the world, we need to concentrate on the problems that really matter. If I choose to be involved outside my race (and I have @ present) it's my business, no one else's!!!
No I don't think black women in an interracial relationship will ever stop being an anomaly.
I've honestly never been seriously attracted to men of other races. Luckily, I found a great black man when I was 25 and scooped him up before someone else did.
I do think that sistas do need to look outside their race though, if they feel comfortable with it. It seems like there's a shortage of good black men out there, or so I've heard.
@ Monie I agree on one hand that it is insulting to tell black women to "dine elsehwere", but I think we get pushed in that direction precisely because we are devalued in society at large. I think in a lot of ways we internalize this sense of being on the low-end of the desirability scale. I talk about this idea a little bit on my blog in relation to Gracie B's post. (passingplecker.blogspot.com)
That general impulse to downgrade black women then gets wrapped up into the whole "the black family is dying" meme which then leads to the "there are no black men" meme which feeds nicely into the "you need to 'date out'" meme.
So instead of making the discussion about striving toward creating stable family and healthy functional relationships period, we fall into this ish. I've seen more stable black families in my life than I have of these broken black families the media loves to report on. I think it's not just a "black" problem, I think it's society's problem and I resent the fact that the media and sometimes our own love to turn pathology red, black and green.
The issue I see overall is the problem of people making healthy life choices as a rule. Instead that conversation becomes racialized-obscuring any productive end it could have.
That's why I love Gracie B's story. Ultimately and importantly she found a healthy relationship despite all of the ism and ish society puts on us and that we put on ourselves.
BTW,I didn't mean pushed in the direction of "interracial dating" but I mean pushed into the box of feeling like "dating out" is your lot in life because of the myth that "dating in" hasn't worked out for you.
I may get a lot of flack, but I don't like the whole endagered black man/spinster, bitter black woman storyline.
As I said, the focus should always be on making healthy life choices and not getting caught up on these fictions on either side.
I've never been attracted to anything but Black men. I've gone to school with all different races, attracted all races (especially Italians), but I don't want anything but a Black man. That may change with age, but I doubt it.
As for other Black women, I say date outside your race if that's what you feel you want/need to do... less competition for me :)
@Meesh
Exactly! I always thought that dating out would be giving too much credence to all of those stories. In fact, I really wish all of those myths about the Black spinster would go away. Thanks to them, I had a guy once tell me that "most black women would be grateful to have him because I am black, handsome, educated employed, and don't have kids and never been to jail" when I wasn't behaving the way he thought a properly grateful woman should. I was like: "really? Maybe that's why you're 35, single, and horrible in bed." Yeah, no I didn't say that, but it would have been really cool if I did.
You're really right about it being about what's healthy for you. While we have some interesting cultural differences, my boyfriend "gets" me in a way that no black man I've dated has. I'm not saying that there isn't a black man some where out there who does - but it's kinda too late for him. I'd always assumed that without having the "black" experience, a man wouldn't understand me. But I'm learning that the "human" experience is much bigger and much more important than that.
@ Minnie
I have to say - don't knock it till you try it. Seriously - my "type" was tall, dark, and muscular. My boyfriend is 5'7", definitely not dark, and pudgy.
I say take your business wherever it's appreciated. My husband is Taiwanese and while I will sometimes longingly look at black monoracial couples, I couldn't imagine anything being better than what we have together.
Gracie B,
I've read that article about supposedly why Black women and Asian men should get together. It's written by a white supremacist, Steve Sailer - who certainly does NOT have our interests in mind, and the article is full of holes, factual and logically.
Read a rebuttal of that:
http://www.geocities.com/sailerfraud/ir.html
I don't have anything to add, except to say that if you're in love and it's real, you two will work your way through any awkward moments. I hope your families can respect that and be happy for you both.
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Also, lol@ google ads on the sidebar here... "Need some new FLAVOR in your life? InterracialRomance.com!"
@Gracie B said:
"I'd always assumed that without having the "black" experience, a man wouldn't understand me. But I'm learning that the "human" experience is much bigger and much more important than that."
Amen to that! I thought that way for most of my life too and I'm so glad that I've realized how important a shared humanity is. Especially in the face of so many things that seek to obscure that humanity and keep us all fighting with each other.
As an asian man who is an active reader of the POC blogosphere(and the occasional craigslist rant), I feel like I have a pretty decent grasp on what people are thinking when it comes to Interracial dating. Often times, it seems that Black women and Asian men are lumped into that realm of being "undesirable" or "can't-get-dates-because-of-their-race", either by others or themselves. These writings always seem to irk me the wrong way- regardless of the race or gender of the writer.
your take on this was refreshing because it focuses on not just the issue of race, but the rare moments inwhich we can set race aside and just see people.
>>"I magically stopped thinking about the fact that he wasn't black, and was more concerned by how great he was."
now, i'm not a person that believes a "post-racial america" has come. i'm sure most women who see me will take in my most visually striking characteristic - my race - and make value judgements based upon this undeniable feature of mine. but your article gives me hope; that under the right twist of luck, I CAN have a conversation with a woman without wondering what stereotypes are embedded in her mind.
This may be more of an issue in rural areas than in urban ones. In small town USA interracial relationships are maginified, whereas in the cities "who cares"?
I am a white guy from Maine, where the population ins 96% white, so interacial anything up here usually isn't an option. But to me (after spending 21 years in the military) I really don't care about whether someone is white, black, yellow, red or pink polka dotted.
What matters is whether the two people enjoy each others company and want to be together.
If my two daughters asked me if I care about whether they are dating interracially (they both live in a large metro area outside of Maine), I really don't care - I have asked the following questions:
1. How do you feel about each other?
2. Do you talk?
3. Do you do more than drink, party and go to bed? I'm pretty blunt and I was young during the last century.
4. How does his family treat you?
5. If all those things are good, I don't have a problem.
But I overall I wish you luck and hopefully in the next decades that this isn't as big a deal. If you love each other enjoy your life together, your kids will figure things out for themselves with your help.
@ Minnie
I have to say - don't knock it till you try it. Seriously - my "type" was tall, dark, and muscular. My boyfriend is 5'7", definitely not dark, and pudgy.
Gracie, you're the third Black women that has told me that exact thing. I can do without the tall and muscular, but the Black seems to be non-negotiable.
To Gracie and her Asian Man...
Hooray for you! You've done something that alot of people rarely accomplish. You've allowed yourself to love a person. LOVE him...not his mocha handsome face, or his profession, or his wallet. HIM!
That said, I don't think love is blind, but I sure as hell think it should be color blind. I am so tired of my middle-aged friends bemoaning the fact that they can't find a suitable date...much less husband. The fact is: A significant number of "our men" are incarcerated, on drugs or generally not a good match. That said, stop fighting over the few that are available, and look elsewhere. For me, I don't care about your ethnicity. I do care how you treat your mother. Where you spend your time and how you approach me.
As for your Benetton-cuteness. Embrace it, girlfriend. You're beautiful. See it as a compliment and move on.
BTW, what did YOUR mom think??
I enjoyed reading your perspective Gracie B and I don't see a damn thing wrong with your relationship.
I've dated outside of my race twice, both times with Hispanic men and there is no doubt I'd do it again. It's just that my personal sexual preference is for men with medium to dark brown skin. I've had interest from white men and very light skinned Black, and Hispanic men in the past but I'm stuck with this physical preference I can't (or won't?) shake. The skin has got to be brown for me to get down and that's just how it is.
But if for the next woman, white is alright and yellow is mellow, I think it's perfectly fine! ;-)
**Exactly! I always thought that dating out would be giving too much credence to all of those stories. In fact, I really wish all of those myths about the Black spinster would go away. Thanks to them, I had a guy once tell me that "most black women would be grateful to have him because I am black, handsome, educated employed, and don't have kids and never been to jail" when I wasn't behaving the way he thought a properly grateful woman should. I was like: "really? Maybe that's why you're 35, single, and horrible in bed." Yeah, no I didn't say that, but it would have been really cool if I did.**
Thank you for saying this. I've even gotten that attitude from guys with a kid or two or three or guys who have jobs instead of careers past age 35. Like how dare I not kiss the ground this man walks on and jump when he says jump. Uh, dude? You're the one calling me three times a day after we just met. I have the right to be not that into you.
In fact I think half the guys at my job probably think I'm a lesbian. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Late to comment; the exchange on the HBCU brought me here.
My first husband is white (divorced) our oldest son will be 21 this year. I am of a different generation than you. Imagine how difficult it was then or how difficult it was for Mr/Mrs Loving.
Why is it still that way?
I'm dark skinned, and black men don't seem to appreciate dark skinned smart women. Yeah, I said it out loud. And yes I got the "you sound like a white girl" too.
I think its great your man is Asian, I delight in seeing black women date outside the race. Best of luck to you both.
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