Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The 12th Annual AyBee™ Awards Show.

Last year, we bought you the first 11th Annual Judge Joe Brown "Well Done"/"Do Better" Awards. Due to a contractual disagreement, this show is no longer affiliated with De Judge[1], and the awards themselves are now sponsored by AB.com.

I hate "Top 10" and "Year In Review" type stuff because honestly, who really cares? The year's over, turn the page and whatnot. So instead, I'll present the folks and stories that best (or worst) represented the various "Poppin' Tags" that make up AB.com. As usual, all awards are up for debate, so fire away.

In no particular order, here's the winners of The 2008 AyBee™ Awards...

The Don't Drop The Soap Award : Orenthal James Simpson - You shoulda known better Juice. You beat the rap once, shame on us. You beat the rap twice... well, you don't beat the rap twice, so the cliche doesn't apply. Next time, assuming there is one, you might wanna realize that there's only one Johnny Cochran who can pull a rabbit out of his N-Word hat, and Johnny's in South Heaven right now. Fall back, and don't drop that Lever 2000. Also Considered: William Jefferson, Mark Cuban, Bryant Purvis.

The Politricks As Usual Award : Kwame Kilpatrick - As if Detroiters didn't have enough to worry about with the 0-16 Lions, Kwame managed to make some infamy of his own in 08' by getting himself thrown in the clink. And to think, all of this could have been avoided if he and his Chief Of STAFF had just owned up to their affair instead of trying to cover it up. Voters (and political wives) are amazingly forgiving of extramartial affairs. But you cost taxpayers $9M for your nonnsense, which is just wrong. Also Considered: Jesse Jackson Jr., Rod Blagojevich, Cynthia McKinney.

The Go Sit Down Award : Sarah Palin - For singlehandedly giving Barack Obama a push over the electoral finish line, and setting back the prospect of a female Prez at least 2 cycles, Palin was a shoe-in. If this country has half a brain (and I think it does), we won't ever hear the words "you betcha" uttered on national TV evar again. Also Considered: Ashley Todd, Karrine Steffans, Harriett Christian, NeNe from The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, Lauren London, Geraldine Ferraro.

The Nigga Negro Nonsense Award : Jesse Jackson Sr. - Come on Jesse, I know that watching Obama ascend without having to kiss you ring was tough. But seriously, castration? Also Considered: Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Tavis Smiley, Stephon Marbury.

The KneeGrow Please Award : Yung Berg - In this "post-racial" America, I figured we were long past the whole "lightskinted/darkskinted" thing, but leave it up to a marginally talented rapper like Yung Berg to insult half of black womanhood with his ignant "dark butts" statement. I don't know what's worse: the fact that this asshat still (sorta) has a career, or that NeYo more or less said the same exact thing last week and nobody cared. Let's do better, folks. Also Considered: James T. Harris, Michael Warns, Bishop Thomas Weeks, Michael Steele.

The Keep It In Your Pants Award : John Edwards - Yeah, I know this sounds like Negro Logic, but if you're gonna flush your life down the toilet for some side trim, at least make sure she's worth the trouble. Riehle Hunter? Not exactly "worth the trouble". Also Considered: Antonio Pierce, Eliot Spitzer, Bristol Palin's alleged black baby daddy.

The cRap Music Award : T-Pain - At some point in the Fall, probably after I heard "I Can't Believe It" for the 78th time, I decided to stop hatin' on Teddy Pain and start appreciating the talent. Let's face it, yeah, the vocoder thing is sorta lazy, but you don't show up on 75% of the Top 10 songs in 2008 by being a talentless bum. Sure, he and Akon more or less ruined black music, but you don't make hits by accident. Reality is, while you might not like The Nappy Boy, he's got some skills. They don't happen to be sangin' or rappin'-related skills, but they are skills nonetheless. Also Considered: T-Baby ("It's So Cooold In The D"), Lil' Wayne.

The White Men Gone Wild Award : John McCain - What can you say about Johnny Mac's campaign that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? He won his party's nomination by default. He was erratic and indecisive. He had no answer for the economic crisis. He was helplessly out of touch. And his coup de gras has unthawing Palin. He shoulda just given it to Barack in July and saved us the drama. Worst. Candidate. Evar. Also Considered: Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Rick Davis, Terry McCauliffe.

The What A DoucheBag Award : Joe The Plumber - My favorite white collar whipping boy just couldn't stay away from a TV camera, yet somehow found a way to convince the fine folks at Fox News that he was actually a victim. Now, the unlicensed plumber has a book out. Sounds like spreadin' the wealth to me. Also Considered: Keith Olbermann, Karl Rove, Bill Bennett, Charles Barkley.

The Raise Your Own Damn Kids Award : Zacchia Stratford - In case you forgot, Mrs. Stratford is the grandmother of our favorite Doer Of Hoodrat Things, Latarian Milton. I guess this award is a misnomer since Stratford is actually raising somebody else's damn kid, but seriously, what was up with sending lil' man on Hot97 to get exploited, all in hopes of coppin' a free XBox360? The web videos were enough, but this was the official last straw. Also Considered: Levi Johnston.

The NBA = Nuthin' But Africans Award : Take A Guess. - Come on. You already know. What more do I need to say? Also Considered: Sean Avery, Plaxico Burress, Glen "Big Baby" Davis, Chad Ocho Cinco, Brett Favre, Adam "PacMan" Jones, Ussain Bolt.

The AB.com "Do Better Award" : Robert Sylvester Kelly - Well, pimpin' you beat the rap. I guess all that hush money paid off after all. But for the love of all things beautiful, Black folks, let's leave this man alone to wallow in the misery of what he did. He slept with a 6th grader and videotaped it. That's inexcusable. And if you're thinking about coppin' his next album, 12Play Volume 6: I Beat The Charges!!!, just go stick your head in an oven. Also Considered: Kwame Kilpatrick, Diddy, The US Olympic Track & Field Team.

The AB.com "Well Done" : Barack Obama - Seriously, who did you think was gonna win, Soulja Boy?!? Also Considered: Oprah, Myron Rolle, The Ron Clark Academy Kids.

[1] Old man wanted too many Cyber CapriSuns™. Do better!

blog comments powered by Disqus

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.