Friday, December 12, 2008

Music To Torture To: The Worst Songs Evar.

Before anyone gets all up in arms, this isn't a post about torture, it's a post about very bad "black" music. Spare the comments. Here's some context.
Blaring from a speaker behind a metal grate in his tiny cell in Iraq, the blistering rock from Nine Inch Nails hit Prisoner No. 200343 like a sonic bludgeon.

"Stains like the blood on your teeth," Trent Reznor snarled over distorted guitars. "Bite. Chew."

The auditory assault went on for days, then weeks, then months at the U.S. military detention center in Iraq. Twenty hours a day. AC/DC. Queen. Pantera. The prisoner, military contractor Donald Vance of Chicago, told The Associated Press he was soon suicidal.

The tactic has been common in the U.S. war on terror, with forces systematically using loud music on hundreds of detainees in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay. Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, then the U.S. military commander in Iraq, authorized it on Sept. 14, 2003, "to create fear, disorient ... and prolong capture shock."

Now the detainees aren't the only ones complaining. Musicians are banding together to demand the U.S. military stop using their songs as weapons.

A campaign being launched Wednesday has brought together groups including Massive Attack and musicians such as Tom Morello, who played with Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave and is now on a solo tour. It will feature minutes of silence during concerts and festivals, said Chloe Davies of the British law group Reprieve, which represents dozens of Guantanamo Bay detainees and is organizing the campaign.
I don't approve of using incredibly bad music to softly bludgeon war prisoners, but I think the artists protesting are more upset about their "art" being mocked than the rights of those being abused. However, if they really wanna drive home the point, here's some new songs to add to the playlist. You'll have these folks snitchin' and begging for waterboarding in no time flat.

Master P - "I Really Miss My Homies"

Boy, where do I begin. I could have chosen literally any song from Percy Miller's dicsography, but this is perhaps P's worst song of them all. Yes, it's a heartfelt ode to his deceased brother, but P's Fisher Price "My First Rap Song" flow and the repeated "Unnggghh's" when he has nothing better to say undermine the point. The lousy, tone-deaf interpolation of "Brandy", a song about a dead dog just seals the deal.

Unngghhh indeed.

Somethin' For The People - "My Love Is The Shhhhh"

I can't figure out what I hate most about this song, but was officially the track that made me give up "urban" radio and start listening to the AM dial exclusively. Perhaps it's the "bomb baby" and "downtown" slang that was already long since played out in 1997 or whenever this song dropped. Maybe it was because I liked Trina and Tamara (they were posed' to be the next Zhane) and thought they were above this sorta garbage. And don't get me started on the "step show/ground humpin'" background dancers. Next!

Tag Team - "Whoomp! (There It Is Remix)"

This song actually wasn't all that bad, but the fact that it's still played a decade later at nearly every sporting event I go to makes it triple-lame. And besides, I liked the 95 South bass-music version more anyway. Yeah, it was technically "Whoot!", rather than "Whoomp!", but there was no comparison. Anyone know the back story on this?

Snap - "The Power"

Much like "Whoomp! There It Is", I don't particularly dislike this song for any reason other than it's inexplicable use at sporting events and corporate kickoff meetings decades after it dropped. And oddly, much like "Whoot! There It Is", there was oddly another version of the same song (Chill Rob G's vasty superior "The Power" ) out at the same time. Anyone got the story on this?

Pressha - "Splackavellie"

I can't say I recall this song ever being played on the radio, but the video was in constant rotation when Player's Club (it was on the soundtrack) was in theaters. This is just plain corny, from the baby blue clad background dancers, to the lead singer who looks like some HBCU fullback. And what the f*ck is a "Splackavelli"? I suppose they get some bonus points for putting Mari Morrow in the video, but that only gets you so far with such "LAME" lyrics as "What's my name? Say my name?" Lame.

Nas Ft. QB's Finest - "Oochie Wally"

What can I say about this Nas' abomination that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?[1] How did Nas go from Illmatic to this ode to drug-induced gangbangs? And yeah, Jay-Z was right in "The Takeover". The bodyguard/weedcarrier's verse is better than Nas'.

Smarten Up Nas.

Us3 - "Cantaloop (Flip Fantasia)"

Arggh, just arrggh. The only thing worse that "smooth jazz" is "jazz fusion" crap like this early 90's song. The corny Euro-rapper, the "diddy diddy bop" hook, the ATCQ-ripoff rhyme scheme. I can't go a day without hearing this in the background of some random elevator or doctor's office and it's painful on the ears each time.

Dishonorable Mention: Fantasia - "Baby Mama", TI - "Whatever You Like", T-Pain - "Sprung", Bone Thugs -N- Harmony - "The First Of The Month", Jay-Z - "Beach Chair", anything by Ray-J.

Question: You got any more nominees for "Worst Black Song Evar"?

Blaring Music Used To Abuse War Prisoners [CBS]

[1] Man I miss Chappelle's Show. Chocolate News, go sit down.

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