With the new baby settling in, I find myself taking AverageToddler out for some one-on-one Daddy & Me time even more frequently now than ever before. Again, this isn't anything new, we've always hit the park and playground sans Mommy, but now I find myself taking him virtually everywhere I go, even for routine trips to Home Depot and the grocery store. And no matter where we go together, the same thing inevitably happens.
Someone will size the two of us up from afar, and faster than I can say "you ARE the father!", they'll roll up and drop a familiar compliment on me.
"You're doing such a great job!"The list goes on and on, but at the root seems to be the feeling that a black man taking care of his kids is such a rare occurrence (like I'm some Negro Leprechaun or something) that it deserves public acknowledgement.
"There need to be more of ya'll."
"I'm so glad to see a young man taking care of his kids."
I know my son is cute.[1] He's got chubby Gerber baby cheeks, wide eyes, and a welcoming smile. This undoubtedly catches the eye of others. He's also a natural ham, so when he senses someone looking, he turns on the star power. And I'm also relatively affectionate with my two year old. I hold his hand, sometimes carry, and frequently hug him. I don't hold back in that area. He's my boy, he's even got my name. I love both of my sons. They, and my wife, are essentially what I live for.
Still, the most that people observe is 5-10 seconds of us in a checkout line, which says there's prolly nothing special about our interaction. It's the mere fact that we're together and they happen to catch us in a moment when I'm not having to correct him for something, which seems to happen more than even now that he's two. To lots of people (seriously, this happens every time we go out, it's almost comical) the mere fact that I'm with my kid is somehow enough to deem me worthy of praise.
I have admittedly mixed feelings on this. Yes, I feel like I'm a semi-good Dad.[2] I have my moments where the kids get on my nerves, but I love them of course and try to do my best to raise them the right way. But I don't consider anything I do to be worthy of superlatives. I don't consider any of these compliments patronizing, nor do I consider them even remotely racist. I get them, usually from women, of all ages and races. The black women often make a point of noting how good it is to see a young black man taking care of his kid, but the props are usually universally the same: you're doing a great job by merely showing up.
Some of me wonders if this is just a reflection of the times. Most of the men that I know, black or otherwise, take care of their biz and are good fathers. But I'm smart enough to know my circle of friends doesn't represent all black Dads. Still, should a person get credit for some sh*t they're supposed to do?
Tell em' Chris.
Oddly enough, and yeah, I know I'm contradicting myself here, I find myself giving other black Dads I see out with their kids solo a nod of acknowledgement that prolly conveys the same message. And while I will admit a small part of me smiles inside when I see a nuclear black family out in public, I never have gotten a single compliment when I've been out with AverageSis and the kids. So, it seems like the whole thing is tied directly to the feeling that a black man out by himself taking his kids out by himself is so rare and unique, it has to be acknowledged.
I'm clearly not offended by the compliments, but I will admit I don't know how to otherwise feel about them. What do ya'll think? Is it really that bad out there?
Question: If you're a black father, do you have similar experiences when you take your kids out by yourself? If you're a white dad, does this happen to you to? How does it make you feel? What does my recurring experience say about the state of Black fatherhood?
[1] And no, that's not me in the photo above.
[2] Or a Semi-Good Husband. Please tell me ya'll remember who said this.
Got News? Email AB
The Average FAQ
Just Who Is AB?
Posts
59 AverageComments™:
[2] Or a Semi-Good Husband. Please tell me ya'll remember who said this.
Tyson! Oh, now I have to hunt up the YouTubes of The Chris Rock Show's "Mike Tyson for President" sketches.
I challenge you to take a count of how many black women you see handling business with kids (with or without a wedding ring), versus how many men you see doing the same thing. You may have the answer to your question. If the ratio is not at least 2 to 1 I'll move wherever you live (fantasy black man land).
AB, take a compliment as a compliment, man. Clearly these women can't all be mistaken about your obvious "good dad" qualities, can they? You've earned their esteem through your actions. Be proud and enjoy the accolades!
This phenomenon is also not limited solely to black dads, either. Even many years later, I recall an occasion when a waitress lavished praise upon me because I had brought my toddler daughter with me to breakfast. She told me it was so nice and refreshing to see a father, by himself, taking care of his child while mom was off doing her thing. Like you, I didn't see the big deal, and the praise seemed unnecessary, but I smiled, thanked her, and carried on. Come to think about it now, perhaps she was just greasing the tip wheel a bit. Hmmmm...
I used to spend time with my father when I was young back in the 70's taking me in and out of computer and electronic stores during the dawn of the personal computing age. My dad was wierd and eccentric by many standards but I attribute most of that to his intelligence. In spite of all that he did do the standard "dad" things pretty well. I think its instinct.
I cant remember anyone making a single comment.
Lets wind the clock and statistics foreward a bit shall we?
Back in the late 80's when my girls were young I used to take them everywhere with me. The hair was a nuisance, the company was priceless. People used to complement me frequently on how happy they were, how they seemed to love me and the simple fact that they were with me.
Some of those times I was offended.
My response frequently was "I'm their father. Is there any special reason why they wouldnt be with me?"
I got silence in return, which is what I wanted in the first place. As long as the girls thought I was good to them I didnt need anyone else's approval. I liken spending time with them to getting all the answers right on a test. I'm supposed to. Frankly I found being a dad one of the easier things I have ever done in this life. I love my children so, being with them was never a big deal.
Wind the clock foreward to 2008 and I am guessing that AB and many other dads out there are getting pelted with accolades for doing what they are supposed to be doing. Kudos to AB and the rest, but it seems normal to me.
And now my point.
It cracks me up that alot of sane,
productive black men and women think that everyone is like them when in reality, everyone they know is like them.
I hear it all the time. "I grew up in the hood and Im not F'd up when in reality, everyone *you knew* in the hood was not F'd up.
AB railed on me when I said "getting a woman from the south side doesn't work every time its tried". I'm sure she is a great wife and mother. I can also say with out knowing where she is from she is also a little more rare than we'd like to admit. I am sure everyone *she knows* is ok too. Reality is, as I said before, it doesnt work every time its tried.
People always gravitate towards people who are like them or if they had parents who care, people their parents thought were generally ok as well.
If reality was the way some of *us* eroniously think it is, there would be no need for an "AB Challenge", the killing fields of Atlanta, Washington DC, Detroit, Los Angeles or the entire state of New Jersey would be fallow and I wouldnt have to hunt for minority interns who can work for me.
Reality is, we are a small minority within a minority. The statistics speak for themselves.
AB, Lauren London would not be impressed with you - or me for that matter.
I salute you your young family but seriously, you are alot more rare than you may think you are.
@ Daedalus: I'd forgotten the hair maintenance aspect of taking my daughter anywhere with me when she was younger. On that note, on behalf of dads everywhere, I'd like to thank whomever was responsible for inventing the "scrunchy". Well done!
You also touched on the fact that you don't recall any special attention having been paid to your dad whenever the two of you were in public when you were young. I can second that. My dad took me lots of places, even to work with him on occasion, when I was a kid but no one ever patted him on the back for it. I'm glad he did, though, and I miss those days, and him too.
@boboso On the hair issue, I admit epic failure as a parent. LOL.
@ Daedalus: I know your pain, anguish and shame, my friend. All that's behind me now, though: my hair is most often completely gone (part genetics, part Gillette) and my daughter, now a college sophomore, takes care of her own. Some important things perhaps never change, though. During a rare opportunity I enjoyed to spend a few hours with her last month, I noticed she was still utilizing the "scrunchy" method of hair management.
I applaud all dads that take the time to interact and take their children with them where ever they go.
I always went with my Dad even though I had a brother and two more sisters. As a little girl nothing ever crossed my mind that this was special or unique.
Once I had my own daughters I remember their father taking them with him sometimes but more times than not it was after requesting that he do so.
There's one of the big differences IMO, mother's take children with them more out of second nature, no matter where there going or what they may be doing.
Some dads appear to be doing a great job- they are very involved in the lives of their children from all aspects. In our communities I think we're lacking involvement, consistency and praise for the dads that are doing what they should be doing anyway.
It's varied, but as a white guy I get the compliments too, and give the nod to other dads I see. Sometimes I'm surprised when I get no acknowledgment. 'What, my kid isn't cute enough for you!?'
A lot may depend on charisma of the dad- I imagine you exude a lot AB- so people will approach you. If you look harried and that you might smack your kid at any point (as I sometimes look) you prolly won't get a lot of love.
If you have to question it, then unfortunately you have your answer. But let's put it this way. Black Fathers aren't rare...Black Dad's or Daddy's are. Any man as long as he can "make em swim and hit target" can be a father. It takes a lot to be a Dad (and to those men who think just passing a check makes you one, wrong). Being a dad means dealing with emotions, wanting better for your child, spending quality time, helping to evolve the child into the man or woman that you want them to become.
Unfortunately in this day in age you have a lot more babies raising raising babies, if the parents are even raising them. I work with youth and I had the "honor" of hearing one of the males kind of complain how he had to watch his daughter the whole weekend. Like it was the last thing he really wanted to do. *Sigh*
Take it as a compliment when you get it. Lord knows many of our black men don't get the compliments they deserve.
yes, it is that rare. i can count on one hand the number of times i see a black man out with his kids versus the number of times i see single moms.
My boyfriend gets the same thing when he takes out our son. He rarely takes him out alone since he's still breastfed, but they were alone together during the summer when my BF was off (he's a teacher). I think more than a black thing, it's a father thing. I saw three dads and their children at a restaurant and thought it was the cutest thing. Unfortunately, there are not that make fathers that take their kids out alone, so when it occurs, it elicits comments from strangers (myself included, although I would not commend you for doing what you should be doing). Take it in stride, and be proud.
This whole topic makes me feel sad. I don't have any kids yet, and my wife wants one so bad. It's killer, because everyone around my wife is having babies (her sister is, her cousin WAS before she recently miscarried).
*sigh* Man, I feel like crap.
But my dad and I spent time together, whether it was fishing or working on the car. His main example as a dad to me was going into work everyday for 31 years. He rarely missed a day, and he only did if he was sickly near being hospitalized.
I'm blessed to have my pop still with me. Now that I'm older, I appreciate him even more. I just want to give him a grandchild before he gets on that Glory Train.
EG
AverageBro- I think you made the point that I'm about to expound upon. You admitted that you've never spent this much time with your oldest child and that the hours you're logging with him now are only adding up because your wife now has a baby to tend to. I think this is common for fathers and I don't think it's an issue of race or marital status. The simple fact is, on a whole, kids spend more time with moms than dads. I work full-time but still take my kids to the grocery store, and on errands on a regular basis. My husband just manages to leave the house to run his errands, etc without the kids going with him. The only time our kids go with him to the store or other errand of necessity is when he had to pick them up from school (only because I couldn't that day) or when they were already out doing something recreational. So yes, it is a rare event when I see men with their kids in the grocery store and I always think to myself that I hope their mom is at home relaxing and that this dad stepped up so she could have some time to herself. And not just because she's still at work or out of town.
@ Mom
I need to correct something quickly...
admitted that you've never spent this much time with your oldest child and that the hours you're logging with him now are only adding up because your wife now has a baby to tend to.
That was a misread/statement. I was simply saying that now with the new baby, I'm intentionally spending ever MORE time solo with my son that ever before because I want to be sure he gets the extra attention. I hope that didn't get lost in the shuffle.
I'll touch on the rest later.
@mom;
I agree. I think we as women in some cases just allow this to happen. I have five daughters, (three grown now), and I know I just let my ex get away with it. I remember, too many times in fact, when I actually asked their dad to watch them when I had something to do...why in the Hell did I ever set that pattern? I don't know.
Any dad that is willingly doing whats right- more power to you.
Any mom that wants more help from the dad, ask now.
Hey AB, I have to agree with you and daedalus. You should just take it as someone trying to say something nice because truly that's something you are SUPPOSED to do.
And to daedalus's point you are going to see a lot of "Good dads" because you're a good dad. You're going to hang around other good dads.
However for you, sir, being a good dad is not good enough for AverageToddler and AverageBaby. You have to be GREAT. In this category you are not Average; you're great. And that's not a compliment, it's a reality.
It's similar to when an A student produces A's on their report card. You expect it. Not that the accomplishment shouldn't be applauded but I expect you to make A's. So in the same context I would expect AverageBro to be GreatDad.
@cinco and @MOM
I agree and disagree. Most children, especially young children, are with their mothers mainly because of "Mother's Love". It's the nurturing that kids need. (This is not to say that Dads don't nurture also). Dads tend to be more about discipline and protection.
Plus you probably don't want men going too many places with children because men don't multitask as well as women. When we get focused on something other things tend to go by the wayside. Can you imagine a man in Home Depot with a 4 and a 2 year old trying to find screws for the new entertainment center that he messed up because he was supposed to put piece "C" with piece "F" but instead he put piece "C" with piece "G".
@MOM
Now I don't know you or your husband but I'm going to defend him. You don't have have the stress that he has. See all you got to do is what you do. The weight of the family is no on your shoulders. Just like if dishwasher goes out.....you ain't gotta fix it. Something go wrong with the car....you ain't gotta fix it. All you know is you put the key in the car and it works. The Man got stresses!
At risk of being a broken record I agree with previous posters. I guess seeing a father out doing what he's supposed to is so refreshing since we always see fathers running away from that responsibility.
@ daedalus and boboso
My father was not all that great with my hair either. Yall are not alone. When I was little I spent a lot of time with my dad. I loved it! Company softball games, random football games, when he went to play basketball with his coworkers/friends (I learned what a urinal looked like at age 4, something I really didn't need to know then LOL but he couldn't go in the women's bathroom so I managed), park, store, you name it I was with him. It was a mixture of he and my mom tagging to go to work and him just spending time with me. I really miss that and I see that in my fiancé and his 2 kids. It is something that should be expected. But unfortunately there are men donating their sperm either intentionally or not and having children they don't want or even need at this time. I feel sorry for those children.
@cjames
About that multitasking, if you ain't telling nothing but the truth! My fiancé be FOCUSED! Like there's nothing else going on around him. Poor thang LOL. It's like we're (women) genetically wired to always hear a cry or bump or something that might be dangerous.
@ cinco- THANK YOU!!!! This is exactly what has transpired in my home. I have ALLOWED my husband to get away with it. I have to create opportunities for him to step up to the plate.
@ AverageBro- That is noble. But my point remains- the only reason you have stepped up your game to spend MORE!!! time with your toddler is out of necessity- because your wife just had a baby. Sorry but you said it, I didn't.
@Cjames- I must make myself believe that you are just trying to be funny or intentionally trying to start some stuff up in here. Because your comments make me sad for your partner/ wife and your employer re: your inability to multitask.
@ cjames- let me stop you right there- a father's role is to love and nurture as well. if there were more loving and nurturing fathers in our communities, the teen pregnancy rate would plummet. you're spouting off excuses. and perpetuating dangerous gender stereotypes. if the car is broken, my husband or I call a mechanic. if it's the dishwasher, we call the plumber/ electrician. but furthermore, if fixing a sink or tuning up a car is what you define as a stressful event in your life, please let me know what planet you're living on. down here on earth, we have much bigger fish to fry.
@cjames;
Unfortunately too many men aren't able to multitask.
As I mother I remember the days/nights of working full time, being a taxi cab, school conferences, cooking meals,losing sleep because a little one was ill, doctor's appointments, church, etc...
Sometimes I wonder how I found time to eat, bathe and sleep myself!
But it's not too late for some men to learn...train them up in the way you want them to be. (Dads in this case.) I believe some men don't do these things because they don't have to! So they get away with being a non participating parent because they can.
Good points, y'all. CJames, I don't know what you're smokin' but pass already cuz yo stuff must be that ooohweee! I am a daddy's girl from way back. A good dad is the difference between Michelle Obama and Karine Steffans (aka Super Head)! Working in the school system a while back, you could absolutely tell the difference between kids with no man in the home and kids with an involved dad. 9 year old humpin the ground? No daddy there. Threaten to call home and the kid goes, "I wish you would"? Nope, no daddy in sight. The list is endless.
And, unfortunately AB, it is rather rare to see a man who enthusiastically takes his kids out by himself. Shoot - I've seen men argue their kid's mom down to the bone about taking them for a weekend, or even just one day. They see their own kids as booty blockers and not gifts. Tragic.
I've got three kids, ages 12, 10, 8... they've always gone with me everywhere - I have to duck out with little warning or announcement if I want to go to the store by myself!
Anyhow, people don't stop me to comment, but they might look approvingly... I never notice, because I'm too busy trying to keep track of them and still remember everything on that list I told my wife I didn't need to write down.
;)
@deedee
I am agreeing with you. Fathers are supposed to nurture also. There is a mother's love that shouldn't compete with the nurture that a child recieves from the father. Having said that the Father's main task in the child's development is not nurture, it's discipline.
Let's get this straight, mother and father have a part in nurture, discipline, teaching, etc. But on generally one parent provides on thing and the other parent provides the other. AND it doesn't always have to be that way but normally it is the case. When I grew up, the most feared words that came out of my mother's mouth was, "I'ma tell your daddy!" I would rather my momma kicked me in the back than to tell my daddy.
The "stresses" that I mentioned were minor. But men have stresses that you don't even think about. Put it this way, if my family loses our house for whatever reason, that's on me....not my wife.
i understand what you mean in a biblical sense- in terms of the man being the provider. and i might agree with you as that relates to families where the wife stays at home and brings in no income. but it's not that way in our home. i bring in a substantial amt of income so if we go into foreclosure it's on me, too. therefore, i feel a great deal of stress having to make sure i'm performing well on the job, etc. so when you're talking about 2-income families, i can't agree with you that the man has more stress than the woman. i think many working women out there feel the same way.
and to your point about the "nurturing"- i would be hard pressed to define "going to the grocery store" (the original topic here) as a nurturing event. especially when it often time ends in moms wanting to beat their kids silly after they have stood up in the cart, begged for candy or knocked down a display- LOL!!
@cinco
I really don't think that it's non participation. It's not what the fathers think they are supposed to do. They are out of tune.
That's the woman's fault though. Sorry to say it like that but it is. And I say it's your fault (not yours specifically but women in general) because you failed to see throught the BULL SHIGGIDDY before the event happened.
So as you say, "I wish more men could multitask", generally the condition exists WAAAY before you notice. So if he wasn't multitasking before you had kids, why would you think he could multitask after you had kids. And you may say "I didn't know he would be lazy as hell when we had kids." Maybe you didn't look, or even know to look.
Now, having all that I think we both can agree some men are just sorry as hell. nothing can be done about that.
I admit to being very happy on the rare occasion I see a nuclear black family in public. Which, I suppose, is not such a great thing.
Daedalus, if your bleak analysis is correct, my question is how exactly did this come about? I've heard that until the around the late '60s, the state of the black family was nowhere near what it is now. I don't know if this is a romanticization of the past or if it is basically accurate.
@deedee
In this scenario, on paper, yes both are responsible. But in the court of public opinion it's the husbands responsiblity.
It's kind of similar to when a football team loses (kind of like the Eagles did last night) or has a losing season, the coach or quarterback tend to take the blame for the losses. Even though the team loss together there's an inheirit blame that goes to the coach or quarterback.
Whether right or wrong....that's the way it is.
@ cjames/deedee
In this scenario, on paper, yes both are responsible. But in the court of public opinion it's the husbands responsiblity.
I hate to say this deedee, but I totally agree. This is the realist sh*t I never wrote. The man is ALWAYS going to be blamed to the demise of a family. Always.
Seriously, when a marriage breaks up, how many times have you heard the wife blamed? Never.
The truth is, men do bear much of the stress for the brunt of the criticim when stuff goes to sh*t. That said, I suppose I should enjoy my roses (the compliments) and stop complaining while I'm ahead.
@ daedalus
I do more or less agree with your "everybody I know is a certain way" point. But I did very clearly note that I don't think my circle represents the entire universe.
Some of me wonders if this is just a reflection of the times. Most of the men that I know, black or otherwise, take care of their biz and are good fathers. But I'm smart enough to know my circle of friends doesn't represent all black Dads.
I'm just sayin', I ain't that naive.
@lil't
That's a bad example. Super head and Michelle Obama are both at the top of there careers. I mean Super Head might be suckin d*cks but at least she's one of the best at it. Give her a break.
AND I'm sure there are other instances where Barack has uttered the phrase "Yes, we can" outside of the political arena....if you know what I mean.
Seriously though, I think that daedalus hit it on the head when he said people tend to attract other people who are just like them. So if the Father is sorry as hell, chances are the mother is probably sorry too.
@lil't
That's a bad example. Super head and Michelle Obama are both at the top of there careers. I mean Super Head might be suckin d*cks but at least she's one of the best at it. Give her a break.
AND I'm sure there are other instances where Barack has uttered the phrase "Yes, we can" outside of the political arena....if you know what I mean.
Seriously though, I think that daedalus hit it on the head when he said people tend to attract other people who are just like them. So if the Father is sorry as hell, chances are the mother is probably sorry too.
Hello there!
Yes, it is PATHETIC but there are 70% of black children who are growing up without a father in the home... so YES... it is rare for a father to be living in the home with his own children, caring for them on a daily basis.
That 70% figure is nothing to gloss over.
{shaking my head}
There are black women who will say "my children's fathers are in their lives!"... excuse me...children's fathers?!! That means being pregnant out of wedlock more than one time....everyone can make a mistake...but repeatedly continuing the same behavior....
Being in your child's life AS an occassionall visitor is not the same as being a real parent.
Yes... it is RARE to see full-time parents. Rare. And sad that it is rare.
{shaking my head}
Lisa
@Lisa
PREACH! Tell 'em how you really feel.
That 70% number though, I am starting to question that statistic. But %1 out of wedlock is too many.
@ cjames/lisa
I'm leery of that 70% number too. I've heard numbers as low as 60% and as high as 75%.
Either way, we can agree that the number isn't good, but it's still just a stat.
Nearly 50% of black families DO have a Dad in the household. So, maybe folks aren't getting married (immediately), but they are co-habitating.
On a related note: just because you aren't married (which is optimal in my view, but ain't the only way) doesn't mean the child is damned to failure and the Dad is a deadbeat jerk. In my years of coaching I've met dozens of single (or divorced) Dads who handle their business, and lots of married Dads (and Moms for that matter) who use me as babysitting.
Point being: stats may be harrowing, but they don't always tell the whole story.
guys- that's all well and good but it doesn't negate the fact that working women are STRESSED OUT!! this debate got started when cjames said men have more stress. just bc you think society will ultimately blame you doesn't mean you endure more stress. you're talking about something that may or may not happen down the road. i'm talking about everyday tasks that are GUARANTEED to pop off. well, ta-ta for now guys, i must go proofread a contract, prepare for a meeting, pick up my son from school, swing by the drycleaners, cook dinner, give a bath and read three bedtime stories in the next 3hours. and you wonder why football players always say "hi mom" into the camera- LOL!!
forgot to add- i'd venture to say that the stress of properly mothering a child matches if not trumps the stress of financially holding down a family. poor mothering (not parenting) is usually to blame for bad kids/ kids who aren't doing well in school/ ungrateful kids/ unhealthy kids/ kids with poor hygeine. keeping a child out of one of these categories, let alone all, is a tremendous responsibility and source of stress for mothers.
Ok, I've kept my piehole shut 'til now. I appreciate many of the comments. This is a learning experience for me as I have no children after 15 years of marriage (by choice). What I will say is that I don't see this as a "race" issue, per say. I see it more of a "class" issue. Why should deadbeat parents be limited to a race. I think many times it's based on cultural upbringing--which means class is a huge factor.
@deedee
You go!
@cjames
I don't think marital status should necessarily be a primary factor when considering parenthood. If an individual makes a choice to have a child and raise a child then I don't think marriage to the biological parent is mandatory.
Just a thought.
As I've said here many times - 1) I'm white and 2) no group is monolithic. That said, this discussion of black fathers dovetails with a conversation I had recently with an African American female friend (name's Kim. for brevity). We were talking about our Ca. prop. 8, a gay marriage ban which passed -- to my surprise. It's passage has been widely "blamed" on black voters who, reportedly, favor a gay-marriage ban (!). Seems unintuitive, or not...?
So, I was chatting with Kim about this. For reference: she's educated, successful, progressive, thinks gay marriage is a fine idea. She said, among many things -- and this may be controversial -- she thinks a lot of the "trouble" with the black community, including black nuclear families and black dads, comes down to problems with views of women and machismo for lack of better term.
...and (here's where I'll likely put my foot in it) she blames what she called the dominant "conservative black church" Again, for reference, she's more a Buddhist than anything.
Kim truly believes that the way black women are viewed/treated in parts of their community is about "where white women and men were about 20 year ago". Black women's success in school and career overall exceeding that of black men who, in turn, hate black women for challenging their male-dominance/machismo by being strong -- out of necessity.
I remember seeing, on this blog, a black guy making pretty nasty generalizations about black women -- and a black woman making hateful generalizations about black men. I wrote them off as anomalies. I still do. I want to continue to do so.
So, back to Kim: I mentioned a black preacher I'd seen on CNN who believed the bible "teaches us" that women should not run for public office, shouldn't be ministers, etc. I'd written him off as a nut -- the white equivalent of which we've seen MANY times. Kim said she'd grown up around that view (in Oakland) and thinks it's a real problem. If there's a scantness of devoted black dads and husbands (and I don't know -- I gather the folk in my world, of all skin tones, may be somewhat unusual), could this be part of this picture? If so, it's a sad thing. I wonder if there are there are groups/activists working on this -- if it's a real factor.
AB, congrats on doing what you're supposed to, and enjoy the adulation while it lasts. Speaking from experience, there is something about the toddler stage where men are perceived as going above and beyond the call merely by showing up,but that perception drops off real fast when that cherubic cuteness wears off. (I've thought about it a lot and really can't explain it. Perhaps playing ball or fishing with kids is supposed to be fun for the Dad, while spending time with a toddler who really can't "do much" is viewed as the Mom's job?)
I never really viewed the comments as racial and certainly not racist. But whenever we had public one-on-one time on a Friday or Sunday night, I got a kick out of how many people assumed I was a single or divorced dad either starting off or wrapping up "my weekend on."
@deedee;
I agree with your last closing remarks. Give me a break... The male chauvanism is in full force today! For the most part I don't think men are more stressed. In the homes that have two incomes definitely not. Kids always want their moms. Mothering is one of he most stressful, and @ times thankless jobs! And many women carry this stress everyday to work and come back home to deal with more.
@cjames;
I have to agree to disagree with you.I don't think anyone will change how you feel about the gender roles or the enormous pressures placed upon males/fathers. The men that don't step up to the plate do so because the can.
I don't think that people that co-habitate are always alike. There are plenty of opposites in relationships that might agree with me. As for my personal situation what I tolerated had nothing to do with laziness or their fathers' behavior while we dated. Instead it had more to do with how I was raised, and partly due to the indoctrination I had received from the Apostolic church. The latter being the strongest reason why I stayed in my 20+ year marriage as long as I did.
@AB
;
I disagree with the use of words like always and never. I know several situations where the woman was blamed for the breakdown of a relationship/marriage. Even in those cases the blame should have been shared- no one deserves all the blame.
@MissJay - On the taking the girls to the urinal comment.. I forgot all about that. Yes. I have to admit I put my girls through all of that as well, until my oldest could take her little sister in the restroom with her. More Epic Fail as a parent for me.. Any more nightmares of mine (or probably theirs) you care to dig up?? LOL.. Those days were soooo awkward.
@AB Not necessarily you being naive about everyone not being like you, but some people who comment here and many people I know are.. read below for example..
@CJames the people who made negative aspersions about black men/women on this blog were telling the truth, their truth through their experieneces. I liken it to young men writing songs about bitchez and hoez. If all you grew up with were bitchez and hoez, if your mom was, your sister was, thats what you write about. The same goes for man-hating female songwrighters. Neither are making that stuff up. Everbody is not sane like you, AB and many others here and in your life.. Its an unfortunate truth. No diss here, just that everyone is not like you. I wish they were.
Here is a something that drove me crazy when our kids were young: the idea that their dad was "babysitting" when he took care of them.
AverageBro, I stumbled upon you the last few weeks of the campaign and you were very good company for me.
@ deedee/cjames
Let's not turn this into the Oppression Olympics. We both have it bad, no need to try and out-bad each other.
@ chris n
Good point. I would indeed expect the accolades to disappear as he gets older.
@ sarah
Great to have you here. Stick around and keep commenting.
I just want to ask this again because it got buried. I've heard it said that until the late 1960s the black nuclear family was not in the shape it is now (i.e. that uncertain "70%" figure). As far as anyone here knows or percieves, is that basically true?
heck yea man us dads are in the house - in my case grandad too! unfortunately enough of us aren't. but i do my best to hold it down for mine as well as taking the time to mentor others too. they all belong to us bruh. of course we shouldn't have to be commended for taking care of our flesh and blood - but again it speaks to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Maybe I am an anomaly, but I have seen more young men out with their children. Yeah they may be "freelance pharmacists", non-working, or whatever, but I see the out in the middle of the day with their kids... Minus the baby mama's. So I have faith. I will say this, my husband does the lion's share. he is an awesomely excellent dad. he gets pissed when people comment on him taking care of his girls. He knows that I am often stressed after being at work, so he takes our oldest daughter with him. On days when things are really bad, he will take both girls with him. He is a God send. i am telling you things are going to get better slowly but surely.
And If you are a parent in America, male or female, black or white, in this economy we are all stressed. If I don't bring in my paycheck, we won't eat, hubby won't have gas for work, and children would have no clothes. We all stress about everything. It is the American way.
I do like it a lot when I see a man spending time with his children. I wouldn't go up to him and say it (somehow it seems so condescending to do that), but I do hope that my husband will be a father who spends a fair amount of time with our children. Maybe it's a biological thiing women get when they see men with children?
Two things...As a single Black mother (who is co-parenting), I often get accolades, too. And, me...I'm taking them. It's hard out here for a Mama, even with an engaged Black co-parenting Daddy. I need all the positive reinforcement I can get. Maybe those folks don't have a clue about just how great a mother I am to my son, but I do. And, because it serves me, I've decided to just accept it as a reflection of something they may not fully fathom but recognize nonetheless.
Even my six-year-old does it sometimes. "You're a good Mama, because you take care of me." LOL! He has not a clue. But, I'll take it just the same.
OK. That wasn't two things...but it was two cents.
I have similar experiences all the time (single, two kids) and it irks me to no ends. Take your small circle of friends that include fathers taking care of their children/family, my circle of friends who do the same, their small circle of friends, and so forth and so on and it's no longer a phenomenon. People will begin to understand that it's an everyday occurrence. The negative scenario is shown so much more often that it's what the world believes to be true.
Pat on the back? I think not. Like I said - it's an everyday thing and nothing out of the ordinary - just handlin'. What does it say about Black fatherhood? That the public needs to educated to the fact that Black men take care of their own. Just because the media only shows the deadbeats, that's just not the way it is.
One of my favorite subject so, anything further will lead to extreme digression. Nice post. Peace.
. . . and some say "kids spend more time with moms than dads", then what of the full-time SINGLE-parent dads (like myself and many others). That's just not so.
@cjames- that acknowledgment means a lot! tonight, thank your wife for all that she does and i promise she will be grateful!
Yes, amazing, great and even good decent black fathers are rare today.
My parents divorced when I was 6. I remember my father walking over 10 miles every weekend to visit my sisters and I. His going without food and lights, so we can have. Any and every little thing he did, he made sure to include us in it some kind of way.
I have 3 kids today myself and when I could get my husband to take them out to the store with him, I considered it a blessing. To him, it was like doing open heart surgery while driving. They'd come back with every single food item, except the ones that were on the list. You dont tend to see many fathers out with their kids because they expect it to be too difficult.
But its a wonderful time when you get to spend a few quiet minutes with your kids. Too many married fathers are too adept at being weekend parents. Playing sports and going fishing with their kids.
Giving that little extra something, helping them pick out clothes, making a special meal with them, going over their homework, being the one to set them straight when they step out of line or drying their tears when they're sad, would make such a huge difference to your child. The difference of whether they think you were a good provider or a good provider and a good friend.
Today's black fathers, too many, use their hatred of their childs mother to make them stay away from making an impact. Today's fathers, want a pat on the back just for getting formula or diapers. Today's father just say, Mom is there, there's nothing for me to do. She got it.
I was in court last week and I saw a very well dressed man in there. He was holding his two month old son close to his chest, while pushing his stroller. The first thing that came to my and everyone I spoke to mind was, where's the mother? Is he taking care of him alone? How horrible is it that his mother isn't there to help him? Is she on the stand and he's babysitting? And, awwww how cute is it that he's taking care of his baby alone. He's such a good man.
Which reminds me of when I was bringing my daughter to school. A white male was in his Porche, his son was dropped off wayyyy far from the school. He was begging his dad to get out of the car and walk him to the class. The dad was driving off and talking to his son through the window, while on his cellphone. In a rush to get away. The son clearly loved his father. But his dad wouldnt even gift him 5 minutes out of his schedule to walk with him to the door. That child will never forget that.
This is done, because the mother typically does these things. Make sacrifices. And they're often overlooked. Because thats seen as being her usual role.
But when you see a father do the most menial things, it makes even the most caring mother give pause.
Because too many fathers today, just don't give a damn.
Sorry, for the long novel.
Reading soome of the latest comments made me reflect.
Yes, any parent/grandparent/guardian that is doing the right thing deserves encouragement. Raising children is hard. You sacrifice for many years. When they become adults, the sacrifices may still continue.
@daedalus
Don't feel bad, you had no other choice as my dad didn't LOL. But your daughters got to the bathroom and you didn't have a mess to clean up. At least one had an older sister to take her to the bathroom. I was an only child then, all I had was my dad.
I agree with a lot of other posters. All the parents taking care of children, spending time with them, need recognition. It's the most important job that has no sick days, no vacations, no monetary pay (not counting tax time ;) ). And by parents I include foster parents, adopted parents, step parents, biological parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles who take care of children like they are their parents, just anybody.
I think it's a compliment. My brother has twin boys and is often out with them alone--they get many compliments. His kids are pretty docile, which probably helps. In his case, the double cute factor is at work and the novelty of seeing a Dad with his kids.
It’s funny because I have seriously been pondering the role of the father and the mother in the black family. I have three girls, was a single parent with my oldest for a long time. Welcomed the participation of the biological male parent in our daughter’s life. (A name he earned after countlessly disappointing our daughter – even to the point of returning her to me after one visitation, when she was about four years old, wishing she was lighter. When I called to ask what was going on his response was that he wished he was white when he was younger.) So understanding that he was confused I dealt with that incident like many others with a mothering touch and perseverance.
Tony is an engineer that lived in another state, so imagine my amazement when I ran into him once in a mall across town during the holidays, he didn’t see me and probably to this day does not know that it occurred, however, I couldn’t believe that he had come to town and had made no attempt to see or let our daughter know. Our daughter performs and that he has made two performances and not witnessed her development or even heard her become an accomplished opera singer or command the stage in a musical production to me is pretty unbelievable. Coupled with the fact that he made no effort to show up for her graduation, when he was given the information repeatedly over the six months period prior to the event, lets say that I felt bad as a mother for selecting such a character to participate in the role of fathering and I hurt for my daughter having to experience such lack of support from the other party that is responsible for her being here.
I now have three girls, one in college and two preschoolers. My husband and I moved north where he landed an executive position. We have been here some time, traveling back and forth when I found evidence of infidelity. Being one that doesn’t jump to conclusions and not wanting my girls to not have there father in the home, I sat on what I discovered and looked for signs of the behavior ending. When it did not, I confronted the issues, so we have been legally separated for now what seems to be eternity. I went to court just last week thinking our two year separation would finally end in divorce, as there is nothing new to deliberate and no changes that need to occur from either side, only to find that the date has been postponed again.
This is possibly why I am pondering the role of not only fatherhood but that of a potential mate. I moved to this state a married individual with the mindset of a wife and mother and though I was concerned about the social outlets for families, it was masked more with my husbands’ position and obligations. In my current position of a single parent , head of household, I find myself examining my environment with more serious observation and from what I have viewed since I have been here in this position, I am saddened for the black family and our black offspring. I know that everyone has a different outlook and I have every intention of moving yet there are clear indicators that things aren’t getting better for the black family or our black offspring. I commend fathers for not only being there but that are engaged in promoting productive children. I have not witnessed this often. I have witnessed fatherless and motherless children. Children that are wards of the state and/or parents are there consuming alcohol, drugs and destructive behavior in front of and with the children that they are responsible for. I am encouraged by Barack Obama being elected to serve as our next president. I am more elated that he is serving as a black man while he is being loved, supported and respected by his close family nucleus. From where I sit in small town America, I have witnessed pastors and preachers shaming their wives with extra marital relations and having children spread throughout the community; community leaders compromising their families with scandal and extra marital affairs and just the average family facing issues of compromise to the family unit. Yet with all this, I am hopeful and maintain the desire for a husband, a companion, father to my/our children. And while I am currently in small town America I suspect that this is merely a microcosm of what is going on in the world it does not look good for family as a whole. I pray for fathers and desire the best for humanity. So yes I look and ponder with the feelings of hope giving triumph to the feelings of despair.
Post a Comment