Friday, September 5, 2008

People I Greatly Dislike: Cable News Show Personalities.

You know em', you hate em'. They're the scourge of the cable news world. That's right, party people, I'm talkin' bout' dem' cable news show hosts.

The Big Three Cable news outlets fall into predictable roles. Fox News is clearly reading White House Talking Points. MSNBC has the double-douchbag lineup with bloviators Keith Olbermann, and Chris Matthews, two guys who probably go to bed every night dreaming about Obama, only to awake to sticky sheets. CNN wants to pull off the illusion of being on some mythical "middle ground", but that's just code for "hey, we're lightweights, we just can't do any better".

Yet, since TeeVee doesn't afford us the luxury of more channels for a broader array of opinions (especially those of minorities and Independents), we're pretty much capped out at listening to the same blowhards pretend-fighting with each other every night. As if we're not wise enough to know that these folks leave to studio and go to the same scrip clubs cocktail parties the moment the cameras go dim.

Cable news' lousy and predictable format is a large part of why the country's view of politricks is so messed up. They weild an undue amount of influence, considering the fact that they seldom actually break a news story, as opposed to regurgitating what's in the newspapers. They all have agendas, namely to keep their jobs by saying what they're paid to appear and say. They often spout completely correct information repeatedly, knowing that after the 100th time, even the savviest viewer begins to second guess what they already know. And at their worse, these folks are some of the most vile, disgusting individuals seen on the tube since Faces Of Death.[1]

Next week's poll is all about choosing the King Of All D-Bag Cable News Show Personalities. Here's my list of nominees. If you see some glaring omissions, add em' you know where.

Pat Buchanan [MSNBC] - Let's call a spade a spade. Pat, despite occasional bouts of honesty, is little more than a tool for ole timey Southern racist propaganda. Nobody will call him on this, because, well, he's playing his role. And playing it well might I add.

Glenn Beck [Headline News] - Beck, owner of a collection of chins that would make Karl Rove proud, doesn't get as much acclaim as his mentor Sean Hannity, but he's just as reviling. His smarmy, holier than thou demeanor makes me wish he'd have an unfortunate falafel incident.

Bill O'Reilly [Fox News] - Speaking of falafel... seriously, how did Bill-O manage to dodge this bullet and still spout his hateful brand of sensationalist drivel another 4 years? I just don't get it.

The Cast of Fox & Friends [Fox News... duh] - Would you like some Scrawberry HaterAde™ with your breakfast? You know where to look.

Lou Dobbs [CNN] - Did you know that like King Of The Hill star Bobby Hill, whom Lou looks like a grownup version of, Dobbs is the son of a real-life Texas propane salesman? Did you also know that despite his hatred of all things Mexican, Lou is actually married to a Latina? No seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Campbell Brown [CNN] - More of a hostess than an actual pundit, but come on'. Exactly who does this serial lightweight have incriminating photos of? For someone who's supposed to be an objective moderator, she lets guests run over her more than anyone this side of Jeff Johnson.

Laura Ingraham [Fox News] - If you don't have nothin' nice to say...

Juan Williams [Fox News] - ...your mama n'em taught you the rest.

Chris Matthews [MSNBC] - Look, I'm prObama myself. Anyone who reads this site knows that. Still, it's pretty dishonest, and borderline maniacal to act as if everything the man does is kissed with the lips of The Messiah. Matthews pretty much deep-sixes any semblance of credibility by turning his show into a nightly Obama pep rally. Sure, it's fun to occasionally watch him rip a guest to shreds, but those instances are few and far between. More often than not, Hardball is little more than a Democratic Circle Jerk. Who the hell wants to watch that nonsense?

Sean Hannity [Fox News] - Boy, I could say so much, but bandwidth is so precious. Why not just watch this clip and get reacquainted with your lunch?

Keith Olbermann [MSNBC] - Of all the blowhards on cable, Olbermann is perhaps the worst. While I do indeed like his "tell it like it is" approach to stating his opinion, his over the top "smarter than though" smarminess eclipses even that of Hannity and Beck, which is no small feat. If dude wants to be seen as a serious journalist (ha ha), not some two bit ESPN refugee, he'll figure out that being the smartest guy in the class isn't always something you wanna throw in others faces.

Question: You got any more Cable News Personalities to add to next week's poll?

[1] Please tell me ya'll remember these VHS tapes from the 80's.

blog comments powered by Disqus

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.