Yesterday I was unpacking my new lawn mower and getting ready to cut my grass for the first time since firing the lawn service I'd been paying $35/week to completely ruin my grass. Despite being an engineer and relatively handy, something about having to assemble and potentially repair a piece of mechanical equipment generally bugs me out. But all goes well. I fill the mower with gas, let go of the choke, and it cranks right up. So I'm mowing and mowing away for a solid 5 minutes, and suddenly the brand-new lawnmower just sputters and shuts off.
And my internal voice says "Aww crap!"
I pace around the yard, looking puzzled for a few minutes. I don't know the first thing about the mechanics of a lawnmower. Sure, I cut the grass every other week (rotating duties with my brothers) growing up, but when the mower occasionally stopped working, I was never the one to fix it. So, I'm stumped.
I contemplate calling my brother, or walking over to bug one of my neighbors, until common sense finally kicks in.
Read the manual, dummy.
Item #5 in the Troubleshooting Guide is check the spark plug, and sure enough, I check it and it's not in it's housing. I reconnect it, the mower cranks right back up, and I finish the lawn.
I know some of you are wondering what in the world this has to do with Father's Day.
Everything.
The lawnmower was obviously a simple fix. But what happens when life's problems don't come with solutions so easily found in a list of bullet points? Then what?
There's no owner's guide on how to deal with adversity and keep things in perspective. No book to tell you how to remain humble, self-assured, and grounded in a world that seldom rewards either. How to stick to the commitments you make. How to respect women as your equal. How respect is earned, not given. No manual on how to keep your emotions in check and not let them overpower logic, resulting in poor life-altering decisions. That there are no shortcuts in life, just hard, and smart work. No tome written to teach a boy how to become a young lad in the most crucial aspects (integrity, responsibility, selflessness) of manhood.
That's where Dads come in.
My father was like most others of his generation: a disciplinarian and provider first, all other things second. He brought home the bacon, and made sure we understood just how hard he had to work for it. He kept his three sons in school and on the straight and narrow. He respected his wife as his equal, and they provided a safe and loving home for us.
The funny thing is, few of the lessons I mentioned above were actually explained as such. Although I'm a firm believer in "teachable moments", and use them with my own kids (ie: my basketball team, mentee, and my own son once he gets old enough) I think my brothers and I learned a lot from our Dad through Negro Osmosis. Namely by just watching what he did, and following his lead.
Growing up in a very working-class neighborhood full of two parent black households, I really didn't understand the depth of this whole "epidemic in black fatherhood" until I was in college. And since most of my friends today are more or less at the same point in life as me[1], I can't even truly say I completely comprehend the longterm effects of boys (and girls for that matter) who grow up without the constant presence and guidance of the man responsible for bringing them here. I can certainly empathize, which is why I put so much time and effort into mentoring and tutoring, but I cannot fully relate. I just can't.
And words cannot explain just how thankful I am to God and both of my parents for this.
As I got older, I began wanting more from the relationship I had with my Dad. I knew him my entire life as a Father, but never so much as just a Man. Unlocking that door was naturally part of figuring out my 20-something self as well. I didn't really understand his fears, what made him tick, what made him well... him. Since his job of rearing us was mostly complete, we began spending time together as just buddies. Watching sports. Shooting the breeze about my impending marriage. Fishing. It was never quite Theo and Cliff, but it was getting there.
So when my Dad passed unexpectedly a few years ago, it was devastating. There were so many conversations yet to be had. So many questions that would forever go unanswered. Grand kids who wouldn't have a Pa-Pa. But over time, my appreciation for what he and my Mom (who is still with us) did in staying married over 30 years and raising me and my brothers with purpose has grown exponentially. And with a son of my own, I see more and more of my Dad everyday. He's got the same-shaped head. He's opinionated. He's funny. He even looks like my Pops when he cries. It's a gift that keeps on giving.
I guess that's why all the incessant Daddy-bashing that goes on in the Black community always ticks me off a bit. Sure, you can toss out that tired 70% of all kids being born out of wedlock stat, but does that really tell you everything? Of course not. Just because those Dads aren't married doesn't mean they aren't engaged, loving, nurturing, and providing for their kids. And while the fact that %51 of all black households are headed by Black women is indeed distressing, it does also mean that the nearly other half of them indeed do have a Dad present. Again, it's not perfect, but do you see the glass as half full or half empty? It's all about perspective.
I won't pretend that Black men don't have our issues. We do. But the legions of black men I see with their kids when I go to the park, or coach basketball, or visit my mentee's school, or go to church aren't all deadbeats. I don't have any empirical evidence, but I'd say an overwhelming majority of all Black men are good fathers. It's just the sorry assed Negroes that give the rest of us a bad name. You can disagree with this point if you'd like, but it's what I truly believe.
There's really no point to all this rambling, other than to say, if you've got a Father, be appreciative. Screw a comment, pick up the phone right now and tell the Old Man you love him, just on GP, like I wish I could.
If yours is still alive but you don't have a relationship, assuming you're emotionally capable, seek to build one. If you never knew your Dad, honor the men (Uncles, Grandpas, Big Brothers, Mentors, Coaches) in your life this Sunday with something more than just the Big Piece Of Chicken.
Tell these men you love them, and why.
Question: Sobering statistics aside, what do you think about the state of Black fatherhood in America? Do you think numbers tell the whole story? Without getting too personal, did/do you have a good relationship with your Dad?
[1] Which is completely coincidental, yet somehow oddly intentional. I mean, seriously, what business do I have hangin' around a bunch of bamas who don't take care of their kids? I'm sure this relative "bubble" of folks I've chosen to associate myself with my attributes to my somewhat rosier view of black men as Dads, but seriously, are things really that bad?
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Man, I just want to say that your "rambling" was a joy to read. I did not have a relationship with my father, and not sure if I can muster up the emotions to attempt one. I can say, being without a father is like being stranded in the wilderness without a compass. No sense of direction. Its a difficult situation that most of us really dont realize until we are grown. I plan to do a Father's Day podcast on my site. Please do check it out over the weekend. Thanks for this post.
CityBoyRadio.com
That was lovely to read. I am lucky to have a very close relationship with my dad. There is nothing he wouldn't do for his family. He and my mum just celebrated forty years together. You only realize when you become an adult how human your dad actually is. As an adult, I try in any small way that I can to repay the favor and take care of him when he needs it.
What's up, AB!
I have two sisters and a brother and it really just hit me in the past week how great it has been to have my father in our lives.
I think it was a culmination of my parent's anniversary on the 8th (45years), my husband and I buying a new life insurance policy and my realizing that I am 41 years old and that as much as I would like to think I am going to live forever, I won't.
My parents were not perfect; had a couple of incidences where the old man moved out of the house for a minute, then came to his senses and my mom let him back in. But I think the older you get, the more you appreciate them. When you are younger, you just assume they are going to be there and spend the majority of your time trying to figure out how to get around the rules and regulations.
My best friend lost her father 8 years ago (her mother 10 years prior to that) and I stil don't understand how she dealt with it.
My father is very reminiscent of Bill Cosby, he does not purposefully act like Mr. Cosby, that is just his personality. He's funny, sarcastic (gee, I wonder where his kids got that from), always in a good mood and just generally a cool guy. And I love him ridiculously and have already warned my husband that when he passes to the next life, I will be an absolute mess for a minute.
Happy Father's Day to all of the dads out there. Enjoy the day!
I was also blessed to have a father all of my life and I cannot imagine the woman I would have become without his presence. I have more of his mannerisms than my mother. However in my close circle of friends, two of us had fathers and two did not. The influence of a father or lack thereof is evident in all or our lives, whether the father was good or bad.
One of my friends without a father has always sought out that sort of relationship with men while another has sort of developed a slight man-hating stance and generally believes men are irrelevant or at best talking accessories to have in life.
Things are bad but I agree with you that many people don't give those men who are good fathers enough credit because of the assholes in their midst.
Very engaging and emotional read. I lost my father a little while ago but had been previously blessed with a very close and loving relationship with him. Because of that closeness, I was better able to gauge acceptable forms of behavior from other men in my life. In the best moments, I wish he were here to see me shine and in the worst, I wish he were here for me to lean on and to offer his words of wisdom and support. Even though he's gone, I'd like to think that he's proud...through good and bad.
Currently, both my father and mother are still living. It's a true blessing.
My wife's parents have passed on. I try to make my in-laws as proud as I can by cherishing her.
AB, thank you for sharing those thoughts with us. I understand truly about seeing your dad differently as the MAN he is in old age, not just as a father.
My utmost goal right now is making
him a grandfather before it's too late. He has plans for the baby.
I'm calling my dad right now.
EG
Just spoke to my dad for the first time in a year, about 2 weeks ago... it's good to be talking again. He has a lot of flaws... but now that I've been at this father thing for 12 years, I see the ways he raised me not to have his issues, and I'm grateful.
Great read AB.
Like you AB, I too was fortunate and blessed to be raised in a two-parent household and have a greater appreciation for what they did now as an adult and parent. As the youngest of six, I was the spoiled baby who was the apple of my daddy's eyes as he was my hero and saviour in every way. Like you, he was a coach, a handy-man who could build and fix almost anything, a mentor, involved in the community and education of area youth, and the hard-working bread AND butter winner as he sometimes worked 3 jobs to support us. On top of it all, I always witnessed him treating my mother with the utmost respect and love she deserved.
As I became a rebellious teen, he became more of a dictatorial tyrant than a superhero to me, as I looked for ways to get around his many rules and restrictions. We bumped heads, clashed, and even came to blows a time or two (He's a stubborn bullish Taurus, and I got it from him;), but I can truly say to this day that had he not been what he was and still is to me, only Lord knows what I would have turned out to be.
Now our relationship is great (especially during football season---Go Skins!!!) and I am glad I got the opportunity to learn and know him as the hu-man, husband (37 years and counting--WOW), and father. Even with all of his flaws, he will always be the greatest man I know and I live to make him proud.
Happy Father's Day to you AB, and all the Dads holding it down, you are valued and appreciated!
I am so very grateful to have both of my parents still with me and still together after 38 years of marriage. My father and I have bumped heads over the years (because we are just alike) but he is a good daddy and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He has raised up a daughter and son and been a father figure to many young men in our neighborhood. I think I'm proudest of him for that; stepping up to do that when he certainly didn't have to. Many thanks to the men who are stepping up to raise and train children who aren't even your own. That's REALLY what's up. Happy Father's Day, AB to you and all the other daddies out there.
Ya'll certainly deserve it.
Your dad sounds like mine.
And I have the same reaction to Daddy-bashing.
I think the state of Black fatherhood in America is improving. More real Black fathers, like President Obama, are getting media attention and showing that Black mean are real fathers to their children. Negros have been gotten too in the past. I did not grow up with my father, but my brother's father was around and I have an AWESOME grandfather, so I never felt deprived or lacked a positive male role model. Did you know that there are kids today that don't know NOT to talk to strangers. My husband TRIED to pass that on to some little girls that struck up a conversation while he was walking his dog. He doesn't know these little girls, and had not seen them before, but wanted to pass that on because it is a basic lesson. At the end of the conversation, one little girl told him, "you're not my parent." That was when I realized how important my awesome grandfather really is. So for Father's Day I'm going to visit him and take him a picture of us at my reception. He has Alzheimers and doesn't remember me, but I remember him.
@Anonymous: President Obama? Arent we being presumptious? LOL! @AB.. Great article. I personally had a great realationship with my Dad. I wish he was still around. I grew up with workaholic dad who provided for and protected us and a mother who was a housewife (and proud to be one).. Maybe thats why my mind is so F*d up (or, conservative to some). Unfortunately death parted them in 2000 when my mother died and my dad checked out n 2002. To them I owe my fabulous life and prosperity for they gave me the tools and values to be what and who I am today.
My parents have been married 28 years. I guess I never really knew what it was like to live without a father because he always did the "daddy" things. I can remember being 6-8yrs old and in the summer he would come home on his lunch break, hurry up an eat and spend the next 15-20 minutes playing with me. Then after he got off work in the evening I would meet him at the door ready to play and he would indulge me until it was time for dinner.
My dad taught me to hunt and fish (even though he sucked at it)..he taught me how to play football, baseball and basketball...taught me to drive, change my oil, brakes. He never missed a junior high, high school, or college program I was in. He taught me how to use a hammer and a saw. He taught me about being a man and how to treat people.
Although he didn't come into my life until I was 5yrs old and I saw my biological 1-2 times every year, he was the dad I always knew. When I recieved my college diploma in the mail...my dad (my stepfather) was the guy I gave it to.
I am thankful everyday for my Dad. I'm one of those people that makes a serious distinction between my Daddy and my father. "Father," is a medical term (in mho), it doesn't require much to be a father, just show up and make the proper deposit. "Daddy" is a personal term of endearment. My "Daddy" is the man that raised me, the one that chose me, the one that made sure that I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted growing up and even today.
My dad started dating my Mom knowing she was pregnant with me and she says that he decided while I was in vitro that he would be my dad. He legally adopted me when I was 4 and insisted my birth certificate be changed to include his last name.
My Dad and I had a rocky relationship for most of my life and he was emotionally unavailable in ways that complicated things to the point of my not being able to understand. Things have changed, I maded a resolution last NYE(07) that I was going to get things on the right track with my Dad, and we are so cool now. He still has his moments but for the most part there is a mutual respect there and a strong love that I am now aware of and able to reciprocate to him.
I have something that resembles a relationship with my father but I have no real respect for the man. He's a joke and it's sad. My dad is 20 times the man he is and no one could ever compete with my love for my dad. I know how lucky I am that my father didn't even try to step up and be my dad, it was one of the best things that ever could've happened to me.
Happy Father's Day to all the Daddy's doing their Daddy thing.
My father was strict as hell, but I appreciate him for it now. He has been gone for five years, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him, or something that he said or did. I wax poetic about my dad. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't the best husband in the world, but he was an awesome father. My mom says I am just like him..... I would give anything to be near him again, but it is not possible. People need to realize that a deadbeat daddy is better than no daddy at all. As long as there is breath there is hope people.
have a wonderful father's day.
AB - have a great Father's Day.
I grew up with an abusive an alcoholic father. Fortunately my mom finally worked up the strength to leave him when I was twelve.
A year later she met the man that would become my true dad. We had a rocky start, but he showed me what being a father truly means and after five years he legally adopted me. Six months ago he gave me away at my wedding. My mother in law performed the ceremony and held a speech. I had told her about the important part my adoptive father had played in my life and how he had showed me all the good things a father can be. In her speech she made a special mention of his role and importance to me. He sat there, crying and proud and I think that was the most special moment in our relation, being able to give him all the recognition as a father that he deserved and being able to do that in front of all our friends and family.
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