In case you're just tuning in... AverageSis (AS) is my wife. AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers. AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three. And I am AverageBro (AB) of course.
AB: This has gotta be near the end.
AOB: Not till they roll out Lil' Wayne. It's his show.
[DL Hughley appears to introduce John Legend.]
AOB: I almost forgot DL was hosting this show.
[John Legend introduces the Al Green tribute. AS starts dancing in her seat.]
AS: This is my music right here. He looks like my Daddy.
AOB: Your Daddy didn't get hit with no hot grits did he?
AS: Thankfully not.
AB: Al got him a Steve Harvey hairpiece. He's lookin' casket sharp.
AOB: He's the man.
AB: Sharp as a tack.
AMB: I'm glad he's finally getting his props.
[Jill Scott comes out to sing "Still In Love With You".]
AS: She can't dress. That isn't a flattering outfit. For someone with so much talent, she always looks tacky.
AMB: She has a faux hawk.
AB: Sounds good though.
AS: Yeah. Always.
AOB: She killed Eryhah Badu's career.
AMB: Yep. Murdered it.
[The entire family gets off on a tangent about other stuff. Jill drones on in the background, until Anthony Hamilton comes out.]
AMB: Good music.
AS: Yep. But look at that tiny gold chain.
AOB: It looks like something you buy at a kiosk in the mall.
AB: That ain't a chain, that's a necklace!
[Maxwell comes out, exhumed from the ashes for this very show.]
AS: Yay! Maxwell!
AOB: What happened to him?
AMB: He looks like Ray Charles with that regular guy haircut.
AS: He looks like Tavis Smiley.
AMB: He got himself a Lil' Boosie Fade.
AB: Sure did.
AOB: This is a good move for him. Maybe he's back now.
AMB: He looks 50!
AS: He sounds good though. Didn't miss a beat.
AB: Agreed. He sounds good.
AOB: He turned it out.
[Al Green comes out to sing "Let's Stay Together".]
AS: This show's actually turned out pretty classy. I can't believe I'm saying that about BET.
AB: Lil' Wayne's coming. Trust me. It'll get un-classy again.
[The camera pans the crowd and shows Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs with stepson Quincy, who's actually Al B. Sure's son.]
AS: He looks just like Al B.
AMB: Yeah, but he's always everywhere with Puffy. He might as well be his kid.
AOB: I'd rather be raised by Puffy.
AS: Al B couldn't afford to take all those kids to Chuck E Cheese.
AB: Told ya'll.
[A promo for Baldwin Hills comes on.]
AS: I hate BET.
AB: I love my wife.
[The nominees for The Viewer's Choice Award are announced.]
AB: It's Lil' Weezy Time. Lil' Wayne has to get some participation prize for his trouble.
[Lollipop wins the award.]
AB: Told ya'.
[Lil' Wayne proceeds to bring his mom, Kanye, and all 15 of his kids onstage.]
AB: It must be his weekend.
AOM: Probably so.
[DL Hughley reappears and makes an off color joke about Young Buck's recent crying for chicken situation.]
[AOB and AMB laugh uncontrollably at what's DL's only remotely comical moment all night.]
AS (incredulous): I don't get it, what's so funny?
AB: Man I'm so lucky I married you.
AB: Never mind.
[Rihanna takes the stage to lipsync one of her many Top 100 tunes.]
AS: She's boring. How did she become a star?
AMB: Why is she lipsyncing? It's not like she's dancing or anything.
AOB: She isn't lipsyncing.
AS: I don't like that outfit. She's boring. She didn't even move the entire time.
[Debra Lee comes out to present some award.]
AS: She looks good. Showin' a lil' cleavage.
AMB: A lil' baggage too.
AOB: I bet she was baaaaad back in the day.
AS: She looks nice.
AOB: She built the empire. She was Bob's jumpoff, but she knew how to handle the bidness too.
AMB: So I heard.
AOB: His wife cut that initial BET check though, so she cleaned him out when they got divorced.
AOB: 400 Milli!!!
AB: Don't get no ideas.
AB: Nothing Dear.
[A montage of Quincy Jones tribute clips runs.]
AOB: Where's his white girl? Q keeps him some white girls.
AS: He looks and sounds good for 85 years old.
AB: He's only 75.
[The camera shows Al B Sure's son for the 17,000th time.]
AS: Why do they keep showin' him?
AB: I bet he has a reality show coming in the Fall.
AOM: Off On Your Own, Boy.
AB: Diddy's Kiddies.
AS: Shut up.
[Nelly and Jermaine Dupri come out to perform whatever Nelly's latest song is called.]
AOB: Is this another song about tennis shoes?
AMB: "Don't Step On My J's".
AOB: First "Air Force Ones", now a song about Jordans.
AB: Phil Knight is cuttin' a nice check to somebody.
[Ciara and Fergie make cameos.]
AB: Nelly is goin' for Carter III sales with this next album. Eff' a budget. He's pulling out every guest in his Sidekick. Who's next, Michael Jackson?
AOB: That was sorta hot. Lil Wayne better show up.
[Diddy and Lauren London come out and plug Sean John and Ciroc, while introducing the Female R&B Singer of the Year Award.]
AB: Clearly this is the product placement segment of the show.
AOM: Keyshia Cole is gonna win then. She's got a show on BET.
AB: No way they invite Alicia Keys to this crap show without giving her an award for her trouble.
[Alicia Keys wins and comes onstage to give thanks.]
AS: She's wearing Spanks.
AS: She looks good though.
AB: She seems like she actually wanted to be there.
AOB: Seems like she's finally found her niche. She's not tryin' so hard to be down anymore.
AMB: Yeah, true.
[Alicia Keys gives the 319,000th Obama endorsement of the night.]
AOB: Most of these bamas can't even vote or ain't even registered.
AS: Alicia looks like the type who'd actually vote though.
AB: Dag, is it 11:15 already? When is this goin' off?
[Lil' Wayne, introduced by T-Pain finally takes the stage. I feel the first symptoms of carpal tunnel. Did I really just spend the past 4 hours of my life watching this stuff? Did I really drag my loved ones along for the ride? Am I'm gonna have nightmares about this all tonight?]
AMB: Boring. Even Nelly outshined him.
AB: I must be going crazy, cause "Lollipop" actually sounds good.
AS: Let go of that laptop right now! You're losin' it.
[I'm definitely havin' nightmares tonight. The show ends.]
AB: I wonder if Jacque Reid is doin' the after party.
[The opening credits for the after party roll. Big Tigger and P. Diddy are co-hosting.]
AS: Turn this off.
Have a great evening folks. It's been real. See ya'll in October for The 4th Annual Festival of Negro Nonsense Recap.
We'll Watch, So You Don't Have To.