Tuesday, June 24, 2008

AverageBro & Family LiveBlog The BET Awards: Hour One

In case you're just tuning in... AverageSis (AS) is my wife. AverageOlderBrother (AOB) is (duh) the older of my two brothers. AverageMiddleBrother (AMB) is (duh) the middle son in our family of three. And I am AverageBro (AB) of course.

8:00 PM

[The show begins. Usher takes the stage.]

AB: Is that Marcus Houston?

AMB: This bama fell off. Usher got fat.

AOB: He got a gut.

AMB: Is that a bulletproof vest around his waist?

AOB: Bobby Brown gained some weight and blew his career too.

AB: Chris Brown better put down the baby back ribs.

AMB: Maybe the widescreen is distorted. Fix the setting.

AB: Maybe.

AOB: Doesn't matter, he's off.

AMB: Is he wearing a bulletproof vest?

AOB: Take the TV off widescreen, this distortion is distracting.

AMB: Doesn't matter, Chris Brown has officially overtaken this dude. The crowd is silent.

AOB: He didn't take his shirt off. He's overweight.

[Camera strategically pans to Chris Brown in the audience.]

AMB: You can tell Chris knows he got Usher beat now. That was laaaaame.

[AS returns with pizzas.]

AS: Did I miss Usher?

AMB and AOB: You ain't miss nothin'.

AS: Rewind it anyway.

AB: Honey, we're live blogging. I can't just rewind it.

[DL Hughley shows up dressed like a ghetto Paddington The Bear to deliver his opening monologue. The entire family gets up for a pizza break. I'm sure we aren't missing anything.]

AverageFamily during DL's monologue: {chirp chirp}

[Terrance Howard and Jennifer Hudson appear to present an award.]

AOB: Fix the fullscreen thing. Jennifer Hudson looks like a whale.

AS: That dress is awful.

AB: The fullscreen ain't broke.

AS: Ne-Yo is a cornball.

AMB: Chris Brown better win.

[Chris Brown wins award for Best Male R&B Artist and takes the stage.]

AMB: Is that a Jheri Curl mohawk?

AOB: Is that what's hot on the streets right now?

[8:20pm - Young Jeezy comes out to perform his latest Trap Anthem, "I Put On For My City".]

AOB: This dude has to be about 35 by now.

AS: He looks like a turtle in leather.

[The audience pans to show Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs surrounded by 15 of his kids.]

AB: It must be his weekend.

AOB: Yep.

AS: Hey, why did that one kid look just like Al B Sure?

[Kanye West comes out to lend his cameo to Jeezy's performance. The visual effect of this suprise entrance somehow falls completely flat because every 3rd word is bleeped. Someone in the audio booth is earning their pay tonight.]

AS: This is flat.

AOB: Is Kanye using a vocoder?

AMB: He just murdered Jeezy on this own song with that voicebox.

AB: That's not too hard to do.

AOB: Kayne sounds just like Lil' Wayne.

AB: Sad.

[Mel B and nondescript comedian Kevin Hart come on to present an award for Best Male Athlete.]

AB: This whole show is flat.

AOB: Mel B isn't.

[Mel B gets a lot of catcalls from the audience.]

AMB: What the heck do male athletes have to do with the BET Awards?

AOB: Kobe Bryant won, but you know he ain't showin' up.

AMB: He's too busy smellin' Shaq's behind.

[Keyshia Cole's Mom and Sister reappear to read a promo.]

AS: Two ex-crackheads butchering a cue card.

[Keyshia's sister is dangerously close to pulling a Janet Jackson.]

AMB: She's about to have a wardrobe malfunction.

AOB: Please God, noooooo!!!!

[BET quickly cuts to commercial before anything FCC-worthy ensues.]

[8:30pm - Keyshia Cole appears to sing her latest ghetto love anthem.]

AMB: She got more tats than Lil' Wayne.

AOB: What's with the prom dress?

AS: That looks awful.

AMB: She looks like a ghetto peacock.

[Some weedcarrier suddenly comes out and rips off Keyshia's dress to reveal a leather shortsuit and some white hooker thigh-high boots.]

AS: She looks much better now.

AOB: She can't still dance a lick.

AS: She makes Brandy look like Debbie Allen.

[Medium Kimberly pops up to give her cameo, dressed in a midriff bearing top.]

AB: She probably keeps her plastic surgeon on retainer.

AOB: We gotta do better.

AS: She doesn't look that bad to me. If you gotta pay for some work, you could do much worse.

[Nia Long, Morris Chesnut, and Cuba Gooding Jr. show up to present some sorta award for Boyz In Da' Hood. Oops, it's for Best Female Rap Artist.]

AS: That movie was 17 years ago. They all aged well.

AOB: Man, we gettin' old.

AMB: Do they even have enough girl rappers to fill out this category?

AB: Will they have enough categories left for the Hip Hop Awards?

AOB: Yeah, really.

8:45 PM

[AB takes a pause for the cause to go change a diaper. I hear the Tivo rewinding downstairs. AS has rewound all the way back to 8pm to watch Usher's performance again. So much for that whole live blogging thing.]

8:50 PM

[AS watched enough of Usher's performance to validate it's wackness. We're finally back in realtime. Ne-Yo is already midway through his performance.]

AS: These are awful outfits. He's a cornball.

AB: Man, all these great Michael Jackson songs wasted on this chump.

AS: Can I fastforward?

AB: No, we're caught up. This is real time.

AS: Arghh.

[After suffering through more of Ne-Yo, Ashanti and LL Cool J take the stage to present a Best New Artist Award.]

AS: LL looks good.

AOB: That HGH went to good use.

AMB: Flo-Rida is a simp.

AOB: I like Chrisette Michelle.

AMB: Aw heck, Soulja Boy! You know they can't deny that sorta coonery. He's gonna win.

[Some dude named The Dream wins the award. He apparently has better things to do (the nerve of that guy), so LL accepts the award on his behalf. I cry a bit inside.]

AB: Snooooooze.

[Alicia Keys comes out to perform one of her sleep-inducing piano ballads. Nobody's even remotely interested except AverageSis.]

AMB: Fix the widescreen.

AS: The screen is fine. She just has hips. Looks fine to me.

AOB: Yep.

[Alicia Keys oddly switches to an SWV song.]

AB: Awww snap! Sistas With Voices? What!?!? Man, it's 92' all over again. This is great!

AOB: Fix the widescreen. They look like three Shamus.

[Alicia Keys starts singing an En Vogue song. En Vogue comes out.]

AOB: Fix the widescreen!

[Except for Dawn, all members of En Vogue look distorted.]

AB: Ok, I'll fix it at the next break.

[Alicia Keys introduces TLC.]

AS: This is sorta sad. They really miss Left Eye.

AB: Who's next? Klymaxx? Jade? Brownstone?

AOB: If Brownstone comes out, I'm goin' home.

AB: Give her credit, Alicia Keys gets props for respecting the architects.

AS: True. Remember the time she bought out all the reggae folks?

AOB: Chili looks regular sized.

AB: I told you the widescreen won't broke.

[Sitcom sista Niecey Nash comes out and delivers some ignant drivel about Madonna and Angelina Jolie adopting black kids as accessories. Then she brings out a bunch of white kids she adopted with ghetto names to prove her point.]

AB: That was a huge setup for such a lame joke.

[The nominees for Best Male Hip Hop Artist are announced. Cue the Lil' Wayne victory reel. You know it's coming.]

AOB: Kayne got this.

AMB: Kayne.

AS: Lil' Wayne.

AB: Weezy all the way.

[Kayne wins. The first minor suprise of the night.]

AS: Lil' Wayne got robbed.

[Kayne brings Lil' Wayne, who looks like he's coming off a major bender, onstage out of sympathy.]

AMB: This show is weak. CoCo and SWV was the high point so far.

AB: We got another hour of this to go!?!? It's gonna be a looong night.

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