Friday, November 16, 2007

You Are NOT The Baby's Father... Now Read That Cue Card.

First Santa Claus. Then the Tooth Fairy. Then pro wrestling. Then I Love New York. Now this bombshell.

Is there anything left for an impressionable 30-something to believe in? has learned that The Maury Povich Show is caught in its very own paternity scandal. According to tabloid reports, guests on his popular Paternity Test episodes are frequently acting.

Last year, a guest named Lashana appeared on Mary's show looking to find the father of her son Jeremiah. But Lashana is now claiming her appearance was a complete fraud. According to Lashana, she contacted Maury's producers and asked to give three men paternity tests, but they all declined. The show's producers then reportedly convinced Lashana to find any other man she knew and bring him on the show.

When Lashana found a man Anthony, she told producers that he wasn't the father of her son. But the producers didn't seem to mind. They just drafted up a script for Lashana and Anthony to recite on stage.

According to Lashana's mother, the entire appearance was scripted. She was quoted as saying, "Everything was scripted. Anthony had to call Lashana a whore and swear he wasn't the father. Lashana had to cry and I had to be mad at Anthony ... and when Maury opened the DNA envelope and reveal that Anthony wasn't the father, he had to jump around and do cartwheels."
Well piss on my cornflakes, why don't you?

Damn. Shirley Povich's (who is crying inside) boy Grand Hu$tled us all. Not that I didn't already have some inkling that these shows weren't scripted to some degree, but watching the smoke and mirrors exposed on yet another of my favorite guilty pleasures [||] makes me wonder just what reason there is remaining to watch TV besides sports.

Common sense dictates that no woman could logically be so irresponsible that she'd need to test 12 guys to determine the identity of her child's father. Then again, there are women like Karrine Steffans, so maybe I'm just being naive as usual.

I only get to catch this show when I'm running late for work or home sick, since we all know shows like Maury, Jerry Springer, and that gaggle of "judge shows" ain't nothin' but soap operas for unemployed men. Still, this one hurts. What on earth will AB do for entertainment on those inevitable weekdays off? If you've got some recommendations, please drop a comment, because I'm severely bummed out right about now.

R.I.P. Maury. Sorry, but my conscience just can't let me ride with you anymore now that I know better. Here's some of Maury's Greatest Hits for the unfamiliar. I'm going to cry in my pillow now.*


*Sarcasm, my friends. It's called sarcasm.

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