Tuesday, October 23, 2007

8 Babies, 7 Mamas: Jason Caffey Should Be Spayed and Neutered

I was watching Maury this morning before I went to work. As usual, it was one of those "Who's Yo' Baby's Daddy?" shows. This one cat who was up there had like, honest to God, 25 kids. Of course, he was on the show to take a paternity test on the potential #26, because that's the way playaz play. Naturally, I had to watch the end of this trainwreck and I nearly ended up arriving late to meet my client. Clearly, I have my priorities in order.

If you've seen this sorta show before, you already know what happens next. Maury opens the envelope, and either:

1) Maury says "You ARE NOT the baby's daddy!" and the dude jumps out of his seat, does some crip-walk type jig, and then clowns the woman for being a slut. Of course the scorned woman runs offstage bawlin' because who wants to get turned down by a sorry assed dude with 25 kids on nationwide TV?


2) Maury says "You ARE the baby's daddy!", and the woman jumps up and down yellin' "you better take care of your kids" while the dude suddenly looks completely repentant, never mind the fact that he was just calling her every kind of hooker/whore/slut in the book just moments earlier. As they go to commerical break, the camera cuts backstage where generic smooth jazz plays as the newly outed/busted/bout' to pay child support out the yin-ying blessed Dad cradles the smiling infant as if doing so after the fact is something noble.

That doesn't really have much to do with this particular story, but hey, what can I say, that Maury Povich Show is some entertainin' idd'ish. For real.

It's well known that NBA and NFL players have outrageous libidos and extreme allergic reactions to latex [||]. So, while this story isn't really all that surprising, I guess the most notable thing is the fact that this dude played on an NBA championship team with Michael Jordan, probably made about $40M during his playing career, and just a few years after retiring, is broke as hell.

The culprit? Those damn illegit kids, of course. Damn those kids, crampin' a baller's lifestyle. I don't usually like quoting stories this heavily, but hell, there's too much god stuff here to just cut anything out.

Jason Caffey has joined the ranks of former pro athletes who were flying high in April and shot down in May.

April in this case means the $35 million contract he signed with the Golden State Warriors during his career in the National Basketball Association, and May would be now, when the 34-year-old former forward has filed for bankruptcy seeking protection from his creditors.

According to the Mobile (Ala.) Press-Register, the former Milwaukee Bucks forward filed for bankruptcy in U.S. Court in Mobile claiming $1.9 million in debts and about $1.15 million in assets.

"The only reason I filed bankruptcy was to get these arrest warrants off me," Caffey told the Press-Register.

Caffey was jailed this year in Tuscaloosa, Ala., and is facing an arrest warrant in Georgia, both stemming from back child-support issues.

He has fathered eight children with seven women.

More than half of Caffey's reported monthly income of $7,000 goes to alimony and child support, according to the story.

"Who wouldn't have trouble with that after retiring five years ago?" Caffey said.

Caffey signed a $35 million contract with the Warriors after the 1997-'98 season, which he spent with the Chicago Bulls.

But Caffey said his career ended with three years left on the deal, worth $12 million, and that after taxes the deal was really worth $17 million. He said his former wife, who divorced him in 2006, got half his money.

A lawyer who is defending Caffey in a Georgia child-support case, Jim Altman, said Caffey's obligation of $4,250 a month was not in line with what he is making now.

"As an NBA basketball star, he was making millions of dollars," Altman told the Press-Register. "It kind of goes to show how the system fails people like Jason."
No, the system didn't fail Jason. Jason failed Jason. Yes, I know most dudes get a raw deal when it comes to divorce and paternity suits, but still, blaming "the system" when you screwed up not one, not two, but eight times is just blasphemous. Yeah, I know the attorney is being paid a lot to say that and probably doesn't even believe it himself, but if you want Exhibit A on why some folks hate lawyers so much, there you go. I know he didn't say that with a straight face. He should wear a ski-mask when he goes to cash that surely massive retainer check.

Still, I can't help but wonder just how much the women who lay down and let guys like this go at it raw dog are to blame. I mean, really, any woman with a web browser and Google could probably figure out with how many illegit kids this dude had before the got with him. They know he will make kids and not support them emotionally. They know that with 7-8 other mouths to feed and no income coming in, the NBA gravy train will eventually dry up. And yes, I know, filing bankruptcy doesn't mean you're broke, but how damn sorry do you have to be if you can't come up with just $3,500 a month to pay for all 8 of your kids? You could bang that out by pushing carts at Target every weekend. Do better, Jason. Please.

On the other hand, I don't really blame Caffey too much, just like I don't blame Travis Henry (9 kids, 9 moms, one recent season ending knee surgery), Evander Holyfield (at least 11 kids), Derrick Thomas, (7 kids), Shawn Kemp (at least 7 kids), or former Laker Sedale Threatt (at least 14 kids!!!) for all the human carnage and busted condoms they've left behind. Reality is, these dudes are sick and lack the judgement of even a middle schooler. If they can't be trusted to box out after a damn free throw, then why on Earth would you expect them to be responsible enough to provide for the complex needs of a kid? Seriously. Do these women even consider this sorta stuff before they lay down with these dudes or are they just thinking about a paternity check?

The only victims here are the kids of course, because they're being born to a set of degenerate parents who don't know better. And to think, you have to get a license to drive a Tercel, but any pair of morons can lay down for 5 minutes and ruin a kid's life from the jump. It's just sad.

Before I start going off on some Cosby-esque tangent about pound cake, I'll just leave any possible venture capitalists reading this blog with an amazing bid'ness opportunity. If these dudes could somehow be convinced that it's alot cheaper (albeit not really much safer) to just get yourself fixed from the jump, maybe they'd proactively shell out a few thousand to handle that. It sure as hell beats being flat assed broke just 3 years after you retire and ending up on Maury.

The AverageBro Family Planning Clinic for Rappers and Ballers would be guaranteed money in the bank. Holla at me if you know how to make this happen.

Bonus: Some Vintage Maury for those who don't have a clue what I'm talking about.

Past lifestyle haunts Caffey [Journal-Sentinel]

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