Monday, August 13, 2007

How NOT To Rob A Baller.

There are dumb assed criminals, and then there are really dumb assed criminals. The recent suspects nabbed in the Chicago area home invasions of two NBA players, Miami Heat forward Antoine Walker and New York Knicks center Eddy Curry, are probably already familiar with the short bus. They however, don't seem familiar with the inner workings of a fine automobile.

Four reputed gang members hit a payday of more than $200,000 when they robbed the River North home of NBA star Antoine Walker last month, authorities say. Walker was ordered out of the SUV. As he opened the door, $3,000, apparently sitting on his lap, fell out and was grabbed by Larkins, authorities said. Then, Walker and his assistant were duct taped together and shoved into a closet. They were told to count to 100 before making a move. Allison came back to the bedroom, ordering the men to count to 100 again.

He returned a second time to get the keys to Walker's Mercedes and a third time to ask how to operate it.
Robbery Rule of Thumb #1: Don't steal anything you can't physically get away with. A car would fit this criteria.

Who knows? There's a good chance the car had some sort of shift lock, or advanced security system, but it just underscores how dumb these guys were. While they were busy going back and forth in and out of the house, of course the across the street neighbors were watching the whole thing and busy jotting down notes to hand to police (this was an upper class neighborhood, and thus there were no Stop Snitching type concerns).

Just when you think the story couldn't get any worse for the suspects though, they blown you away with a whole notha' level of stupidity.

Allison allegedly stole the Mercedes, took the $8,000 rims off the car and put them on his girlfriend's 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, authorities said. Later, Allison sold the rims, officials said.
Robbery Rule of Thumb #2: Don't put $8,000 rims on you baby mom's 22 year old hooptie and not expect somebody to rat you out. Are these the dumbest Negroes evar of what? Not noted in this article is that the suspects were also seen in the streets wearing Walker's jewelry, including a platinum chain with large diamond encrusted #8. I can't make this sorta stuff up, folks.
After he was arrested, Allison allegedly implicated himself and the three other men in the Walker burglary. Attorneys for the men denied their clients' involvement or said they were innocent of the charges. Two of the four men, Hill and Larkins, have been charged in the July 28 burglary of the Burr Ridge home of NBA star Eddy Curry, authorities have said.
Walker and Curry are hardly the most beloved of athletes, so it's easy to understand why neither is getting much sympathy in the wake of these invasions. Walker is a notorious showboat, a selfish gunner who probably should have known better than riding around with $3,000 in cash sitting in his lap. Curry, for all his talent is always poorly conditioned and has a glass allergy. But neither man (nor Curry's wife) deserved such an intrusion, and I hope the four suspects get the book thrown at them.

Robber asked Walker how to work his car: prosecutors [Chicago Sun-Times]

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